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- Lyrics Feedback (44 posts)
- 30-March 08
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- Apr 14 2015 02:12 AM
- Lyricist, Composer or Both?:
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- Any song with good melody and lyrics is going to catch my ear
Posts I've Made
Posted 8 Apr 2015HI Donna,
Think this is the first the first time I've heard you sing - you sound mellow and have some lovely natural vibrato!
I know you said don't take the music into consideration but a couple of very simple things would improve this little demo tremendously - the backing music was far too low in the mix; that could come up quite a bit and if you also adding a touch of reverb to your vocals that would allow them to blend into the backing more naturally - at the moment they are very up-front in the listeners ear and rather disconnected with the backing.
Lyrics are really good as usual but please, please (bended knees here Donna!) no "say/way" rhyme at the end of the pre-chorus - how about something like:
"You simply lost your way
every time you played"
Loved the "immune/cocoon" rhyme!
Melody does need developing imho - really liked what you did on "fathom" - more of that please!
Good luck with it Donna,
Posted 8 Apr 2015Hi Jason,
Great to hear you again and a cracking song mix and vibe you have going on here.
Pretty much all positive in my ears - but I do have a few observations...
Shame the drum pattern got set the same in the verse and chorus – if you could develop it into the chorus then this would heighten the sense of 'movement' going into and out of your great chorus.
There are some really good lines in the lyrics – love the “twice/life” lines.
You used the phrase “I’m amazed by you” – almost like it’s the main hook and actually repeat it twice in each verse. Not sure how effective that is - I’m longing for the second “I’m amazed” to be different – “imprisoned/dazzled/blown-away/drugged/hooked/...” for variation of description.
In the chorus I wanted to add: “You’re not like anyone I know,” to allow the melody to hook with the “For me” in the following line.
In the second half of the chorus the rather blunt/obvious “near/clear” rhymes degrade the lyric quality for me. Did you consider a near rhyme here for these too? – maybe something like:
“It’s very clear, there is no cure” or something - slightly less trite.
Anyway, this was a really enjoyable listen - as always
Posted 6 Apr 2015Great vocals and guitar on this - great job
Re lyrics - I noticed there are a lot of "They"s and 'small' words sprinkled liberally in there - you could consider some shortening which would allow the melody and vocalist to have more of a 'play' singing the lyric lines by adding melisma.
For instance the highlighted words could be eliminated with no lose of meaning:
Then in stormed the Noise Police and they took them down,
They seized all instruments and they blocked the sound,
They arrested the musicians though they begged and cried;
We won't let the music die
Re melody - it's incredibly easy to subconsciously be influenced by music that we all don't even realise we've heard!
I've certainly had to re-start a few candidate melodies on my stuff.
One thing to look out for though is if your melody is a simple rise and fall of note pitch, like I mainly hear here. Though pretty, it's probably been done a zillion times before. Adding melisma, mirroring the melody rise and fall with the meaning of the words and adding an unexpected chord progression should make the melody more your own from the outset and less likely to be too much like anything 'out there'.
Just a few thoughts imho,
Posted 6 Apr 2015Pretty solid lyric now Justin - good luck with it!
Posted 6 Apr 2015Thanks again, Andy. />
As much as I dislike the word 'just' (i.e. I use it as seldom as I can), that uneven metering was really bothering me. />
I've now made line 4 consistent in each verse.
Looks like you're ready for the recording studio with this one now Donna - however, there is just ( one last thing though...
.... you guessed it....
Don't be late!
Good luck with it,
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