Muse's Muse Songwriting Message Board: If I Fell - Muse's Muse Songwriting Message Board

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If I Fell

#1 User is offline   porcupine Icon

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Posted 04 May 2012 - 10:58 AM

If I fell
© 2012 Charlie Eschbach, BMI

My link

I've been touched by the flame
Still I don't feel the burn
Been poisoned by the game
Yet from this I have learned

Morning light crashing into my eyes
Yet I can see where this road is leading me

But If I fell into your heart
would I play the fool?
But If I fell into your heart
would I lose the cool?

I've been drenched by the rain
still somehow, I come out dry
Been pointed out in blame
yet I break down those reasons why

Morning light crashing into my eyes
Yet I can see where this road is leading me

But If I fell into your heart
would I play the fool?
But If I fell into your heart
would I lose the cool?

Not much on conversation, never claimed to be
whats all this fascination with what I can not be

Morning light crashing into my eyes
Yet I can see where this road is leading me

But If I fell into your heart
would I play the fool?
If I fell into your heart
would I lose the cool?
If I fell into your heart
If I fell into your heart
would I lose the cool?

I've been touched by the flame
#1 song on Onstage.com's Holiday Playlist in Nov 2011 "Could This Be Christmas"
#5 song on Onstage.com's Open for Bon Jovi in May of 2010 "Turn It Down"
recorded and produced songs with several grammy winners and nominees
songs writen have been recorded by The Standard, Wooden Nickel, Jody Stapler and Prototype
see more of my music at charlieeschbach.com

#2 User is offline   daryl1968 Icon

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Posted 04 May 2012 - 11:13 AM

nice vocal, great production.
Not my sort of thing but I can totally appreciate it as a well written song.
The one thing I would change is the title - 'If I Fell' being a rather famous Beatles song. you could add (into your heart)

#3 User is offline   Onewholovesrock Icon

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Posted 04 May 2012 - 11:33 AM

Hey Charlie, crankin em out! lol. Nice job. Usually something I wouldn't normally listen to. But I think this would be perfect on the radio. It also sounds like it could work as a modern country song. Which is basically modern pop songs with country sounding singers and a little twang thrown in. At least here in the U.S.A. So yeah, basically a perfectly written song in my opinion. Great performances and production like you usually have. I only have one small critique. I've mentioned this on other songs of yours but it's all in your own taste I guess. For me, I would have liked to hear a little guitar lead after the bridge where you left it open for it. It was only like one measure. Just enough lead to add a little bit more flavor.
Another good one!

#4 User is offline   Wolf Kier Icon

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Posted 04 May 2012 - 12:21 PM

Hi Charlie,
This is song number 5 of yours, I think. I'm gonna stop counting soon.

Some really solid radio pop/rock writing going on here.

Loving the drum sound by the way, those tom rolls made me smile.

My input here is really only in the dynamic delivery of sections of the lyric.

In the first verse you seem to stumble around with the lyric. It needs heavy polishing, especially since it's the opening section and the "change station" period. Compare the much more smooth second verse (which is still a little flat but at least doesn't fall over itself)

When you sing "Would I lose the cool?" you really are giving up an opportunity to "brand" the song with a melodic hook, Your instincts are telling you that there should be a rise there, almost like an inflection over a question when you're speaking (you do it with the guitars) but the vocal just sits there... and I'm not getting a confidence, nor are you exploiting the fact that it might not be cool, but it sure will be fun! Will I? Won't I? (its an upbeat pop song so you will but you can tease some) Indeed, "lose the cool" might be a nice ironic title.

It just needs more sizzle... you need to sell it harder... turn on any radio and listen hard to what it'll be competing with in this category and imagine what would make it stand out from that crowd. With this song I feel like you're closest to the "zone" you're aiming for. Bigger Brighter Stronger... I'm sure you mean it, now transmit that feeling out to an audience. Melancamp, for example, upped the game and got back everything he gave.

Hope this helps some. I hope too that I'm zeroing in on where you want to be.

wolf.

#5 User is offline   hurtchow Icon

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Posted 06 May 2012 - 09:09 AM

This is a very sharp sounding song! I agree with what others are saying, that I wouldn't normally listen to music like this but I appreciate it. You did a flawless job.

#6 User is offline   Ironknee Icon

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Posted 06 May 2012 - 09:31 AM

Hey there Porc..........Great tune you have there........very good songwriting, performing, and producing!!
I agree w/ Hobo....."If I Fall" would sit better B) -Tom
"I Know The Truth By My Struggle Against It"

#7 User is offline   Middleground Icon

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Posted 06 May 2012 - 12:01 PM

A solid song.
We have a station here which I listen to at work, where this song could easily be on their playlist.

#8 User is offline   porcupine Icon

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Posted 08 May 2012 - 11:10 AM

Middleground: Thanks for the compliment.

IronKnee/daryl: Im thinking about what to do with the title

Hurtchow: Thanks for the kind words

Wolf Kier: I appreciate you listening to so many of my tunes! I agree, toms arent used very much in alot of modern pop, atleast not a natural tone. I do agree that the cadence of the first verse is differnt, so ill look at that. I appreciate all the other advice too.

Onewholovestorock: That little space you notice is for a solo or sorts. Its blank for the exact reason you kinda eluded to..This may be used as a crossover country song....funny how you caught that too. thanks for the kind words

HoboSage: I do see what you say with the title. Thanks for all the positive comments!

Thanks everyone!
#1 song on Onstage.com's Holiday Playlist in Nov 2011 "Could This Be Christmas"
#5 song on Onstage.com's Open for Bon Jovi in May of 2010 "Turn It Down"
recorded and produced songs with several grammy winners and nominees
songs writen have been recorded by The Standard, Wooden Nickel, Jody Stapler and Prototype
see more of my music at charlieeschbach.com

#9 User is offline   Zeek Icon

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Posted 08 May 2012 - 02:27 PM

Charlie...usual good production and vocals...but it misses the mark a bit because of the vocal phrasing. I think there's too much space between lines in the chorus as well as the last line of the pre. Almost like a stutter step.

Feel is great and that's big for me in a song. Ride cymbal cuts a bit too much. I think the main thing I'm missing is a killer riff to bookend the tune. That chorded riff really isn't a riff. I need that extra something to make it magical.

Solid regardless.

Zeek

#10 User is offline   DannyDep Icon

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Posted 08 May 2012 - 05:42 PM

Hi Charlie,
I like this a lot.
Everything fits for me, except for one line in your lyric. :(
"would I lose the cool?"
To me it sounded like you were just trying to find a word to rhyme with fool.

What if you were to add a little mystery to the story and replace it with
"who might play the fool?"
Okay, lyrics are not my strong point so take this with a pound of flesh. :blink: :lol:

It's really easy to listen to this song.
You did a great production job.
Good luck with it. :)
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#11 User is offline   gerrybhoy Icon

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Posted 09 May 2012 - 03:31 AM

Really nice listen, great performance and production, my only observation would be that the vocal does not match the dynamics of the the music, a little held back I think. Enjoyed the song.
singerysongwritery type individual a natural born weegieburger and lover of black country dogs

#12 User is offline   RobAsh15 Icon

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Posted 09 May 2012 - 11:44 AM

Great tune.

Drums are too far forward.

Some of the lyrics could use a bit of word crafting. Nothing is awful, but there are places, I felt, where changing just one word would really make a difference, in my opinion, like, in the first verse, you use the word "yet", where, in that context, I'd use the word "and", or even maybe "but"... there were a lot of places like that, where I felt like, if you sat at the table one night, with these lyrics in front of you, a cold drink and settled mind, and no time limit, you could word craft this song into a thing of real beauty and poignancy.

The mix needs a little reverb and maybe a little stereo depth. Everything seems to be in the center, and sort of limited in breadth. The mix feels like it needs to breathe.

Once again, a really cool song. Glad I listened.

#13 User is offline   Richy Icon

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Posted 09 May 2012 - 05:57 PM

As I was listening there were a few spots where I had to check your lyric sheet to see what you were singing, it seemed to get a bit muffled in the delivery. I also thought that the timing of the vocals in the chorus could be better applied. Too much space. I was humming along and sort of expected vocals to start at one point, and they didn't, and didn't...the timing to me just seemed a little unnatural. I know some folks thought the drums were too up front, but I like drums and this didn't really bother me. Great tune though, very professionally done.
Rich Wells
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#14 User is offline   porcupine Icon

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Posted 11 May 2012 - 02:14 PM

Hey Richy: Thanks for taking the time an listening to my song and give me feedback. IM going to listen to that "space" in the chorsu and see what you mean, sometime where you write you overlook the obvious.

RobAsh15:
your explaination is one of the reasons i posted it, sometimes you just need that 2nd voice that agrees with your inner one (i ignored obviously! lol)

gerybohy: i sense a little of that on this demo. I trying figure some ways to work it out

DannyDep:
man, you give some great suggestions! I like that line instead, dont worry, you are dead on

Zeek: I gotta work on that "spacing thing. I will nail it. and that "signature riff"...lol I must have missed it at mix down..Ill repost with the corrections


Thanks all!
Porcupine
#1 song on Onstage.com's Holiday Playlist in Nov 2011 "Could This Be Christmas"
#5 song on Onstage.com's Open for Bon Jovi in May of 2010 "Turn It Down"
recorded and produced songs with several grammy winners and nominees
songs writen have been recorded by The Standard, Wooden Nickel, Jody Stapler and Prototype
see more of my music at charlieeschbach.com

#15 User is offline   dtrain1234 Icon

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Posted 11 May 2012 - 02:59 PM

Hey,

Nice vocals and production! This style is not my cup of tea but I give you props for the superb songwriting chops. My only nit would be change the title to "I Fell" or "If I Fall." Good luck with the song!

Darin
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#16 User is offline   porcupine Icon

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Posted 14 May 2012 - 06:35 AM

Hey dtrain:

thanks for the listen. seems like quite a few agree with the title change. I had thought that from the start also. Thanks for the kind words on production!

Porcupine
#1 song on Onstage.com's Holiday Playlist in Nov 2011 "Could This Be Christmas"
#5 song on Onstage.com's Open for Bon Jovi in May of 2010 "Turn It Down"
recorded and produced songs with several grammy winners and nominees
songs writen have been recorded by The Standard, Wooden Nickel, Jody Stapler and Prototype
see more of my music at charlieeschbach.com

#17 User is offline   somefellow Icon

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Posted 14 May 2012 - 02:13 PM

Hey Charlie,
That chorus is absolutely killer.
Really good sound too.
Tom

#18 User is offline   Ricky Layne Icon

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Posted 14 May 2012 - 11:51 PM

Porq,

Good song and the chorus hook is very good. Unfortunately this song does not stand out to me as very original. I guess that can be good and bad in that it would fit into pop radio pretty well i just dont think it would really GRAB listeners and keep them long term. Still this song is worth finishing and getting out there. I could absolutely hear this in a movie. I think along with a visual it would be great.

I noticed the drums too forward right away too. Good playing though!

Solid.

Ricky

#19 User is offline   porcupine Icon

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Posted 17 May 2012 - 12:59 PM

Ricky,
thanks for the kind words, I do work hard on a solid chorus. I do agree with you about the memorable thing, Im trying to figure out if that lies in the "substance" of the lyric or an overall arrangemnt thing. I do also agree with the drums being out of balance.

somefellow:
thanks for the kind words! Ill check out a song of yours in a day or two.

Porcupine
#1 song on Onstage.com's Holiday Playlist in Nov 2011 "Could This Be Christmas"
#5 song on Onstage.com's Open for Bon Jovi in May of 2010 "Turn It Down"
recorded and produced songs with several grammy winners and nominees
songs writen have been recorded by The Standard, Wooden Nickel, Jody Stapler and Prototype
see more of my music at charlieeschbach.com

#20 User is offline   SoddyBottoms Icon

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Posted 17 May 2012 - 06:36 PM

Diggitt ! My favorite part was the Drums they were great...
I have been fortunate enough to get a great bite of the Apple of Life. One thing I know for sure. Watch out for the Worms!

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#21 User is offline   CowboySlim Icon

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Posted 20 May 2012 - 07:24 PM

View Postporcupine, on 04 May 2012 - 10:58 AM, said:

If I fell
© 2012 Charlie Eschbach, BMI

My link

I've been touched by the flame
Still I don't feel the burn
Been poisoned by the game
Yet from this I have learned

Morning light crashing into my eyes
Yet I can see where this road is leading me

But If I fell into your heart
would I play the fool?
But If I fell into your heart
would I lose the cool?

I've been drenched by the rain
still somehow, I come out dry
Been pointed out in blame
yet I break down those reasons why

Morning light crashing into my eyes
Yet I can see where this road is leading me

But If I fell into your heart
would I play the fool?
But If I fell into your heart
would I lose the cool?

Not much on conversation, never claimed to be
whats all this fascination with what I can not be

Morning light crashing into my eyes
Yet I can see where this road is leading me

But If I fell into your heart
would I play the fool?
If I fell into your heart
would I lose the cool?
If I fell into your heart
If I fell into your heart
would I lose the cool?

I've been touched by the flame



I like it, but it needs some work. The lyric doesn't say anything. Would I lose the cool? What does that mean? It looks and sounds like you are grasping at straws, hoping to get away with something that doesn't mean anything, as long as it sounds good. People are listening to the song lyrics, as much as you appear to be hoping they aren't. And if you insult their intelligence, you may get away with it once, but do you really want to be a one-hit-wonder? (Assuming that you DO get away with it.) Another point I'd like to stress here is the accuracy of the lyric to the recording. If you repeat something, as you do many times in this recording, the repeats belong in the printed lyric. Otherwise, you are not being faithful to your listener. You say, "Here, follow along with me..." and then give them different words than the ones you sing.

All the criticism to the contrary, I think this song has real potential. You do need to rewrite. And I am not going to presume to give you any suggestions about what you should say, you are competent enough as a lyricist. But fix that inane rhyme/line. Make it SAY something.

As to the title, sure, the Beatles recorded a song titled "If I Fell". It was on Rubber Soul, which I think, came out in 1965 or 1966. That's 47 years ago, but the folks who haunt this website apparently think that isn't long enough. Hah! The Dixie Chicks recorded a song titled "If I Fall". That's a little more recent, but so what? You can't copyright a title. I once wrote a song titled "Fishin'" and after I posted it on my BMI account, I did a site search on BMI to see how many songs had that title. If I remember correctly, there were over a thousand. On this board, there are currently songs titled "The Letter", "Summertime", "Burn", "It's Alright", "Hang On!", "Mary Ann", "You Don't Know Me", "Time", etc. Do ANY of these titles look or sound familiar??? They were all hit songs in the past 50 years, some of them used more than once, for different songs.

I think you're safe with your title.


Slim
A real person!

#22 User is offline   porcupine Icon

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Posted 24 May 2012 - 10:40 AM

Soddy Bottoms:

Thanks for the kind words! I always like using live drums if possible

Cowboy Slim:

Yeah, one of the reasons I posteds this is it was a song that got passed over. I want to re-work it and appreciate the comments.

I think BMI lists about 200 songs with the same title, so Im pretty sure Im safe there!

Porcupine
#1 song on Onstage.com's Holiday Playlist in Nov 2011 "Could This Be Christmas"
#5 song on Onstage.com's Open for Bon Jovi in May of 2010 "Turn It Down"
recorded and produced songs with several grammy winners and nominees
songs writen have been recorded by The Standard, Wooden Nickel, Jody Stapler and Prototype
see more of my music at charlieeschbach.com

#23 User is offline   skingswell Icon

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Posted 24 May 2012 - 02:38 PM

Charlie

Excellent performance, great vocals and great melody. There didn't seem to be much grabbing me in the lyrics but when a melody is this good I don't really care much :-)

Good work, first song of yours I have heard and can't wait to hear more

Sarah
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#24 User is offline   Jason Kalman Icon

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Posted 26 May 2012 - 10:04 AM

Charlie
Great chorus! Loved it. The instrumental part of the song is also killer. The only thing that I thought needed some work was the verse melody. I thought it was a little flat and could use fleshing out to get more out of it. It kind of bored me, but the chorus more than made up for it.
Overall, great song, I would just rework the verse.
Jason
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#25 User is offline   porcupine Icon

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Posted 29 May 2012 - 10:32 AM

Jason,
thanks for the comments! I want to change that verse thing, its killing me too. I usually have some sort of melody in the verse stronger than this, dont know why i settled. Sometimes too strong of a verse almosts takes away from the chorus, maybe thats what i was thinking.

Im with yaon the verse

Skingswell,
Thanks for the kind words. Im looking forward to checking your music out too.

Jim,
Yeah, I searched that song title on BMI, WOW! must be 200 different songs with that title.

Porcupine
#1 song on Onstage.com's Holiday Playlist in Nov 2011 "Could This Be Christmas"
#5 song on Onstage.com's Open for Bon Jovi in May of 2010 "Turn It Down"
recorded and produced songs with several grammy winners and nominees
songs writen have been recorded by The Standard, Wooden Nickel, Jody Stapler and Prototype
see more of my music at charlieeschbach.com

#26 User is offline   tidepool Icon

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Posted 29 May 2012 - 11:51 AM

(not reading previous reviews, forgive me if i sound redundant)

Lovely tune!

imo, the first verses need a bit more for drama

the opening line grabs but the second doesn't hold me...

"morning light crashing"...love that!

really nice melody...the vocal is great!

"would i lose the cool"...that line killed the chorus, for me

"the bridge is better than the chorus"

personally, "i would lose the cool"

but...all in all a very good piece,

with great tones and bones

hope i'm helping here!

Cheers! :)



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