[porcupine]

Man, just can kick this cold. I know that'll show up as a crit. recorded on a laptop mic, pretty hot.
Do you think there should be a short solo?
All other crits welcome

My link

All Over You
© 2012 Charlie Eschbach, BMI

Armed with white jeans and a smile, heels clicking on the tile
Took a minute to soak you in and so it begins
Don't know how it came to be when I got no game in me
Stars must have been aligned to give me your time

If these lips had the courage
And my hands knew what to do
I'd be a lucky man to put them
All over you
All over you

Must be something wrong, Ive been up through the dawn
Waiting for your call, tearing at the walls
I guess I'll take the blame as this heart goes down in flames
And your promises burn down to the ground


If this heart had the courage
And my head knew what to do
It would be lucky to be
All over you

Now guys, heed all these words, it may sound absurd
Her lies they did me in and you cant win
And she cant lose, but you will be amused
You too will fade away but maybe someday


your heart will have the courage
and your head knows what to do
just from the start know that she'll be
all over you
all over you
all over you

[RickDieffenbach]

You just keep kicking out these kick butt songs. Highly productive.

Solid melody in this tune. It has a bit of fun to it.

Solid chorus.

No suggestions except keep doing what you are doing.

Rick

[Scotto]

Love the Intricacy of the guitar at the start

Good solid verse beginning. Colds stink...

Verses are nice and solid. Can't wait to here it done up...

Always think there should be a solo

Nice work as usual...

[Onewholovesrock]

Cool Charlie. Looks like you keep crankin em out. Sounds pretty good. I can hear the cold affecting you some. I liked the cool guitar licks throughout. I don't have much else to say. I agree with always having a guitar solo when possible. Good stuff. Keep crankin em out!

[kimberlyinnc]

porcupine, on 28 April 2012 - 03:54 PM, said:

Man, just can kick this cold. I know that'll show up as a crit. recorded on a laptop mic, pretty hot.
Do you think there should be a short solo?
All other crits welcome

My link

All Over You
© 2012 Charlie Eschbach, BMI

Armed with white jeans and a smile, heels clicking on the tile- I am thinking tight jeans may fit better, though I know a bit more cliche' but to me it would get attention more than white jeans...just me..
Took a minute to soak you in and so it begins--would it be takes a minute to soak you in, so it begins. for tense purposes? not sure..
Don't know how it came to be when I got no game in me
Stars must have been aligned to give me your time- this line kinda leaves me wondering what it means...does it mean for you to give me your time?
If these lips had the courage
And my hands knew what to do
I'd be a lucky man to put them
All over you
All over you

Must be something wrong, Ive been up through the dawn--I've been up 'til dawn?
Waiting for your call, tearing at the walls- not sure what tearing at the walls means..
I guess I'll take the blame as this heart goes down in flames
And your promises burn down to the ground- Charles, here I am left wondering what happened. did he ask her out, and she didn't call him back. to me there is some info missing here to make the story as clear as it could be, just my opinion.

If this heart had the courage
And my head knew what to do
It would be lucky to be
All over you

Now guys, heed all these words, it may sound absurd
Her lies they did me in and you cant win
And she cant lose, but you will be amused
You too will fade way but maybe someday


your heart will have the courage
and your head knows what to do
just from the start know that she'll be
all over you
all over you
all over you

I think the music is fantastic, the melody and chorus are catchy but I am left not sure what happened to the couple, did they ever go out or not, and the last verse, I am not sure what it means ...you too will fade away but maybe someday...

I know you asked me for my opinion on this and it seems others like it fine so maybe it is just me but the lyrics are leaving me with more questions than answers. good luck with it

Kimberly

[Wolf Kier]

Really digging this one Charlie.
Got a Melancamp/Willburies thing going on. I'd love to hear a full band version of this. How the rhythm section adds will make or break this idea.
It works as a guitar demo because you're providing all the juicy hooks/cues in the recording.
For a fuller verison, personally I'd
1) drop a verse (last one?) It's a little word heavy for a pop/rock song with so much sing along potential.
2) tighten up the lyric in the remaining verses (she walks in, your jaw drops, you give in to this.... because...)
2) add a chorus or two to the end (All Over You is a great sing along hook) and
3) play your solo in accompaniment licks through (under and around) the vocal in the change.

Good job
Hope this helps some
wolf.

[Ironknee]

Hey there Porc.............great "train-tracks" sound to this. This is a cool rambin' tune! I love the undisciplined pitch to your voice...very natural and inviting!
Good hook, by the way!
Love it -Tom

[DeeDee]

Hi Porcupine!

Super song! Your vocals put me in mind of Mick Jagger...(eg.You Can't Always Get What You Want) I really like the style of singing you've adopted here.

The melody is definitely a stay-in-your-header and my favorite part, lyrically, is the chorus. I had a good chuckle at the image this created in my mind...

Loved the guitar accompaniment...and 'yes' to the idea of a solo.

[JewelFan001]

hey, it's been awhile since I've been on these boards.

Porcupine,

I'm really liking the groove of this song. I like the chorus the best. I think what I'm liking about it is the simplicity of it. However, the verses seem to get intricate, which may not be a bad thing. I am finding (in my own songs) that the more complex I get with things, the muse just doesn't come out in me. If that makes any sense. Today I wrote a song, and was wowed by how it came out, when I was honest with my feelings and just let them flow. Some of the rhymes like lose and amuzed seem not to go with the feeling of the song (for me). Thanks for taking the time to post this song. Overall, it is great. I miss songwriting, so I'm getting back into the swing of things. Take anything I say lightly cause I'm still learning

-Travis

[porcupine]

Jewelfan001: Thanks for all the kind words, I hope things go well with your writing and look forward to your posts!

DeeDee: Thank you! The one thing in the last few years I focus on it keep light hearted and continue to have a sense of humor, Im glad you noticed that. Im gonna see if I can fit that "solo" in there. I wanted to soooo badly.

Ironknee (Tom): Thanks for the feedback. I never heard the "train tracks" descriptionbefore, but I get it. definately what I was shooting for

Hey Wolf: Good advice, I think I am going to duck in and out with some guitar riffs. I do agree with you on getting the right rhythm section. Ill check out a different arrangement, maybe VCVCB Solo C C as your request, I am, however addicted to keeping it within 3-4 mnutes. thanks for the advice.

Kimberly,With the "white/tight" jeans thing, I did want to stay away from tight. Also, white gives an image of "purity' which helps me build the image to knock down in the second verse.
Again, tearing at the walls is another way of saying "climbing up the walls" indicating frustration.
promises burned down --- i think I was clear here that she didnt call me, im not sure how to be more clear

I though by singing the chorus implied that he didnt get a chance YET to touch or kiss her, but i will look at it again

Man, I really must be missing something here. I guess Ill re-visit

Onewholovesrock: In the past 5 years, I decided to become more serious about my writing, so I do "crank them out" much more now than ever.

Scotto: Yeah, this cold "got" me. Im definately getting better. thanks. Im gonna squeeze a few solo notes in there...

Rick - Thanks for the kind words. I really love your stuff and to hear you say you like mine, really is a high compliment!

Thanks everyone!