Muse's Muse Songwriting Message Board: Grey Owl's Feather - Muse's Muse Songwriting Message Board

Jump to content

Forum Rules

>Please use the “Forum Guidelines” link at the top of the screen to read General Policies.
>Remember that these songs are only going to be kept up here a maximum of 30 days. Keep a backup of your work.

Rules for Posting a Song:
1) Please critique 2 or more songs for every song you post.
2) Please post only one song per day.
3) Please keep it tasteful i.e. no overt sexuality or obscene, offensive language, etc.
4) Please indicate the intended genre below the title of your song, and also what kind of a critique you're after. Is this a song that you'll be promoting commercially? Is it a song you wrote simply because you wanted to and you'd like to make it better? The more info people have, the better they'll be able to give you the kind of feedback you're after. And please PLEASE note - if you're not really after critique at all, don't post here. The Artist's Cafe is happy to hear your completed songs. This is the place to post if you want honest feedback and are prepared to take what is given (what you do with it, is of course, up to you).
5) Please post the lyrics along with the clickable link to your song's music.
6) Only post songs you have written or have permission to post. Please don't post cover songs.
7) It is polite to acknowledge critiques, but please don’t overdo it by “bumping” your thread to the top too frequently.
8) If you revise the song, please give a date and post on the same thread, or folks will unknowingly still comment on the old one.
9) Please be sure to visit other areas of the board to both learn and spread your knowledge.

Rules for Critiquing a Song:
1) The purpose of this forum is to promote better song writing by providing encouragement and constructive feedback focused on improvement. Strive to be courteous and respectful in your critiques, keeping in mind that we all come to this forum with different perspectives, genre preferences and levels of experience.
2) Offer constructive criticism and suggestions you think may help the writer make the most of his or her vision of where they want to go with their song.
3) If you think something really works, say so. Make an attempt to say why you think it does. If you see areas you think could be improved, explain why you believe they need improvement and offer suggestions, if you have any.

Anonymity often helps us forget that there is a person at the other end of our critique. Imagine, if you can, that you are speaking to the writer face to face.

Thanks!
Page 1 of 1

Grey Owl's Feather original acoustic

#1 User is offline   lcjones Icon

  • Active Muse
  • PipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 130
  • Joined: 11-October 05
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Caintucky

Posted 12 April 2012 - 08:24 AM

Wrote and posted this song a few years ago. Some may remember this. I'm revisiting the tune to add in to rotation. Would like your thoughts.

Grey Owls Feather

Grey Owl's Feather

[Verse 1]
Wah-Sha-Quon-Asin meandering free
Living dream of a wandering tree
Watching beaver in Saskatchewan
Crossing lakes in the setting sun

[Verse 2]
Follow paths that have never been known
On a trail that no man owns
Grey Owl listen to the Indian song
Whispers of the land where you belong

[Chorus]
Grey Owl's feather fell without a sound
Drifting down
Resting on the ground

<short melodic break>

[Verse 3]
Anahareo daughter of the land
Hearts grow stronger where the big pines stand
She fell in love with Grey Owl's sins
Found her devil in old deerskins

[Verse 4]
Ojibwe brother, Hiawatha child
Loving is the nature of living in the wild
Giving your hearts when you take the chance
To feel the rhythm of an Indian dance

[Chorus]

[Verse 5]
Trading his traps for a fountain pen
Grey Owl made the world believe again
From the sleepy waters of the Ajawaan
To the Dover Cliffs he wrote his song

[Verse 6]
Grey Owl flies where no others dare
On the breath of Mother Natures air
Wings are spread for the open flight
Grey Owl is he - who flies by night


**
Chap

#2 User is offline   AudioProUK Icon

  • Contributing Muse
  • PipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 51
  • Joined: 26-December 10

Posted 12 April 2012 - 11:09 AM

Hi ,
I love the sound of this but its all a little bit spaced out in my opinion . When the chorus comes its doesnt really make an impact . I think you could drop a good minute off of this and it would still be a good song. The just seems to be a lot of "instrumental" in this .

Just my 2 cents
Dave

#3 User is offline   Desertrose Icon

  • A Muse's Muse
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 1,272
  • Joined: 14-January 02
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Sydney Australia
  • Interests:The intriguingly beautifully strange.
    Photography,videography,writing, creating things, anything...camping,being out in nature,people watching,sitting under the full moon and pondering all of life's questions and then asking more.

Posted 12 April 2012 - 04:32 PM

Such beautiful guitar playing, nice vocals too along with some really lovely visual lyrics.
The kind of song I'd have playing in the car whilst driving through scenic country side. (has that "travelling" feel?)
In that instance the length wouldn't matter at all, but sitting in an audience the length of concentration might be just a bit shorter than what the song is now, perhaps.

#4 User is offline   DannyDep Icon

  • A Muse's Muse
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 1,391
  • Joined: 11-November 03
  • Location:Tampa, FL. USA
  • Interests:To make a difference and in the general realm of things, to enjoy life.

Posted 12 April 2012 - 09:26 PM

Hi Chap,
Nice song. :)
Loved the lines,
Follow paths that have never been known
On a trail that no man owns


as well as all of verse 4.

I liked your phrasing of the ends of the verses in holding those notes out.
I would have liked just a bit more reverb on those notes to add a bit more depth of emotion. :rolleyes:

I’ll admit that it would have been nice to know a little background into the characters you bring up in the song. Especially in starting out the song with Wah-Sha-Quon-Asin. :unsure:
Maybe you could enlighten us on some of these folks?

I enjoyed listening.
Thanks for posting. :)
"The quality of life,
can only be measured by
the integrity of yourself and the friends
that take the trip with you."

Here are two of my friends,
Posted Image
here is my Soundclick page,
Soundclick webpage
here is my Facebook page,
Facebook webpate
and here is the rest.
My homepage.

#5 User is offline   lcjones Icon

  • Active Muse
  • PipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 130
  • Joined: 11-October 05
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Caintucky

Posted 12 April 2012 - 11:24 PM

Thank you folks. Kindly!

I am addressing the length and working on some better chord phrasing. I realize it is quite long and will shorten it slightly.

When I posted the lyric/song I did not want to write the story of the song. I wanted it to stand alone and without a narrative influence. But I am glad DannyDepp asked. The song is based on the movie "Grey Owl" and the two main characters, Archie Belaney (Grey Owl/Wah-Sha-Quan-Asin) & Pony (Anahareo). I wrote this after seeing the movie. I was so moved by the story. And it is a true story.

Thanks again.

Chap

#6 User is offline   CapM Icon

  • Inspirational Muse
  • PipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 327
  • Joined: 09-December 11
  • Gender:Male

Posted 13 April 2012 - 05:38 AM

Just want to pipe in and say that this is really good! I agree with the comments above about it being drawn out. I like the additional guitar phrasings, but it is used too much between the lines in the verses. But definitely keep that phrasing as a bridge or something going in to the chorus. I was a tad focused on the Indian names - we have the benefit of reading the lyrics, but without those I wonder if too much attention from the listener would be drawn to figuring out what was sung. Perhaps a line at the beginning could be worked in that alludes to what the narrative is about, which might clear that up and free the listener to put your great lyrics into the right context. Anyhow, VERY well played and sung!

#7 User is offline   inga_a Icon

  • Muse In Training
  • Pip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 11
  • Joined: 12-April 12
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:UK
  • Interests:www.INFOWARS.com. alex jones. its the number one internet radio show listened to and i know why. long time listener. also youtube: abraham-hicks.
    if you want to locate me first search all the jails.
    there you go that should be enough.

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:43 AM

View Postlcjones, on 12 April 2012 - 01:24 PM, said:

Wrote and posted this song a few years ago. Some may remember this. I'm revisiting the tune to add in to rotation. Would like your thoughts.

Grey Owls Feather

Grey Owl's Feather

= (suggest changes to song are)


Verse 1]
Wah-Sha-Quon-Asin meandering free = ( wah-sha-quon-asin wanders free )
Living dream of a wandering tree = ( living dream of wandering tree )
Watching beaver in Saskatchewan
Crossing lakes in the setting sun = ( crossing lakes during setting sun) or ( crossing lakes in setting sun )

[Verse 2]
Follow paths that have never been known = ( follows paths not known )
On a trail that no man owns = ( trails no man owns )
Grey Owl listen to the Indian song = ( grey owl listens to indian song )
Whispers of the land where you belong = ( whispers of the land ) or ( whispers of land )

[Chorus]
Grey Owl's feather fell without a sound = ( grey owls feather fell without sound ) or ( feather fell without sound )
Drifting down = ( drifting down, down, down ) or ( floating down down down )
Resting on the ground = ( resting on ground ) or ( resting still on ground )

<short melodic break>

[Verse 3]
Anahareo daughter of the land
Hearts grow stronger where the big pines stand = ( hearts grow stronger where big pine stand )
She fell in love with Grey Owl's sins
Found her devil in old deerskins

[Verse 4]
Ojibwe brother, Hiawatha child
Loving is the nature of living in the wild = ( loving nature living wild )
Giving your hearts when you take the chance = ( giving heart when you take chance )
To feel the rhythm of an Indian dance = ( feel rhythm of indian dance )

[Chorus]

[Verse 5]
Trading his traps for a fountain pen = ( trading traps for fountain pen )
Grey Owl made the world believe again = ( grey owl made world believe )
From the sleepy waters of the Ajawaan = ( from sleepy water of ajawaan )
To the Dover Cliffs he wrote his song = ( to dover cliffs he wrote song )

[Verse 6]
Grey Owl flies where no others dare = ( grey owl flies where no other dare ) or = ( grey owl fies where none dare )
On the breath of Mother Natures air = ( on breathe of mother natures air ) or = ( on breathe of mother air )
Wings are spread for the open flight = ( wings spread for flight ) or = ( wing spread flight )
Grey Owl is he - who flies by night = ( grey owl flies by night )


**
Chap comment about song - you have a lovely song. an interesting soul. -

Forged Signature X

#8 User is offline   lcjones Icon

  • Active Muse
  • PipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 130
  • Joined: 11-October 05
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Caintucky

Posted 13 April 2012 - 02:15 PM

That's a lot of work you did there inga_a. I appreciate the time you spent doing this. What was your motivation to go to such lengths?

**
Chap

#9 User is offline   ScenesFromPalacio Icon

  • A Muse's Muse
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 1,362
  • Joined: 01-April 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Birmingham UK
  • Interests:Living in my mythic song dreamworld as much as possible..

Posted 13 April 2012 - 03:35 PM

Its a really classy intuitive country flavoured tune with a lovely sense of space n serenity - Could easily picture this in one of those 70s movies as the hero's driving cross-country -and the suns rising on the freeway.
I like the move you do changing the chords in the middle of the verse 'watching beaver'.It was unexpected for country -but a good suprise..
The song reminds me of Neil Young in the 70s which is great by me..
Sounds like an alt tuning your working with..
Love your voice -the minimal way you've done it with just vocal n a couple of acoustics-Really suits the mood n vibe of the song
Nice one
Just seen the comments about it being too drawn out..I disagree.I think its got a great sense of space as you've done it..

#10 User is offline   inga_a Icon

  • Muse In Training
  • Pip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 11
  • Joined: 12-April 12
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:UK
  • Interests:www.INFOWARS.com. alex jones. its the number one internet radio show listened to and i know why. long time listener. also youtube: abraham-hicks.
    if you want to locate me first search all the jails.
    there you go that should be enough.

Posted 13 April 2012 - 04:54 PM

View Postlcjones, on 13 April 2012 - 07:15 PM, said:

That's a lot of work you did there inga_a. I appreciate the time you spent doing this. What was your motivation to go to such lengths?

**
Chap


its a nice song. you had put a lot of effort, thought and love into it. just here and there it needed a small change, so my eyes thought.
Forged Signature X

#11 User is offline   lcjones Icon

  • Active Muse
  • PipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 130
  • Joined: 11-October 05
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Caintucky

Posted 14 April 2012 - 08:52 AM

Thank you all for the positive thoughts and suggestions.

Appreciate it very much!

Chap

#12 User is offline   inga_a Icon

  • Muse In Training
  • Pip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 11
  • Joined: 12-April 12
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:UK
  • Interests:www.INFOWARS.com. alex jones. its the number one internet radio show listened to and i know why. long time listener. also youtube: abraham-hicks.
    if you want to locate me first search all the jails.
    there you go that should be enough.

Posted 14 April 2012 - 09:18 AM

View Postlcjones, on 14 April 2012 - 01:52 PM, said:

Thank you all for the positive thoughts and suggestions.

Appreciate it very much!

Chap


i would do more if i was fully let loose on it. that was only a first time look at it. you want me to give it a go? for fun.
Forged Signature X

#13 User is offline   TamsNumber4 Icon

  • A Muse's Muse
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 1,435
  • Joined: 05-February 10
  • Gender:Not Telling
  • Location:New England

Posted 14 April 2012 - 10:46 PM

Love the melody and guitar playing, very dreamy, nearing a John Denver type song.

I enjoyed the lyric being grammatically correct and think it works best that way, but that is just my opinion.

Very nice, thanks for sharing!

Tammy
Visit my SoundClick site for songs

~Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time.~

Professor Albus Dumbledore: Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.

#14 User is offline   gerrybhoy Icon

  • Active Muse
  • PipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 133
  • Joined: 09-September 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Edinburgh, Scotland

Posted 19 April 2012 - 05:41 PM

I enjoyed your sound and in particular the delivery, not much to add to the comments already written except there is a binding in the story that is not there for this listener, some phrase that wraps up what the tale is about, beautiful imagery and lovely characters, all of this said you can certainly deliver a song. I enjoyed the pace and place you took me to but it would have been nice to know why we were there.
singerysongwritery type individual a natural born weegieburger and lover of black country dogs

#15 User is offline   Wolf Kier Icon

  • Inspirational Muse
  • PipPipPipPip
  • Group: Members
  • Posts: 494
  • Joined: 19-April 12
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Iceland

Posted 20 April 2012 - 12:06 AM

Hi Chap,

This is my third post here. And I've been treated to some great music so far. This is no exception.

The guitars on this sound brilliant bright and the production is "huge" for an accoustic/vocal track.... lovely.

I agree with the ScenesFromPalacio comment about the 70s movie/Neil Young vibe here. This is made for tele-visuals. Not much I can add in the way of "make it better".

Looking forward to hearing more from you. Yes, indeed.

Bravo,

wolf.

Page 1 of 1

1 User(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users