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Lyric Contests (34 posts)
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Lyricist, Composer or Both?:
Both
Musical Influences?:
Any song with good melody and lyrics is going to catch my ear

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Icon   AndyLeF To a poet a thousand years past...

Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: Searching

    Posted 30 Jan 2015

    View PostMike B, on 30 January 2015 - 04:31 PM, said:

    I disagree with your description - there's no 'story' to this lyric - it's a lyric with a message - you are addressing your God/higher power. As a confirmed agnostic, it's not to me to question or agree with your beliefs, but it seems strong in its current form.
    The only line that I think needs work is line 3 in the bridge: Like a Hydra it keeps growing - I guess you're thinking of the 'Cut off one head, Two more shall take its place' thing, but 'growing' doesn't really express that aspect to me.


    Hi Mike,

    Thought I said that - it has no story...

    Also, I'm the same as you agnostic wise - thought that was a nice twist in the lyric (the end line in the verses) but maybe it was too subtle for folk to get.

    Andy
  2. In Topic: I Shot My Radio, version 2.0

    Posted 30 Jan 2015

    Hi LyriCAL

    The title is a real attention grabber - good one! :)

    A few comments below,

    Cheers,

    Andy


    View PostlyriCAL, on 28 January 2015 - 05:23 PM, said:

    So, let me start off by saying this lyric doesn't necessarily represent my actual feelings. It's just an idea I had for a song. But I think it could be a really fun song set to the right, upbeat music with all the horns of a ska band, like the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, chiming in. I think the bridge could be sung OR rapped but you tell me. Thanks for your critiques and comments.


    I Shot My Radio - brilliant title!

    Verse 1
    I had to change directions ’cause the soundtrack wasn’t swift
    The tunes on my car stereo did not give me a lift

    The "on" and "did not" are slightly awkward to my ear, maybe something like:
    "The tunes my car stereo played really gave me no lift"


    I fell into a stupor, my mind was frozen stiff
    I couldn’t keep control, the car began to drift
    On every single station, the music was so plastic
    I knew I had to act and it called for something drastic

    Excellent flow and build here - well done!

    (Chorus)
    So I pulled out my .22 and I put a bullet through
    My radio
    My radio
    I shot my freakin’ radio
    My radio
    My radio
    I shot my freakin’ radio
    My radio
    My radio
    I shot my freakin’ radio
    I shot my freakin’ radio
    And saved my mind

    This chorus has a lot of potential!
    Think you could easily get away with out the 'f' word here as your hook, "I shot my radio", is so effective on it's own.
    Maybe your chours could be developed a little with some ideas of putting the radio out of 'it's misery'? - some ideas:
    "I shot my radio, it was squealing like a pig"
    "I shot my radio, it was in pain and needed putting down"
    "I shot my radio, it was the kindest thing to do"...
    Must be loads more ideas here...


    Verse 2
    I did it just in time, couldn’t take another sec
    If I heard them one more time I’d be a berserk wreck

    Not sure that "berserk" will sing well, maybe "nervous"?

    A little piece of lead was really all it took
    No more cliché verses, no more hackneyed hooks

    Cool!

    (Chorus)
    I pulled out my .22 and I put a bullet through
    My radio
    My radio
    I shot my freakin’ radio
    My radio
    My radio
    I shot my freakin’ radio
    My radio
    My radio
    I shot my freakin’ radio
    I shot my freakin’ radio
    And saved my mind

    (Bridge)
    They’re so sterile and puerile and formulaic
    With lyrics that don’t rise above the prosaic
    Because when they hit us they’re painless
    Together they’re all the more dangerous
    We’re all gonna end up brainless from this junk

    Maybe "brainless" => "brainwashed"?

    Verse 3
    One day I wrote a song and made it controversial
    They put it on the air, seems it was commercial
    I heard it in my limo about a thousand times
    Till I nearly gagged, I was so sick of those rhymes

    (Chorus)
    So I pulled out my .22 and I put a bullet through
    My radio
    My radio
    I shot my freakin’ radio
    My radio
    My radio
    I shot my freakin’ radio
    My radio
    My radio
    I shot my freakin’ radio
    I shot my freakin’ radio
    And saved my mind
  3. In Topic: People, Like That

    Posted 30 Jan 2015

    Hey Tom,

    Really liked this in the contest for it's quirky look at life and implied wisdom - not much to hit on, only a few comments to offer.

    Looking forward to hearing it!

    Andy


    View PostIronknee, on 30 January 2015 - 05:54 AM, said:

    Hi all......I've started working this on my guitar, but am still interested in strengthening the lyric. Any ideas?
    I have a new idea in the last verse, and was wondering what you think before I finish it and record.
    Thanks!
    -T

    “People, Like That”
    Words by Tom Tognaci


    Some people walk around, stomping in their boots
    Stepping on their neighbors toes, like bully bulls and brutes

    Think "bully boys" is the natural image here but I know where you are coming from; they are really 'bulls' ;)

    But, funny how, when the tables turn, you’ll hear them cry the blues
    When they’re asked to walk a mile in that neighbors shoes

    Surely it's "Their neighbors shoes"?

    Awe but, people, like that, never get it
    No empathy for their fellow men
    No, people, like that, will never get it
    Until, it happens to them
    But, only then

    "No empathy" may loose half your (drunken!) audience here - the sober might choose the slightly less intellectual:
    "No understanding of their fellow men"


    Chorus flows real well and has a good twist - kudos!


    Some people turn their backs on a brother’s hour of need
    They won’t stand up for what is right, despite their brother’s plead

    But, funny how, when the tables turn, and trouble befalls them
    They’ll expect a helping hand from the good will of all men

    Maybe "all" => "other" here as it emphasizes the difference in some men - but no biggie.

    Awe but, people, like that, never get it
    No empathy for their fellow men
    No, people, like that, will never get it
    Until, it happens to them
    But, only then
  4. In Topic: January Lyric Contest

    Posted 30 Jan 2015

    Congratulations LyriCal - great twist/idea! :)

    I had a three way tie for my top scores:
    "Top Ten Country Hit" - could be a hit for Iggy on the country scene; but can he handle the fame and autograph requests?!

    "Never Say Goodbye" - intense and loved it! So, simple but difficult to do and I could hear it complete as song in my mind as I read it - kudos Greybeard!

    "People, Like That" - a quirky fun lyric this! I'd have never have guessed it was Tom whose 'style' I though I had 'ring-fenced' as intense emotion driven journeys. Good one and look forward to listening to it!

    I hesitated about entering my stream of consciousness riff driven "Searching", as it has none of the usual characteristics of lyrics that do well in this contest and was well out of my comfort zone as a subject. I'm actually a bit surprised it didn't finish bottom! :wacko:

    Thanks to Kim and Neal :)

    Andy
  5. In Topic: Doggerland REVISED CHORUS

    Posted 19 Jan 2015

    View PostDonnaMarilyn, on 17 January 2015 - 10:13 PM, said:

    <snip>
    I won't be changing the verses or the bridge, but I wonder whether the chorus is strong enough. I've just tweaked it further to make it a revolving chorus, changing only lines 3 & 4 in the 2nd and 3rd chorus.

    <snip>

    I welcome your comments on the chorus.

    Thank you. :)

    <snip>


    Hi Donna,

    An interesting lyric!

    Difficult to pull off without it sounding a bit like a history lesson, but there are plenty of personal touches you could bring to this that should resonate with everyone.

    I think you are right about the chorus...

    Could it do with being more - 'grandiose'...?
    Here's some lines that might give you some further ideas:

    I feel the weight of ages
    As I stand upon these shores
    The North sea tidal rhyme
    Ploughs the lands my ancestors cared for
    Flint knifes and sea shell necklaces
    Are all they have left behind
    ‘cept a string of DNA that links
    our bodies across ancient times


    Good luck with it!,

    Andy

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Inspirational Muse
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Comments

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  1. Photo

    AndyLeF Icon

    29 Nov 2014 - 12:21
    Hi Bernie - think you are better off in Calif. - just wet and wet and wet over here! Good to meet you on the muse!
  2. Photo

    ironynotlost Icon

    29 Nov 2014 - 11:55
    Hello Andy, I'm stuck in Calif. US, but hail from Merry Old, way way back when I was 3 yrs. Bernie
  3. Photo

    AndyLeF Icon

    13 Mar 2014 - 06:35
    Hi Gwyneth - at long last, my comments is up and running - many thanks!
    Do be careful and choose a UK location above any local floodplain - we have had one heck of a lot a rain recently! Cheers
    Andy
  4. Photo

    Gwyneth Rose Icon

    13 Mar 2014 - 05:27
    HI Andy,
    How do you do? LOL
    I see you reside in Essex. I'm coming back to the UK within the next 3 months. Going to live is Oxted, Surrey.
    Cheers
    G
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