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Lyric Contests (35 posts)
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Lyricist, Composer or Both?:
Both
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Any song with good melody and lyrics is going to catch my ear

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Icon   AndyLeF To a poet a thousand years past...

Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: "The Highwayman and Pirate"

    Posted 1 Mar 2015

    Paul - thanks for your comments! Hmmm, personally, I don’t have a problem with a story line taking several reads/listens to ‘get’; in fact I quite like that in a song as I get more out of it with every listen rather than ‘use-all-the-meaning-up’ in one listen! I understand where you are coming from though,it could do with some 'smoothing' in places to make the flow/understanding easier.

    lyriCAL – thanks! I worked hard on the story line and am really pleased you got the meaning and the twist at the end. I understand about the inconsistencies in syllable count and some of the line rhythms – I normally sort them out with lyric changes when the music starts to come together. That’s always a difficult question isn’t it? - if you have two lines that have different rhythms but should have the same rhythm - which one do you change to match the other? If you choose the ‘wrong’ one then a great melody line might have been missed! I’ll normally compose for both lines and then choose the best melody and go back and change the lyrics in the other line.

    Mike B – yes, I was tempted to do a chorus or refrain line but initially thought it would disturb the flow of the story too much. I may reconsider this.

    Neal – many thanks; that means a lot to me coming from you!
    I thought it might have a good chance in the contest but, possibly, it was a bit too wordy and awkward in places to shine on this iteration. Also, maybe the lack of chorus was a factor.

    BHJ – yes, it certainly needs a bit more work to pin down some of the ‘rattles’. Will definitely consider the chorus question if I decide to take it any further.

    Thanks guys :)

    Andy
  2. In Topic: Songs with no chorus

    Posted 24 Feb 2015

    All my songs used to have chorus then I got a bit bored with the imposed lyric format 'straight-jacket' and tried some songs with none and now I love to vary my song format occasional.

    Here are three examples of great songs with no chorus:

    Gordon Lightfoot - Wreck of the Edmund Fizgerald
    It was a major hit in Canada and the USA according to Wiki.

    Alhaville - For A Million

    Alphaville - Heartbreaker

    and finally an attempt to try one myself:

    Andy LeFevre - "Still Under Your Spell"

    Andy
  3. In Topic: Somewhere In The Universe *labels/edits 2/23/15

    Posted 23 Feb 2015

    Hi Mark,

    There are some golden nuggets in this! - but I think you have a bit of 'panning' to do before it all gleams coherently!

    A great start and a few comments and suggestions below,

    Cheers,

    Andy


    View PostMortal_Soul, on 21 February 2015 - 01:48 PM, said:

    Hi guys, I initially posted this in the Artists Cafe as a way to showcase what I think is a stellar hook, and also to keep it fresh in my mind that I needed to rework my opening verse (which I chose not to post the lyrics to due to subject matter). I was going for a more abstract approach with the verses, and a decidedly serious, grounded theme for the chorus & the hook. The contrast is intentional, but now I wanna hear some of your thoughts & opinions on it if it doesn't work, and of course why that is, which is why I moved it here. Go ahead, stab away...I can take it. B)


    So many worried faces
    With so little time to squeeze
    Just a quick look in the mirror
    And a search for missing keys Nice rhyme here

    Cuz ya you woke up late this mornin'
    But you couldn't find the sun
    So ya slipped into your birthday suit A fun line here but the logic? - maybe "slipped out into your birthday suit"?
    And now you're on the run - run - runnnn!

    Halfway 'round the world, my friend
    They're (still) sleeping in Japan
    While things get worse in Africa
    Like genocide's the plan
    Wow! - a sudden huge change of perspective slammed me mentally into a brick wall here. If you are after shock factor you succeeded!

    And somewhere in the universe
    A solar system dies
    And somewhere in the universe
    God cries
    Yeah, somewhere in the universe
    God cries

    Like this! - but maybe you could make it more poignant - words like "universe" and "solar system" are so general and there might be ways of implying them in a more emotional way...
    Maybe something along the line of:

    "And somewhere in the dark expanse
    Delicate webs of life snuff out
    And echoing down the age of man
    God cries
    Yeah, stars are tears shed when
    God cries"
    o.k not great, but hope you see what I'm trying search for here - maybe it'll help a bit...



    So many distant places
    That we'd all like to see
    Anywhere but here, right now
    Is a better place to be

    Yeah!, we are never satisfied are we - haha

    Cuz ya woke up late this mornin'
    But you couldn't find the sun
    So ya slipped into your birthday suit
    And found yourself some fun - fun - funnnn!

    I said;
    Halfway 'round the world,
    There's still a war in Viet Nam
    We're shakin' down the Middle East
    Leavin' bodies in the sand

    And somewhere in the universe
    A soul cries out for love
    As enemy-artillery
    Comes rainin' from above

    This verse is starting to work better imho. The "enemy-artillery" seems a bit too specific to my mind - maybe something more ambiguous with a range of meanings would work here - something like "friendly fire"

    And somewhere in the universe
    Another mother says goodbye
    As somewhere in the universe
    Another son goes off to - die

    1st 2 lines are good. "2nd too have been said a million times before though. Need something more original here imho.

    And somewhere in the universe Too general imho
    Another solar system bleeds O.k
    Another population dying "population" is too general, maybe something like => "life-form" or "life-force" or something...
    With no cure for the disease I like this - has lots of meanings!

    *slows down*
    And then somewhere there's a siren Much better here getting rid of that non specific "universe" - kudos, great line :)
    As a shell falls from - the - skyyyyy
    And somewhere in the silence....
    God cries

    Now you are in the zone Mark!! - these four lines are great and should be your chorus imho.

    Yeah, somewhere in the universe
    A solar system dies
    And somewhere in the universe
    God cries
    Yeah, somewhere in the universe
    God cries
  4. In Topic: Australia that I know

    Posted 23 Feb 2015

    Hi Mick,

    I thought this was a good solid start for your lyric but for me it was a bit too 'clinically' descriptive rather than making me feel what you are describing.

    It seem to me also that you where trying to force the rhymes on your lines rather than first saying what you want to say and only then sorting out a suitable rhyme scheme - could be just me though.

    I'll try and give a few examples of what I mean below.

    As I said, good solid start - you have the foundations here to build on which is half the battle!

    Andy

    View Postmick70, on 23 February 2015 - 07:06 PM, said:

    Australia That I Know

    The sparseness of the green flora
    with the weirdness of strange fauna
    on endless seas of dusty ground

    "My eyes were starved of soothing greens
    in an endless sea of dusty browns"
    O.k not great, but an attempt to bring some emotion into scene


    with dapples of orange and brown
    And the strong, dry, hot winds blow


    Another try here to inject some feeling might be something like:
    "The desiccating winds
    which make me endlessly thirsty"

    In my mind I have pictures of parched white bones, of dead animals. I'm sure being a Aussie you will have far more vivid pictures that you can use...


    That's the Australia that I know
    That's the Australia that I know

    These lines are fine - if you can make the lead-up to them more emotive...

    Riding hard on a bucking bull
    Drought toughened raging animal
    Just only barely holding on good!
    Dusty spectators watching on "vgood!"
    At an outback rodeo
    That's the Australia that I know
    That's the Australia that I know

    People tanning under the sun A bit too 'tame' for me - don't you get burnt out there?!
    Children playing, having fun Ditto - this also applies every where
    A place where the water meets land
    Salty blue against golden sand You've got to bring the shark menace into the picture somewhere
    All set to the summer glow
    That's the Australia that I know
    That's the Australia that I know

    It's a land of different colours
    And full of cultures and creeds

    Why not name them?
    "Aboriginals" is such a great word to use and they are so at one with the land that there must be endless material to use with just how they use/survive the hostile land outback...


    It's a land of roaming livestock
    And of farmers growing seeds
    It's the place where I still grow
    It's the Australia that I know
    It's the Australia that I know
  5. In Topic: February Lyric Contest

    Posted 23 Feb 2015

    Interesting challenge Neal - however, a bit of a dirty trick to play on us just before valentine's day - good one! :lol:

    Reckon there will be an excess of romantic lyrics next month to make up for Feb - unless of course there is another challenge set... ;)

    I had "Walking through the park", "Canyon of Dreams", "Tom's Garage" and "The Immigrant's highway" tied equal in front then another bunch tied on 2nd place.

    Interesting to see how folk coped having to restrict their romantic notions this month - well done everyone and to Neal for running the show and Kim and Tom for scoring - kudos!

    Andy

My Information

Member Title:
Inspirational Muse
Age:
Age Unknown
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Essex, England
Interests:
Life, the Universe and everything...

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Website URL  http://soundclick.com/andylefevre

Comments

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  1. Photo

    AndyLeF Icon

    29 Nov 2014 - 12:21
    Hi Bernie - think you are better off in Calif. - just wet and wet and wet over here! Good to meet you on the muse!
  2. Photo

    ironynotlost Icon

    29 Nov 2014 - 11:55
    Hello Andy, I'm stuck in Calif. US, but hail from Merry Old, way way back when I was 3 yrs. Bernie
  3. Photo

    AndyLeF Icon

    13 Mar 2014 - 06:35
    Hi Gwyneth - at long last, my comments is up and running - many thanks!
    Do be careful and choose a UK location above any local floodplain - we have had one heck of a lot a rain recently! Cheers
    Andy
  4. Photo

    Gwyneth Rose Icon

    13 Mar 2014 - 05:27
    HI Andy,
    How do you do? LOL
    I see you reside in Essex. I'm coming back to the UK within the next 3 months. Going to live is Oxted, Surrey.
    Cheers
    G
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