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Both
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Any song with good melody and lyrics is going to catch my ear

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Icon   AndyLeF To a poet a thousand years past...

Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: I Couldn’t Sleep (Down the River)

    Posted 1 Aug 2015

    "I lie awake, bemoaned, a shattered, broken wreak"

    Fits in with all the raft/river metaphor stuff going on and gets rid of the close repetition of the word "man" which is distracting...

    Andy
  2. In Topic: Mouth Full of Nothin'

    Posted 1 Aug 2015

    Hi Paul,

    I really like your hook and and the way you focus your ideas to reinforce it everywhere - kudos!

    My main nit is in the first two verses - dragging the songwriter down to the level of examples of "nothin'" in the later verse. If you turned that around a little so that it's the songwriter trying to pull the wool off peoples eyes with meaning but they wont do it kind of thing then the whole lyric would be in harmony with the hook and end up being more powerful as a result - just my 10cents.

    Some little nits for me below but you have a strong lyric here ready to go to the composing phase imho.

    Good one :)

    Andy


    View PostPaulCanuck, on 30 July 2015 - 05:44 PM, said:

    OK, I'm sure nobody on this forum writes songs like this (except for maybe me :)/>/> )
    comments welcomed

    Mouth Full of Nothin'
    Copyright 2015 Tennyson Road Music

    Songwriter chooses
    His words with great care
    Convinced there's deep meaning
    In the verse he wrote there

    A little bit rhymed first, lyrics second hear for me in V1 - but a great melody delivery will probably cover this up.
    The last line pulls down the great start to the lyric for me because of the use of the word "verse". O.k. it fits in well with the "Songwriter" image that's been introduced but seems a bit 'technical' imho. Maybe a different word like "message" would work better here as that straddles the ideas you are introducing?


    We listen intently
    As he's strumming his stuff
    But it's a mouth full of nothin'
    And we're no better off

    Shame here you downgrade what the songwriter is trying to do here as the listener looses respect for the singer and the song's message - maybe you could play with the idea that he's actually trying to communicate a deeper meaning that might not be recognised initially and contrast it with your other ideas of "mouth full of nothing" for those that deserve it; the politicians/marketeers of this world!

    A mouth full of nothin'
    We're no better off

    TV is dronin'
    It's tuned to the news
    Commercial is over
    The program resumes

    But there's no satisfaction
    Coming out of the set
    It's a mouth full of nothin'
    And we're no better yet

    These too verse work really well - the listener will sympathise with the message here from there own experiences.

    A mouth full of nothin'
    No, we're no better yet

    {br - 1}
    Why can't they just say what they mean?
    Are they afraid of what people might think?
    When they hide behind a turn of a phrase
    Do they really believe they've been brave?

    Politicians promise us
    They've got a plan
    But it's too complicated
    We won't understand

    Well, we're not that stupid
    We should call their bluff
    It's a mouth full of nothin'!
    And we've had enough!

    Oh yeah!, now we are into your hook properly with these three last section with great meaning that everyone can recognise and relate too - kudos!

    {br - 2}
    Why can't they just say what they mean?
    Are they afraid of what people might think?
    When they hide behind a turn of a phrase
    Do they really believe they've been brave?

    Or do they really have NOTHING to say??

    {outro}
    No, we ain't that stupid
    And we call your bluff
    It's a mouth full of nothin'
    And we've had enough!
    A mouth full of nothin'
    Man.. SO SHUT IT UP!!
  3. In Topic: I Couldn’t Sleep (Down the River)

    Posted 1 Aug 2015

    Hey Tom - wow, a very strong lyrics here with an underlying intensity; love it! :)

    Some minor comments below.

    Looking forward as always to hearing a new Ironknee song power out of the either!

    Cheers,

    Andy


    View PostIronknee, on 29 July 2015 - 03:29 PM, said:

    Hi everyone, just wondering what you all think of this lyric.
    Thanks in advance ;)/>/>
    -Tom


    I Couldn’t Sleep (Down the River)
    by Tom Tognaci

    I couldn’t sleep, it wouldn’t keep
    I lie awake, bemoaned, the shattered, broken man
    All I could be is the man that you see
    Out from the corners of your restless, roaming eyes

    The repeat of the word "man" in the second and third line detracts from the intensity here for me. I think the third line definately needs man as it ties so well into the "...your restless, roaming eyes" bit in the fourth line. Think maybe in the second line:
    "I lie awake, bemoaned, the shattered, broken child" would add to the sense of vulnerability this guy is feeling...



    And, as you lead me down the river, with broken oars, holes in my sails,
    You search the water’s edge, while I float out forever…
    …on this raft of glass and nails Oh yeah - brilliant two lines here man!!

    "broken" and "holes" are logical and Spock like - think more emotive words would build intensity here? Perhaps:
    "shattered oars and shredded sails"....


    I couldn’t sleep, it wouldn’t keep
    I lie awake, bemoaned, this lost and hopeless man This 'man' works o.k this verse if you sort the first verse
    I couldn’t breathe, but I couldn’t leave
    So, with a shove, you sent me down the river’s stream "sent" = too logical for me - maybe "cast" would give this extra bite...

    And,
    As you lead me down the river, with broken oars, holes in my sails,
    You search the water’s edge, while I float out forever…
    …on this raft of glass and nails
    …on this raft of glass and nails
  4. In Topic: Stealth Bomber (of the heart)

    Posted 16 Jul 2015

    MikeB - thanks!
    I think both meanings would actually work for this kind of woman; however, she is more likely to take her toothbrush and maybe even his!! Yep, typos keep pesternig me! - cheers.

    Paul - greAT suggestions!! - will use all of those - thanks! :)

    Andy
  5. In Topic: Baby, you were killing me (rewrite)

    Posted 15 Jul 2015

    Hi Brossell,

    I was bracing my self against your "Stalker" title and was pleasantly surprised by your lyrics which didn't seem obviously related to the title but did flow well.

    I'm guessing the lyric (title) theme is about someone this guy is around a lot and who doesn't realise he's thinking about her all the time. Your title for these lyrics maybe better focused with something like:

    "Baby, your killing Me" - strong hook/title material. Don't know how original it is but that doesn't matter.
    or less appealing:
    "Cold, Cold Sweat"

    A few thoughts below.

    Cheers,

    Andy


    View Postbrossell, on 08 July 2015 - 10:04 PM, said:

    Been awhile since i posted anything new

    I've done a few reviews, but nothing i worked on seemed to go anywhere

    This one has potential...but it needs help

    no music.....and no particular genre

    all remarks are kindly appreciated.....good and bad



    The Stalker

    V1
    Flashing those pearly whites
    Giving me that one time might Great line here!
    Teasing me with those dreamy eyes
    Baby, you’re killing me Think this should be your hook!

    I can hear this being sung a a fairly intense pop song - easy to put a melody to this.

    V2
    Please tell me what I need to hear
    Been waiting seems like a year "Been waiting - oh seems like years"?
    My patience is waning like the moon
    Baby, you’re killing me


    ch
    Been dreaming the same old dream
    Same scenes, night after night
    Cant seem to get you outta my mind
    But nothing about this seems right
    The sheets are again dripping wet
    Awkward here, maybe "The sheets again are dripping wet" flows slightly better
    As I wake from a cold, cold sweat

    "Cold, cold sweat" is quite a good hook - but not as good as "Baby, your killing me" imho.


    V3
    Every day I think this is the one "this"=>"she"?
    Oh god, we should be havin some fun
    Wondering if you’re thinking the same
    Baby, you’re killing me


    V4
    I tried so hard to resist
    Oh how I wanted that kiss "wanted that"=>"want your"?
    You just wanted me to leave
    Now I sit in my cell and grieve Good line here!


    ch
    Been dreaming the same old dream
    Same scenes, night after night
    Cant seem to get you outta my mind
    But nothing about this seems right
    The sheets are again dripping wet
    As I wake from a cold, cold sweat

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A Muse's Muse
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Life, the Universe and everything...

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Comments

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  1. Photo

    AndyLeF Icon

    29 Nov 2014 - 12:21
    Hi Bernie - think you are better off in Calif. - just wet and wet and wet over here! Good to meet you on the muse!
  2. Photo

    ironynotlost Icon

    29 Nov 2014 - 11:55
    Hello Andy, I'm stuck in Calif. US, but hail from Merry Old, way way back when I was 3 yrs. Bernie
  3. Photo

    AndyLeF Icon

    13 Mar 2014 - 06:35
    Hi Gwyneth - at long last, my comments is up and running - many thanks!
    Do be careful and choose a UK location above any local floodplain - we have had one heck of a lot a rain recently! Cheers
    Andy
  4. Photo

    Gwyneth Rose Icon

    13 Mar 2014 - 05:27
    HI Andy,
    How do you do? LOL
    I see you reside in Essex. I'm coming back to the UK within the next 3 months. Going to live is Oxted, Surrey.
    Cheers
    G
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