Muse's Muse Songwriting Message Board: Sweet Laura - Muse's Muse Songwriting Message Board

Jump to content

Forum Rules

>Please use the “Forum Guidelines” link at the top of the screen to read General Policies.
>Remember that these songs are only going to be kept up here a maximum of 30 days. Keep a backup of your work.

Rules for Posting a Song:
1) Please critique 2 or more songs for every song you post.
2) Please post only one song per day.
3) Please keep it tasteful i.e. no overt sexuality or obscene, offensive language, etc.
4) Please indicate the intended genre below the title of your song, and also what kind of a critique you're after. Is this a song that you'll be promoting commercially? Is it a song you wrote simply because you wanted to and you'd like to make it better? The more info people have, the better they'll be able to give you the kind of feedback you're after. And please PLEASE note - if you're not really after critique at all, don't post here. The Artist's Cafe is happy to hear your completed songs. This is the place to post if you want honest feedback and are prepared to take what is given (what you do with it, is of course, up to you).
5) Please post the lyrics along with the clickable link to your song's music.
6) Only post songs you have written or have permission to post. Please don't post cover songs.
7) It is polite to acknowledge critiques, but please don’t overdo it by “bumping” your thread to the top too frequently.
8) If you revise the song, please give a date and post on the same thread, or folks will unknowingly still comment on the old one.
9) Please be sure to visit other areas of the board to both learn and spread your knowledge.

Rules for Critiquing a Song:
1) The purpose of this forum is to promote better song writing by providing encouragement and constructive feedback focused on improvement. Strive to be courteous and respectful in your critiques, keeping in mind that we all come to this forum with different perspectives, genre preferences and levels of experience.
2) Offer constructive criticism and suggestions you think may help the writer make the most of his or her vision of where they want to go with their song.
3) If you think something really works, say so. Make an attempt to say why you think it does. If you see areas you think could be improved, explain why you believe they need improvement and offer suggestions, if you have any.

Anonymity often helps us forget that there is a person at the other end of our critique. Imagine, if you can, that you are speaking to the writer face to face.

Thanks!
Page 1 of 1

Sweet Laura Rocker for another artist

#1 User is offline   porcupine Icon

  • Inspirational Muse
  • PipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 458
  • Joined: 04-November 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Reading, Pa
  • Interests:Music, baseball, comedy, my wife and son

Posted 14 April 2012 - 04:59 PM

Hey all,

Got a chance to record another song. Looking for ideas before re-recording. Lyrics/sturcture...anything. The vocals are a little low in the mix. This will be re-recorded a bit heavier, so just keep that in mind.
There's a section for a solo (not sure if we'll put one in)

sweet laura

Sweet Laura
Charlie Eschbach, BMI 2011

Didn't mean to shoot you down, these things I gotta do
don't need you hanging round but not to say that we're through
she thinks that she can tell if we've been on the sly
jealousy's sweet tounge voice has got her asking why

can't she see, you mean nothing to me
or so I say...

Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
would you think she'd understand
Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
No No No
Sweet Laura don't take me my the hand

Didn't mean to put you out, the things I gotta do
Don't know what you're about or what you're going through
she thinks that she can tell if we've been on the sly
Jealousy's sweet tounge voice has got her asking why

can't she see, you mean nothing to me
or so I say...

Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
would you think she'd understand
Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
No No No
Sweet Laura don't take me my the hand

Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
would you think she'd understand
Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
No No No
Sweet Laura No, don't take me my the hand
Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
#1 song on Onstage.com's Holiday Playlist in Nov 2011 "Could This Be Christmas"
#5 song on Onstage.com's Open for Bon Jovi in May of 2010 "Turn It Down"
recorded and produced songs with several grammy winners and nominees
songs writen have been recorded by The Standard, Wooden Nickel, Jody Stapler and Prototype
see more of my music at charlieeschbach.com

#2 User is offline   Ironknee Icon

  • A Muse's Muse
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 1,549
  • Joined: 25-August 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Hawaii
  • Interests:Adding a few more degrees to this sultry night with the sound of my lonely saxophone, from out of a cheap, 5th floor, hotel room window, located just underneath some old, neon billboard.....you know, the kind that has a few of the lights just blinking.

Posted 14 April 2012 - 08:54 PM

Great sound Porc......need to bring the vocals up in this mix!! Your vocals are teriffic.......just read your post :P OK, you know about the vocals!

.............Now, all you need is a little cutie to grace your video. Could be a hit B) -Tom
"I Know The Truth By My Struggle Against It"

#3 User is offline   RickDieffenbach Icon

  • A Muse's Muse
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 1,108
  • Joined: 20-August 11

Posted 15 April 2012 - 04:18 AM

Hi Porc,

Packed full of hi intensity energy. This is a song that will punch out on the radio, and have the people in the car bobbing their heads.

But...the one thing that caught my ear was melody for the line:

"would you think she'd understand"

...The note on the word "stand". I can't quite put my finger on it, but it somehow doesn't carry it's weight. It's almost like it's flat - and I am not referring to pitch. But to "punch".

The surrounding melody is excellent, it's just that one note doesn't support the energy of the chorus like I think I could.

Just a thought.

Rick

#4 User is offline   ScenesFromPalacio Icon

  • A Muse's Muse
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 1,364
  • Joined: 01-April 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Birmingham UK
  • Interests:Living in my mythic song dreamworld as much as possible..

Posted 15 April 2012 - 07:32 AM

Think this is a cool track Charlie-I love the edginess of the vibe..Great vocal performance -and if its just you doing all the drums in midi etc you've managed to create a great energy n intensity with the sound.. The way you rise the vocal on the 'SHOOT you down' is sooo cool- and my favourite part of the song
The way it was constructed was good and its obviously extremely catchy..
For me (if i was being picky ) i wanted something abit more inspired or tense/musically suprising imbetween the 'sweet Laura' chorus bits (middle n end of chorus )..But i know thats just my personal taste -What you've got is fine-and maybe for the average listener they'd prefer it the way you've got it..

#5 User is offline   Onewholovesrock Icon

  • A Muse's Muse
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 793
  • Joined: 07-April 12
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Central Wisconsin
  • Interests:Music, Photography, Motorcycling, Good Beer.

Posted 15 April 2012 - 09:43 AM

Great Tune! Very catchy. In my opinion I would love to hear some lead on the part you left open for a solo. That would be awesome. Also I like the ending but I might like it more if the song ended after the very last "take me by the hand" Just an opinion. I noticed you wrote "take me MY the hand" in your lyrics. I think just a typo? Again, Great song.

#6 User is offline   AudioProUK Icon

  • Contributing Muse
  • PipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 51
  • Joined: 26-December 10

Posted 15 April 2012 - 02:06 PM

You have`t given up your publishing rights to BMI inc have you ?

#7 User is offline   Madison Icon

  • Contributing Muse
  • PipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 59
  • Joined: 08-April 12
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:UK

Posted 15 April 2012 - 02:30 PM

Hey Charlie,

This is really good. You have a lovely voice and I loved the song. I liked the drum beat too. I have a set of drums myself, just need to learn to play them one day!

Good luck with this song, I could easily imagine listening to this on the radio and maybe I could grace your video lol (just kidding!) ;)

Annette

#8 User is offline   TamsNumber4 Icon

  • A Muse's Muse
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 1,435
  • Joined: 05-February 10
  • Gender:Not Telling
  • Location:New England

Posted 15 April 2012 - 02:32 PM

Charlie,

Very catchy and great song. I picked up on what Rick mentioned, I also feel like if "Understand" ended on a more powerful note, it would

keep the flow going, but that is just my opinion, other than that, this is a very good song.

Tammy
Visit my SoundClick site for songs

~Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time.~

Professor Albus Dumbledore: Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.

#9 User is offline   RobAsh15 Icon

  • Inspirational Muse
  • PipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 468
  • Joined: 13-October 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Florida
  • Interests:Music, books, movies, pugs, friends, my wife, my grand babies, good food, guitars, cars, motorcycles, flea markets, yard sales, alternative lifestyles.

Posted 15 April 2012 - 03:06 PM

Very cool tune.

Voc's need to come up, as has been said by others. but I also think they sound a bit hollow. Bring up the warmth and try to bring them into the same room as the instrumentation if you can. But the lyrics are catchy, the singing is great, and the song really has a lot of energy.

Looking forward to hearing a more finished version.

#10 User is offline   porcupine Icon

  • Inspirational Muse
  • PipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 458
  • Joined: 04-November 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Reading, Pa
  • Interests:Music, baseball, comedy, my wife and son

Posted 15 April 2012 - 06:51 PM

Ironknee:
Thanks for the kind words. I knew when we orginally recorded it, it was a quick mix and the vox were down. If you find a "cutie"....LOL

Rick:
I agree with the word understand...I have an idea to go up there and change the harmony. Good job noticing that, appreciate it.

ScenesFromPalacio: thanks for the compliment on the edgy vibe. this is a hard as I get...LOL, still put the porcupine hook in there somewhere..'sweet Laura' chorus bits, yeah, we'll see how the new producer runs this one. Gonna be interesting.

Onewholovesrock: Yeah the "lead" may be added. Somehow alot of modern heavy music doesnt have a traditional "solo" in it, so Im not sure what is gonna happen there. "take me MY the hand" was a typo..lol

AudioProUK: NOPE. Havent signed anything yet. Im suspecting that the publisher may ask for it.

Madison: Thank you for the compliments, espectially on my voice. Its the thing Im most self-conscious about. You'll be the first I call for the Video ;)

TamsNumber4: Working on the "understand" part". Thanks again for the listen and the compliments

RobAsh15: This was recorded direct to digital. We normally record through 2" then drop it in saw studio, that'll be the next leg, so I agree with the "hollow sound"Thanks for the comment on my vocals. I ve heard alot of your stuff, it really a compliment to hear it from you. You got some good stuff.

Thanks Everyone!
porcupine
#1 song on Onstage.com's Holiday Playlist in Nov 2011 "Could This Be Christmas"
#5 song on Onstage.com's Open for Bon Jovi in May of 2010 "Turn It Down"
recorded and produced songs with several grammy winners and nominees
songs writen have been recorded by The Standard, Wooden Nickel, Jody Stapler and Prototype
see more of my music at charlieeschbach.com

#11 User is offline   AudioProUK Icon

  • Contributing Muse
  • PipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 51
  • Joined: 26-December 10

Posted 15 April 2012 - 08:04 PM

View Postporcupine, on 15 April 2012 - 06:51 PM, said:

Ironknee:
Thanks for the kind words. I knew when we orginally recorded it, it was a quick mix and the vox were down. If you find a "cutie"....LOL

Rick:
I agree with the word understand...I have an idea to go up there and change the harmony. Good job noticing that, appreciate it.

ScenesFromPalacio: thanks for the compliment on the edgy vibe. this is a hard as I get...LOL, still put the porcupine hook in there somewhere..'sweet Laura' chorus bits, yeah, we'll see how the new producer runs this one. Gonna be interesting.

Onewholovesrock: Yeah the "lead" may be added. Somehow alot of modern heavy music doesnt have a traditional "solo" in it, so Im not sure what is gonna happen there. "take me MY the hand" was a typo..lol

AudioProUK: NOPE. Havent signed anything yet. Im suspecting that the publisher may ask for it.

Madison: Thank you for the compliments, espectially on my voice. Its the thing Im most self-conscious about. You'll be the first I call for the Video ;)

TamsNumber4: Working on the "understand" part". Thanks again for the listen and the compliments

RobAsh15: This was recorded direct to digital. We normally record through 2" then drop it in saw studio, that'll be the next leg, so I agree with the "hollow sound"Thanks for the comment on my vocals. I ve heard alot of your stuff, it really a compliment to hear it from you. You got some good stuff.

Thanks Everyone!
porcupine



Hey ,
Yeah they will def want the 50% publishing share , and the artist will take around 30% unless you can get them to do it for a flat fee, just make sure it`s worth it ! You have a great song there , look into self publishing before giving it all away ! I`ve had some pretty bad experiences with people getting hammered with big publishing companies when i ran my studio. Just err on the side of caution bro

Good luck with it mate
Dave

#12 User is offline   Roger Icon

  • Active Muse
  • PipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 160
  • Joined: 13-June 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Nashville, TN

Posted 15 April 2012 - 08:47 PM

Quote

Hey ,
Yeah they will def want the 50% publishing share , and the artist will take around 30% unless you can get them to do it for a flat fee, just make sure it`s worth it ! You have a great song there , look into self publishing before giving it all away ! I`ve had some pretty bad experiences with people getting hammered with big publishing companies when i ran my studio. Just err on the side of caution bro


I'm trying to decipher what was meant here, but it doesn't make sense to me. BMI is a performing rights organization, not a publisher, and they don't "want" 50% publishing on anything. All BMI does is collect the performance royalties for both the songwriter and publisher share of songs that earn them. As for an artist taking "around 30%", again I'm not sure what you mean - having done this for a living since 1985, I've never had any artist who has recorded my songs take anything.
If you sign a deal with a company to publish your songs as an exclusive writer, or if you sign a single-song contract, then yes they take the publisher share in return for handling the administration, collecting & paying you the mechanical royalties, probably paying for demos, pitching the song(s), etc. Being self-published is certainly an option and many writers are, but there are limitations and drawbacks to doing so, just as there are for being a staff writer for a publisher.

#13 User is offline   AudioProUK Icon

  • Contributing Muse
  • PipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 51
  • Joined: 26-December 10

Posted 15 April 2012 - 09:44 PM

View PostRoger, on 15 April 2012 - 08:47 PM, said:

Quote

Hey ,
Yeah they will def want the 50% publishing share , and the artist will take around 30% unless you can get them to do it for a flat fee, just make sure it`s worth it ! You have a great song there , look into self publishing before giving it all away ! I`ve had some pretty bad experiences with people getting hammered with big publishing companies when i ran my studio. Just err on the side of caution bro


I'm trying to decipher what was meant here, but it doesn't make sense to me. BMI is a performing rights organization, not a publisher, and they don't "want" 50% publishing on anything. All BMI does is collect the performance royalties for both the songwriter and publisher share of songs that earn them. As for an artist taking "around 30%", again I'm not sure what you mean - having done this for a living since 1985, I've never had any artist who has recorded my songs take anything.
If you sign a deal with a company to publish your songs as an exclusive writer, or if you sign a single-song contract, then yes they take the publisher share in return for handling the administration, collecting & paying you the mechanical royalties, probably paying for demos, pitching the song(s), etc. Being self-published is certainly an option and many writers are, but there are limitations and drawbacks to doing so, just as there are for being a staff writer for a publisher.


Yeah thats why I said to check it out well . If BMI isnt a publishing company then they wont take anything unless they charges fee for their services . I dont know BMI personally i`m in the UK and havent looked into them fully.

Porcupine . Legally a song is split in 2 , no matter what . 50% writers share , 50% publishing share. If you choose to use a publishing company then they will take the publishing share and you will keep the writting share. Its jut the way it is. I wasnt trying to stir anything up , just mainly advising you to really look after the song as its great ! There are benefits to self publishing i.e. you keep 100% of the royalties , but you will need to promote and distribute the song yourself . Sorry if i spoke out of turn .

Anyway sorry to go off topic.

#14 User is offline   Jason Kalman Icon

  • A Muse's Muse
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 821
  • Joined: 22-April 10
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Minot, North Dakota, USA
  • Interests:Music

Posted 16 April 2012 - 05:43 AM

Porc,
I thought this was another solid track. I loved the vibe, fun and rockin! Had a late 70s early 80s sound....like My Sharona by The Knack. Just a couple of things I felt could be addressed. Melodically, I thought the song was a bit choppy. The melodic lines could be fleshed out a little bit more in spots. I did like the chorus a lot. From the production side, you are so solid, no issues whatsoever.
Great Job!
Jay
http://www.kalmanmus...

I have no idea where I'm going and it feels spectacular!

#15 User is offline   R-N-R Jim Icon

  • A Muse's Muse
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 609
  • Joined: 10-May 01
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Fox Valley,Wisconsin
  • Interests:Songwriting, arranging and recording and on occasion performing.

Posted 16 April 2012 - 05:45 PM

View Postporcupine, on 14 April 2012 - 04:59 PM, said:

Hey all,

Got a chance to record another song. Looking for ideas before re-recording. Lyrics/sturcture...anything. The vocals are a little low in the mix. This will be re-recorded a bit heavier, so just keep that in mind.
There's a section for a solo (not sure if we'll put one in)

sweet laura

Sweet Laura
Charlie Eschbach, BMI 2011

Didn't mean to shoot you down, these things I gotta do Maybe "let you down" ..sings better? and you seem tongue tied singing "these things"
don't need you hanging round but not to say that we're through I think at this tempo, these lines seem to mush out an are not understandable.
she thinks that she can tell if we've been on the sly Same here with "she thinks that she needs" is a mouth full to spit out at this tempo.
jealousy's sweet tounge voice has got her asking why

can't she see, you mean nothing to me
or so I say...

Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
would you think she'd understand
Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
No No No
Sweet Laura don't take me my the hand The chorus is catchy.

Didn't mean to put you out, the things I gotta do
Don't know what you're about or what you're going through
she thinks that she can tell if we've been on the sly
Jealousy's sweet tounge voice has got her asking why

can't she see, you mean nothing to me
or so I say...

Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
would you think she'd understand
Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
No No No
Sweet Laura don't take me my the hand

Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
would you think she'd understand
Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
No No No
Sweet Laura No, don't take me my the hand
Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura
Sweet Laura

Ending could have been chopped by 30 seconds.
Hi Porcupine

The melody and arranging were really good here. The lyrics subject wise was okay and didn't take away from the song. But the choice of words for the verses made the phrasing difficult to make out in the song. Again, I listen to songs first before I even read the lyrics as to give it the radio test and my ears couldn't make out the verses due to the words being sung at the tempo they were sung at. As a test, maybe have one of your music buddies sing along with the song and see how hard the verses are to articulate at this tempo.

just my two cents worth
R-N-R Jim
"Its all about taking the easy way out for you, I suppose" -elliot smith


To listen to songs I have written and recorded, go to these links:

https://soundcloud.com/tad-strange

https://soundclick.com/jimcanrock



link below is an honorable mention from a national songwriting contest that I entered the song "Baby" that I wrote with the help of singnpeach on vocals and a couple lines for the lyrics she added. Not bad for a muse collaboration.

http://www.songofthe...JamesUpham.html

#16 User is offline   Wolf Kier Icon

  • Inspirational Muse
  • PipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 494
  • Joined: 19-April 12
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Iceland

Posted 20 April 2012 - 09:20 PM

ok, let's see, song number 3 of yours.
Delighted to hear such a lovely production. Came to this party late so there's nothing much I can add to the panel of judges above,

For my part, I'd think about some lyrics in the change section.... something saucy/provocative "here she comes, I sweat at night, The girl's too much".... crap like that... to build up some excitement and exploit the ascending scale there before POW back into that really big catchy hook of a chorus....

anyway, I'm a fan.

wolf.

#17 User is offline   Scotto Icon

  • A Muse's Muse
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 1,160
  • Joined: 03-February 11
  • Gender:Male

Posted 20 April 2012 - 11:48 PM

This is very good. As always a very nicely produced song. Vocal up a touch in the verses a little maybe. I thought this rocked...

#18 User is offline   porcupine Icon

  • Inspirational Muse
  • PipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 458
  • Joined: 04-November 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Reading, Pa
  • Interests:Music, baseball, comedy, my wife and son

Posted 25 April 2012 - 03:03 PM

Scotto! Thanks for the kind words!

Wolf!
Tanks for the advice, Im looking into slightly different lyrics anyway...Thanks for the compliment!

RNR JIM: We seem to hear alot of the same things. I definately agree on 99.99% of what you said. Im working on revamping the lyrics to make it clearer and easier to sing, Its amazing what we learn over the years. you 2 cents is well worth 5

Jason!
Thanks for the compliment on the production. The drummer was great to work with on that song, a real pro and he hit them hard, got great gain and tone man! dig it! I have a feeling the melody and lyrics will be changed a bit to fit better, so I do hear ya! thanks Jason

Porcupine
#1 song on Onstage.com's Holiday Playlist in Nov 2011 "Could This Be Christmas"
#5 song on Onstage.com's Open for Bon Jovi in May of 2010 "Turn It Down"
recorded and produced songs with several grammy winners and nominees
songs writen have been recorded by The Standard, Wooden Nickel, Jody Stapler and Prototype
see more of my music at charlieeschbach.com

Page 1 of 1

1 User(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users