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Lyrics Feedback (53 posts)
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User is offline Jul 02 2015 12:49 PM
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Lyricist, Composer or Both?:
Both
Musical Influences?:
Any song with good melody and lyrics is going to catch my ear

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Icon   AndyLeF To a poet a thousand years past...

Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: Smiley Face

    Posted 2 Jul 2015

    View PostPaulCanuck, on 02 July 2015 - 01:15 AM, said:

    Hi Andy

    I actually do mention the creator (Harvey Ball) in the third verse:

    Quote

    Too bad that Mister Ball never got rich at all
    I think they shouldda pinned a medal on him


    He only got paid $45 for the design and never wanted to copyright him.
    Anyways, glad you liked it - I hope the kids do too!
    Paul


    Ahhhhh! - I thought that your "Mister Ball" line referred to our cheerful smiley face again; that explains it.

    Now I can put a name to the :) face!

    Andy
  2. In Topic: Smiley Face

    Posted 1 Jul 2015

    View PostPaulCanuck, on 30 June 2015 - 01:08 PM, said:

    Eric, Paul, Ben

    Thanks guys for the +tive comments.
    Ben - misfiring motor haha - yeah 5/4 is trippy like that :)/>

    cheers all
    Paul



    This is really good Paul - quite charming and cheery and throws all the worries of the world right off the listeners back; kudos for that!!!

    The lyrics where creative and you seemed to have mined all the ideas around our happy fellow's exploits and character. Maybe you could have found a way of mentioning the inventor of the emoticon somewhere was my only thought.

    I really loved the contrasting break - smiley's 'brother' and 'cousin'!

    Nothing to hit on really - your delivery, tone and start and end patter are just right for the song. Maybe there are a couple of places the backing vox lost sync with that main vox but that is being really picky and easy to fix.

    5 stars for this one or, on the smiley scale: :) :) :) :) :)

    Andy

  3. In Topic: Lillie’s Pad (light pop)

    Posted 30 Jun 2015

    Hi Ron,

    This was fun and catchy!

    The story, delivery and music held my attention.

    The images in the last verse didn't work that well for me - almost sounded like she'd moved out rather than just taken up with your pizza rival delivery man. Thought that needed a bit of work lyrically - some further comments below.

    The arrangement and backing instruments (especially the uke!) where really good. Probably the weakest part for me was the bridge melody which didn't seem to me to be up to the same standard as you had set with the verse and chorus.

    Enjoyed the listen,

    Andy



    View Postneuroron, on 28 June 2015 - 02:28 PM, said:

    Just a little light dittie and a WIP any crits and comments would be appreciated.

    Mahalo, Ron.


    Lillie’s Pad

    Words & Music ©2015 by Doc Henley, Gary Kochan & Ron Tintner

    I was out delivering pizza
    On an ordinary Monday night; when I
    Knocked on the bright red door of a girl named
    Lillie on the lower east side
    Out came a teen-age pixie
    (She) looked like a flower child
    (She) asked me in to share a slice
    Smiled me into stayin’ a while

    CHORUS:
    Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba pa ba
    Oh what fun we had
    Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
    Down at Lillie’s pad

    She had a big red couch where we stayed up late
    Watching movies on her old TV
    And a four-poster bed where we played all night
    Under the canopy
    There were knick knacks in every corner
    (And) places she would disappear
    Then she’d pop up out of nowhere wearin’
    Clothes from yesteryear

    CHORUS

    BRIDGE:
    Time passed, things changed
    Hard to explain
    Lillie acted differently
    In lots of little ways

    I stopped by as usual, knocked on her door
    (But) no one came
    I looked in through the window
    Nothing was the same I'm still with the first four lines here
    No big red couch, no four-poster bed
    No girl with a flower’s name
    The only clue was an empty box
    But these three lines confused me - has she moved out?
    From another pizza place Last two lines work well for me

    O.k. - she could have run off with the other Pizza guy and left her pad just leaving behind his box but this seems rather unbelievable. Maybe you could simply have rearranged her couch and bed a bit to emphasis the new pizza man in her life!

    CHORUS

    I remember all the fun we had…
    Down at Lillie’s pad
  4. In Topic: Lighthouse

    Posted 30 Jun 2015

    Hi Ben,

    A promising start.

    An idea or two for you on the chorus below - I'll be interested to see how this turns out in your song!

    Andy


    View PostBen Stoller, on 25 June 2015 - 07:59 PM, said:

    Here are the lyrics to a song I'm working on. The chorus needs some work, but I'm a bit stuck. Maybe someone out there can help.

    The sun sets on the lonely traveler
    who’s been away far too long
    And home has become just a memory
    Like a beacon at night, always in sight
    Let me help you find your way

    Sailing the ship of desolation
    Winds cry over the sea
    And sorrows, like waves, wash over you
    Your storm beaten soul can't take any more
    Keep your rudder steady and sail on.

    Chorus:
    When your seas are rough,
    And the going gets tough,
    Always remember,
    That you have a friend here,
    I’ll be your lighthouse in the storm


    The first two lines have pretty much been said already in the previous verse. Also from an emotional impact point of view the sentiment of them is similar to your verse...

    So, why not turn this upside down and hit the listener with your last line first which is the most emotionally charged line - I can hear this line soaring in my mind's ear! Maybe something along the lines:

    "I’ll be your lighthouse in the storm"
    I'll guide you, keep you safe and warm
    and when life's rocks could tear you apart
    I be your fog horn in the mist - reaching out 'n rescue your heart"

    Just a few ideas to play with!



    Now I may not have all the answers
    But I’ve seen trouble in my day
    And I’ve learned, yes I have learned
    that a good friend in life is your guiding light
    All alone you won't find your way

    Guitar solo over verse chords
    (chorus)

    All that I ask in return
    Is that you be a friend to me
    You can shine, yeah shine your own light
    And help me make it through the night
    Shine on, my friend, shine on.

    (chorus 2x)
  5. In Topic: You're the Reason

    Posted 30 Jun 2015

    Hey Tom,

    This seems like an unusual one for you - you're normally a lot more subtle!

    The BR punch line makes the song idea quite clever. I'm going to be really interested to see how you deliver this and pull this off with your vocal delivery.

    One problem for this song is, of course, it's only applicable one day of the year!! :P

    A few comments below,

    Cheers,

    Andy


    View PostIronknee, on 29 June 2015 - 05:42 AM, said:

    Hi Everyone....Any and all thoughts would be much appreciated. First inpressions welcome. Thank you all very much B)

    "You're The Reason"

    By Tom Tognaci

    CH
    You’re the reason why the kids are ugly
    You’re the reason why they aren’t so bright
    At best, you’d be described as sort of snuggly
    And you don’t know your left hand from your right

    The "ugly" is a pretty brutal here but - maybe you were determined to find a rhyme for "snuggly"? :blink:

    How about some thing a bit more toned down and you'd get the listener on your side rather than making them hostile towards the song from the off:
    "You're the reason our kids are tongue tied" and find a different third line.
    BTWThat 3rd line is going to be a challenge to sing effectively, unless you are rapping this?


    V1
    Now, don’t misunderstand my grieving
    As something meant to injure you
    Miss opportunity just never did much interest me
    Cause, I would never, ever, cheat on you…

    Good verse here - we are now into the character of the protagonists rather than physical attributes which they are stuck with through no fault of their own.

    BR
    Just for the record, dear, I want to make it crystal clear
    While love is blind, it’s all too plain to see
    That,

    Hmmm - this hammers home the "ugly" line even more - relentless!

    This bridge is maybe missing a few "spars"...

    Maybe you could prepare the way for your second BR with something like:

    "I'm not know for being subtle, but on this day I can get away with what I like"
    All's not what it seems, if you hear me singing - honey"


    CH
    You’re the reason why the kids are ugly
    You’re the reason why they aren’t so bright
    At best, you’d be described as sort of snuggly
    And you don’t know your left hand from your right

    V2
    Now, come on babe, there’s no call for leaving
    Leaving would break my heart in two
    And as I look into your eyes, I can’t be sure to laugh or cry
    Cause, I’m holding this one secret from you

    BR
    Just for the record, dear, I want to make it crystal clear
    This April fool’s day song is just for you…

    O.k! - that's quite a neat twist to the lyric - for those who didn't give up after the first line! :ph34r:

    For maximum impact, why not hit the listener with your punch line right away rather than watering it down with that "Just...." line? Maybe something like:
    "April fool honey, April fool
    I really am sold on you"
    ...or something.


    CH
    You’re the reason why the kids are ugly
    You’re the reason why they aren’t so bright
    At best, you’d be described as sort of snuggly
    And you don’t know your left hand from your right

    Maybe now that you've sprung your big surprise in the previous BR you could redeem your self, both with your partner and with the listeners, with a different chorus where you either make fun of your self or bring to the fore your partners good qualities - might rescue the lyric and you with your partner!! :P

My Information

Member Title:
A Muse's Muse
Age:
Age Unknown
Birthday:
Birthday Unknown
Gender:
Location:
Essex, England
Interests:
Life, the Universe and everything...

Contact Information

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Website URL  http://soundclick.com/andylefevre

Comments

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  1. Photo

    AndyLeF Icon

    29 Nov 2014 - 12:21
    Hi Bernie - think you are better off in Calif. - just wet and wet and wet over here! Good to meet you on the muse!
  2. Photo

    ironynotlost Icon

    29 Nov 2014 - 11:55
    Hello Andy, I'm stuck in Calif. US, but hail from Merry Old, way way back when I was 3 yrs. Bernie
  3. Photo

    AndyLeF Icon

    13 Mar 2014 - 06:35
    Hi Gwyneth - at long last, my comments is up and running - many thanks!
    Do be careful and choose a UK location above any local floodplain - we have had one heck of a lot a rain recently! Cheers
    Andy
  4. Photo

    Gwyneth Rose Icon

    13 Mar 2014 - 05:27
    HI Andy,
    How do you do? LOL
    I see you reside in Essex. I'm coming back to the UK within the next 3 months. Going to live is Oxted, Surrey.
    Cheers
    G
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