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User is offline Dec 18 2014 03:44 PM
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Both
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Any song with good melody and lyrics is going to catch my ear

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Icon   AndyLeF To a poet a thousand years past...

Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: Hard-Hearted Man

    Posted 5 Dec 2014

    Hi Larry,

    Welcome to the muse and thanks for your constructive comments on 'Annie'!

    Seven lines is fun to work with in a lyric some times as it makes the bar count unusual (2chords per line => 14 instead of the 'normal' multiple of 8) and it sets up tension somewhere as one of the lines is hanging un-answered.

    Comments below in blue - enjoyed the read; a great start that just needs a little more work imho.

    Andy


    View Postlarrymagee, on 04 December 2014 - 04:12 AM, said:

    this is brand new @2014. The verses are 7 lines long but they work with the melody. I'm thinking that the song may need to express the sentiment "tell me the pain you feel / I'll listen and help you heal" either in lines 4-5 of the chorus or perhaps in the bridge to show my understanding of the girl's pain. ?? Any comments about the rest of the song are welcomed. I really want the scenario to be crystal clear - that I love her, I understand what she's going through, and I'll be there to help her through it. Thanks.

    HARD-HEARTED MAN

    He was a cowgirlís dream
    You loved him heart and soul "you"=>"she"?

    The 'you' here looses impact (clarity) from the more personal "she". The thing about "you" is it keeps it nice and general who is being spoken of; the listener male or female can visualise the opposite sex as the "you" however here, it is definitely a "she" so why not use it and keep the image clear in the reader's mind?

    But when things got rocky
    He started throwing stones... Good line! - we know they are not real stones which is neat
    When his kisses turned to curses
    and tenderness was gone Maybe "and his..." here to keep it really personal.
    You knew youíd be better off alone. "you"=> "she"

    Good lines throughout the verse! - I can visualise this very well

    Pre-Chorus
    but, darling, that was many moons ago "many moons" - not sure - sometimes simplicity is better - "long"
    and, girl, your with me now
    But he still haunts your mind somehow "your" is ok here as the previous line make things clear.
    and that we canít allow. Think the man has to be in control her so "we"=>"I".

    Chorus
    He was a hard-hearted man
    He loved with an iron hand Here maybe "He loved you with an iron hand" to keep it real personal.
    He left you with nothing but sorrow Not overly keen on starting three consecutive lines with "He" Think this problem would be solved if the second line was "and loved you with an iron hand"
    Iíll never be like him
    Never do the things he did
    Cause I know a hard-hearted man is a hard act to follow.

    Wow! - 'brakes' full on with this last line as it is completely the reverse of what I was expecting!
    If this guy was such a ba***rd on the 'loving' front, surely he would be an easy act to follow? I understand where your coming from as this guy had a lot of charisma as a cowboy which would be a hard act to follow - however, I read the line as being all the bad things he was doing as being the hard thing to follow (you'd have to do worse things!)...
    Think the last three lines need clarification here - maybe something like:
    "I'll never dazzle the onlookers
    Like he did to please the crowd
    That heard-hearted man's heart I'll replace without shouting it out loud"
    This is a bit clunky but maybe will give you ideas for clarity in your mind...



    Donít let those memories of him
    Consume our light of love "light of love" here is a bit 'iffy' to my mind - maybe "kind of love"? - has a nice double meaning...
    Let me be your bed of roses Imho, the line definitely need a fresh image here rather than the worn out cliche'
    Let me be the one you trust... A little lightweight - maybe bring some more cowboy images in here "Let me be the one you can bank on" or something...
    I will always be your lover
    Through good times and bad
    You know Iím your forever man O.k line here but for me the previous lines in this verse need a little more originality.

    Take all the worries that he gave to you
    And burn them in a fire Great! Now we are talking - fresh original lines - love it! :)
    And watch the flame of our desire
    Lift our love ever higher

    Really good pre-chorus here :) - just do the same to the previous verse! It's 'just' a bit of fiddling around with lines ideas until something fresh comes out.

    CHORUS

    He told you lies. He broke Cupidís arrow. Not fond of bringing "Cupid" into things ("Cupid" and "cowgirls"??!) - maybe something like: "He sold you lies, beneath his disguise"
    But, darling, I will love you forever and ever. "But darling I'll be the reflection in your eyes, for ever and ever"

    CHORUS
    Yes, I know a hard-hearted man is a hard act to follow.
  2. In Topic: Darkness Floods My Valley

    Posted 4 Dec 2014

    Hi Bob,

    Imho this was THE stand out lyric in the Nov. lyric competition.
    It's 'problem' is that it's rather too 'dark' and doesn't fit the 'folksy', 'nice story', 'grandma said' type of (country?) lyric that many folk on the forum seem to go for. If you were to change it to suit the average likes on the board then you'd run the risk of ruining it.

    The raw desolation and desperation you convey in this lyric is very powerful and moving. Perhaps you could find a genre specific lyric contest somewhere to enter it in?

    I think the lyric fits well the genre Muse (the group) operate in - they might be proud of a lyric like this and would have the whole stadium singing along to the words.

    I'll add very few comments - what you have here deserves a really good musical treatment (Muse like!) and I'd be careful of too many changes before you see how it starts to sound in a song.

    Brilliant write man - kudos!

    Andy

    BTW - do you have a link to your music/songs?



    View Post=Bob=, on 04 December 2014 - 05:32 PM, said:

    This didn't fare very well in the lyric contest, so I'm hoping I can get some feedback that will help me improve this.

    Darkness Floods My Valley
    © R. Dobbins

    Verse 1:
    Crushed beneath my sorrow
    Spirit shattered deep
    Pressure holds the future
    Silence dares I sleep
    Darkness floods my valley
    Morning is broken
    I'm staring into emptiness
    Breathless
    Frozen

    Pretty dark, brooding, moody stuff here - love it!

    Verse 2:
    Thrust into love's absence Good!
    Hunger dies inside
    Hatred fills the vacuum
    Memories bleed with pride
    Darkness floods my valley
    Twilight is severed
    I'm slipping into heaviness
    Hopeless
    Withered

    Bridge:
    You suffocate me
    Eliminate me
    I'll find peace
    In the blackness Delete "the"?
    Once released
    From this madness

    Refrain:
    Darkness floods my valley
    Passion has no reason
    I'm falling into endlessness "endlessness" doesn't quite work here imo. Maybe "emptiness"?
    Helpless
    Beaten

    Verse 3:
    Pushed beyond illusion
    Fighting reckless whim
    Begging for the ending
    Ready to give in
    Darkness floods my valley
    My spirit is grieving
    I'm fading into nothingness
    Lifeless
    Kneeling "Reeling" would be an alternative here. "Kneeling" doesn't sound quite right

    Your comments and suggestions are always greatly appreciated!
    ~Bob
  3. In Topic: Empty Pages rewrite 11-24-14

    Posted 4 Dec 2014

    Hi Mike,

    I didn't see your original post or the comments so I come 'fresh' to your revised lyric - in case it's of any help.

    Comments in blue - enjoyed the read!

    Andy


    View PostMike B, on 04 November 2014 - 04:22 PM, said:

    Sat down at the piano for inspiration and did a rewrite. The music (some melody) is well fleshed out now, and its changed from a rock style song to a piano ballad. :wacko:

    Verse 1
    Nothing seems to happen
    Everything’s bleak and bare
    Thoughts and words forsaken
    No one seems to care

    All past times are gone
    Written into history
    So much going on now
    But we're blinded by what we can't see
    The last line doesn't work for me - "blinded by what we can't see"?
    How about:
    "But we're blinded by so much to see"?


    Chorus
    It can seem like life is just a stack of empty pages "life is"=>"life's"?
    Stuck between a few memorable times
    We're always trying to fill up the space that’s gone on for ages
    As if emptiness was some kind of crime

    I kinda of get the sentiment in the chorus but maybe could do with some tightening up?
    Maybe something along the lines of:
    "We're always trying to fill silences in conversations
    But the silence is were we really live you'll find"



    Verse 2
    The last chapter ended yesterday
    Happiness, sadness, pain
    Every past event has its own chapter The repeat of "chapter" is kind of jarring. Maybe "refrain"?
    Work, play, sunshine, rain

    Yesterday's chapter is over
    Tomorrow's chapter awaits Too many "chapters"! maybe replace "chapter awaits" with "time still awaits"?
    Today' we're going nowhere
    All we do is hesitate

    Chorus
    It can seem like life is just a stack of empty pages
    Stuck between a few memorable times
    We're always trying to fill up the space that’s gone on for ages
    As if emptiness was some kind of crime

    Bridge
    Tonight let's do something differnt
    Write our names in the sky
    Fill up all the empty pages
    What it is to be alive "Make it great to be alive"?

    Chorus
    It can seem like life is just a stack of empty pages
    Stuck between a few memorable times
    We're always trying to fill up the space that’s gone on for ages
    As if emptiness was some kind of crime
  4. In Topic: It Don't Cost Nothin' to Say Hello

    Posted 4 Dec 2014

    Hi Paul,

    This is a quality lyric and reads well :)

    Not much to hit on really - a few minor comments and suggestions below.

    Andy


    View PostPaulCanuck, on 19 November 2014 - 03:00 PM, said:

    Hi there - think "Old Man Tucker" meets Paul Canuck ;D ;D
    Comments R welcomed!

    It Don't Cost Nothin' to Say Hello
    Copyright 2014 Tennyson Road Music

    Momma taught us all the rules when we were kids
    Like "turn the other cheek" and "never burn a bridge"
    And "If you see a friend headin' yer way"
    She said "You ought to say hello" and "don't you look away"

    Some great images and wisdom's in verse 1 - grabs attention as to where it might be leading.

    {ch}
    Cause it don't cost nothin to say hello
    Say hello to someone ya know
    You can stay a friend 'n' you can save yer dough
    Cause it don't cost nothin' to say hello
    Good chorus.
    Don't think the second "Cause" works that well in the last line as it's not an important word to justify a repeat. Maybe change it to "Yeah" or something for variation.



    Time ticked along, I set out in the world "along"=>"away"? "along" is sort of 'samey' with "too long" in the next line
    And before too long I met up with this girl
    She wrecked my heart and left it on the street Good line!
    Now she pretends I don't exist, every time we meet
    The last line seems awkward to me on the syllable stresses before the comma. Maybe turn it around?: "I don't exist she pretends, every time we meet"

    But it don't cost nothin to say hello
    Say hello to someone ya know
    She can make a fuss, pull up stakes and go
    But it don't cost nothin' to say hello Same comment as 1st chorus - the second "But" could be varied to good effect

    {solo to verse}

    You can buy your love a gift to win her heart
    But the money in your clip might come up short "clip"=>"wad"? I haven't heard of a 'clip' of money - maybe an American expression? "Clips" are more associated with "bullets" in my mind!
    I hear Momma's voice in every bird that sings This line doesn't work for me - "bird that sings" has more of a "jailbird/informant" connection in my mind!
    Maybe something like: "I hear Momma's nagging voice, bending my ear"

    There's an easy way to give - and it don't cost anything!

    It don't cost nothin to say hello
    Say hello to someone ya know Even more impact if: "Say hello to someone ya don't know"
    Don't need to fuss! Don't need no dough!
    Cause it don't cost nothin' to say hello

    Think you could expand the 'meat' in your chorus a bit:
    It don't cost nothin to say hello
    Might even make new friends, don't ya know
    Don't need to fuss! Don't need no dough!
    Cause it don't cost nothin' to say hello




    {br}
    You might find yourself a love "a"=>"in"?
    And it might not work out "And"=>"though"?
    But I hope that in the end
    You can still be friends

    Is this your mamma talking here? Slightly confusing to me. If not, maybe more effective to make it personal:
    Now I might find your love
    Though it might not work out
    But I hope that in the end
    We can still be friends



    Cause it don't cost nothin to say hello
    Say hello to someone ya know
    So take your shot - maybe love will grow
    Cause it don't cost nothin' to say hello

    No, it don't cost nothin' to say hello!
  5. In Topic: Wont You Dance?

    Posted 4 Dec 2014

    Thanks guys :)

    Paul:
    Agreed those lines are well used and cause me some concern as well - however, for this song, with upbeat music I'm after very simple lyrics (with some 'meat'!) to go with a host of darker/meatier album tracks so I'm balancing the pros and cons.
    BTW, I checked out your soundcloud site (after battling with your URL which has an extra unwnated "http://" preventing the page from opening) and really liked your music! You should have entered "Tailgatin' Loser" in the Nov 1+1 contest - it would have stood a really good chance of winning!

    MikeB:
    Really like your first break couplet which I've altered slightly ("will" rears it's head again!!) and combined with mine.

    Here's the 'final' lyric:

    Will You Dance With Me?


    Verse 1
    Will you dance with me
    Be my girl?
    Take a chance and
    Step into my world

    Chorus 1
    Round and round we go
    Dizzy in this tango
    Please please let it show
    You like your hold on me

    Verse 2
    I’ll take the lead
    If you come willingly
    One two three steps
    But don’t let go of me

    Chorus 2
    Round and round we go
    Dizzy in this tango
    Please please let it show
    You like your hold on me

    Break
    These are crazy times
    But things will turn out fine - if we can dance
    Can we be more than friends
    When the music ends - please stay with me

    Chorus 3
    Round and round we go
    Dizzy in this tango
    Please please let it show
    You like your hold on me

My Information

Member Title:
Inspirational Muse
Age:
Age Unknown
Birthday:
Birthday Unknown
Gender:
Location:
Essex, England
Interests:
Life, the Universe and everything...

Contact Information

E-mail:
Click here to e-mail me
Website URL:
Website URL  http://soundclick.com/andylefevre

Comments

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  1. Photo

    AndyLeF Icon

    29 Nov 2014 - 12:21
    Hi Bernie - think you are better off in Calif. - just wet and wet and wet over here! Good to meet you on the muse!
  2. Photo

    ironynotlost Icon

    29 Nov 2014 - 11:55
    Hello Andy, I'm stuck in Calif. US, but hail from Merry Old, way way back when I was 3 yrs. Bernie
  3. Photo

    AndyLeF Icon

    13 Mar 2014 - 06:35
    Hi Gwyneth - at long last, my comments is up and running - many thanks!
    Do be careful and choose a UK location above any local floodplain - we have had one heck of a lot a rain recently! Cheers
    Andy
  4. Photo

    Gwyneth Rose Icon

    13 Mar 2014 - 05:27
    HI Andy,
    How do you do? LOL
    I see you reside in Essex. I'm coming back to the UK within the next 3 months. Going to live is Oxted, Surrey.
    Cheers
    G
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