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Any song with good melody and lyrics is going to catch my ear

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Icon   AndyLeF To a poet a thousand years past...

Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: ďI Couldnít Sleep (Down the River)Ē

    Posted 12 Aug 2015

    Hey Tom,

    An enjoyable listen :)

    The music always adds so much to the lyric and the phrasing of the lyrics especially suddenly makes the meaning in the lyric a lot more accessible for the listener - for me anyway.

    Great guitar picking and vocals as usual. Think maybe the vocals on "man" in the second line of the verse are a bit heavy for my taste but others may think differently.

    I know it's only a rough recoding but there are a few simple things that would improve the sound. There is lots of ambient noise intruding. Also, it sounds like the vocals were done in two (or three) takes because the vocal stereo image and background ambience changes suddenly on the "…on this raft of glass and nails" and "I couldn't breath" bits.

    The chorus is great - just love the "you search the waters edge" line - Stella!

    Loads of potential here to make a cracking full band sound song.

    Think it's crying out for an instrumental after your first chorus. This would also lengthen your song which at just over 2min is a bit short.

    Anyway, good one as always - I like it!

    Andy
  2. In Topic: tender heart and tough skin

    Posted 4 Aug 2015

    Hi James - welcome to the muse!

    I agree with the comments by Paul and Mike.

    A few more comments below for consideration - mainly to do with superfluous words; to tighten this up for music you really want to be as succinct as possible else there will be a lot of melodic notes not doing much in the music.

    The hook (title) is a little nebulous for me - think a more focused hook would help you crystallise your thoughts more in the verse.

    This is just mho - you have a good story in the making here and I enjoyed the read.

    Good luck with it James.

    Andy


    View Postjhancock, on 04 August 2015 - 06:17 AM, said:

    I am new to this site.I hope to get your advise ,I wont to make this lyric better.


    Remember the man

    Your hook/title is a little weak for me I'm afraid (see my confusion in my chorus comments). Your story has two really strong aspects: Firstly 'dad' leaving and it's affect on the family and secondly, the young son having to suddenly become a man to fill his dad's boots for the rest of the family. This second aspect seems to me to have much stronger story telling possibilities and would suggest a more focused hook/title like: "The Day Billy Became a Man" or something like that.

    Verse
    Billy stills remember that cold wintersí day
    Thatís the day his father walked away You can lose "That's" here with no lose of meaning - you used it in line 1.
    Heís dad he never did say too much "His dad never did say too much"
    Seemed like he was always in a rush
    Billy grew up feeling sad and a really mad Remove "a"
    The logic of the "sad" and therefore "mad" escapes me here as you don't necessarily become mad after being sad. It is good to have internal rhymes in lines as it can really make the line stand out. This internal rhyme though is a bit too 'easy' on rhyming and light on the logic/meaning of the line.

    He wanted his father to be like other dads Good line here; totally understandable and you will carry your audience with you.

    Chorus
    Itís been years, Billy stills remember the man
    I'm a little confused here - is the "man" his dad or the man the eleven year old had to suddenly become".

    Mom said things didnít work out
    His dad moved somewhere in the south We know it's his dad now so maybe replace "His" with "While". Also "in"=>"to"
    Bill remembers shivering in the cold air
    Wondering if his dad ever cared Good two lines here and they flow well!

    Itís been years, Billy stills remember the man

    With the other title possibility this line could become something like:
    "It's been years but Billy still remembers the day he became a man".


    Verse
    His dad left one December day We know it's his dad so simply "His dad"=>"Dad"
    Said his kind of job was hard to find
    He chose to leave his family behind
    Only eleven itís time to become a man
    "It's" here is impersonal - maybe "Only eleven Billy was forced to become a man"
    Mom cried softly sometimes late at night
    She worked in the fields in bright sunlight

    No real sense of hardship in this last line as an explanation for the "Mom cried..." line - think you could add more detail in the last line - maybe something along the lines: "Dawn to dust worked cotton fields in burning sunlight"

    Chorus

    Bridge
    It took years to find out where he is living "he is" => "he's"
    Billy still has a problem with forgiving "a problem with" can be replaced with "problems" with no lose of meaning.
    When we meet I will shake his hand
    Mixed up voice here - why do you suddenly introduce "I"? - think "When they meet Billy will still shake his hand"
    Itís time to talk to him man to man I really like this a lot! - the eleven year old 'man' meeting the other man - great line!
    Tag
    Dad I donít blame everything on you Mixed up voice in the tag, maybe: "Billy doesn't blame everything on his dad"
    For what it worth I love you too "Billy is man enough to still love him"
    @James Hancock
  3. In Topic: "You My Friends"

    Posted 3 Aug 2015

    View PostMike B, on 03 August 2015 - 03:59 PM, said:

    Shouldn't it be "You, my friends..."? (comma after 'you')


    Yes it should be Mike, thx!

    Andy
  4. In Topic: "You My Friends"

    Posted 3 Aug 2015

    Thanks Donna - great comments as usual; have revamped the break and modified the chorus a bit.

    Final pre-music lyrics below - of course, that will mean it all changes again as the melody and song feel evolves!

    We must do a collaboration some time - we've been batting comments back and forth over each others lyrics for years now!

    All the best,

    Andy


    You My Friends
    © 2015 Andrew LeFevre

    Verse 1
    Find tranquillity you seek
    Sheer beauty in existence
    Healing rain will kiss your upturned face
    Let thoughts drift into the distance

    Chorus 1
    You, my friends, are all, my friends, are all
    The dance of life, plays round us and enthrals
    Peace, my friends, find peace, my friends, find peace
    You, my friends, are all, my friends, are all - I reach for

    Verse 2
    Hear the voice of someone calling
    Down the valley on the breeze
    Murmurs from the babbling brook join in
    Overhead a whispering of leaves

    Chorus 2
    You, my friends, are all, my friends, are all
    The dance of life, plays round us and enthrals
    Peace, my friends, find peace, my friends, find peace
    You, my friends, are all, my friends, are all - I reach for

    Break
    When you find me I’ll be waiting
    Waiting where I’ve always been
    We’ll talk and walk as time stands still
    Conquer slopes of impossible hills
    Transcend ravines in man’s goodwill - we will, we will

    Chorus 3
    You, my friends, are all, my friends, are all
    The dance of life, plays round us and enthrals
    Peace, my friends, find peace, my friends, find peace
    You, my friends, are all, my friends, are all - I reach for
  5. In Topic: All That's Left Behind (REV 1)

    Posted 2 Aug 2015

    Hey Donna,

    Haven't seen this before or read any of the other comments so my eyes are fresh on it for you.

    A few comments below which may help or hinder!

    Good luck with it :)

    Andy


    View PostDonnaMarilyn, on 19 July 2015 - 08:13 AM, said:

    I'd love feedback on this. It won the April lyric contest, but a couple of people had problems with the word 'gingham', and others with 'sepia', and the camera references. I think it was Mikey2 who mentioned he didn't like what he thought were colour references in the verses while in the chorus the reference was B&W photos. The thing is that sepia, platinum, and monotone/monochrome aren't considered 'colour' in the the usual sense, but are included within the B&W range. In days when photographers printed their own B&W negatives, they often used those tonings for effect.

    I appreciated everyone's observations, though, and want to take them into account in a revision. :)

    As most of you know, I like to give concrete details in my lyrics (depending on the genre), but wondered whether I was too specific in this one.

    Anyway, I hear it mid-tempo, male vocals. Probably some kind of ballad.

    Have at it, folks. :)

    Donna

    Here You Are All That's Left Behind

    V1
    Here you are in sepia
    ...Dark hair bright with daisies
    Eyes glowing right on cue
    Holding down your gingham dress
    The wind was blowing through

    V2
    Here you are in platinum
    ...Wedding gown is dappled
    You’re standing in the shade
    Smiling as I captured you
    In satin and brocade

    Excellent V1 and V2 here!
    The word "dappled" in V2/line2 kind of brings the flow to an emergency stop though - maybe "dappled cream"?


    Chorus
    My camera followed everywhere
    And caught in black and white

    Shame the old "and" word starts this line off - maybe "captured" for "and caught"

    The loving moments of our time
    Now everything my camera saw
    Is all that’s left behind

    Great hock Donna - nicely focused throughout the lyric.

    V3
    Here you are in monotone
    ...Reaching out to hold me
    Your laugh lines deep as grace
    I never tired of watching
    How moods played on your face

    Again the flow for me in line 2 here comes to a abrupt halt - maybe "...Reaching out to hold onto me"

    Chorus
    My camera followed everywhere
    And caught in black and white
    The loving moments of our time
    Now everything my camera saw
    Is all that’s left behind

    Bridge
    Faded pictures draw me back
    ...I fought against it once
    But then stopped trying
    My heart's become a candle
    Lighting up the memories
    While the flame is dying

    Whole of the bridge is really a bit depressing - though an accurate account of ageing. Will your listeners really thank you for that? You could maybe slant this in a more positive manner by saying some thing along the lines of though the candle of light is getting weaker some memories still shine through strongly - I.e.give them some hope!

    Chorus
    My camera followed everywhere
    And caught in black and white
    The loving moments of our time
    Now everything my camera saw
    Is all that’s left behind

    Tag
    Every loving moment
    …All that’s left behind

My Information

Member Title:
A Muse's Muse
Age:
Age Unknown
Birthday:
Birthday Unknown
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Location:
Essex, England
Interests:
Life, the Universe and everything...

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Website URL  http://https://soundcloud.com/andy-lefevre

Comments

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  1. Photo

    AndyLeF Icon

    29 Nov 2014 - 12:21
    Hi Bernie - think you are better off in Calif. - just wet and wet and wet over here! Good to meet you on the muse!
  2. Photo

    ironynotlost Icon

    29 Nov 2014 - 11:55
    Hello Andy, I'm stuck in Calif. US, but hail from Merry Old, way way back when I was 3 yrs. Bernie
  3. Photo

    AndyLeF Icon

    13 Mar 2014 - 06:35
    Hi Gwyneth - at long last, my comments is up and running - many thanks!
    Do be careful and choose a UK location above any local floodplain - we have had one heck of a lot a rain recently! Cheers
    Andy
  4. Photo

    Gwyneth Rose Icon

    13 Mar 2014 - 05:27
    HI Andy,
    How do you do? LOL
    I see you reside in Essex. I'm coming back to the UK within the next 3 months. Going to live is Oxted, Surrey.
    Cheers
    G
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