Muse's Muse Songwriting Message Board: Best of Me - Muse's Muse Songwriting Message Board

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4) Please indicate the intended genre below the title of your song, and also what kind of a critique you're after. Is this a song that you'll be promoting commercially? Is it a song you wrote simply because you wanted to and you'd like to make it better? The more info people have, the better they'll be able to give you the kind of feedback you're after. And please PLEASE note - if you're not really after critique at all, don't post here. The Artist's Cafe is happy to hear your completed songs. This is the place to post if you want honest feedback and are prepared to take what is given (what you do with it, is of course, up to you).
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Rules for Critiquing a Song:
1) The purpose of this forum is to promote better song writing by providing encouragement and constructive feedback focused on improvement. Strive to be courteous and respectful in your critiques, keeping in mind that we all come to this forum with different perspectives, genre preferences and levels of experience.
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3) If you think something really works, say so. Make an attempt to say why you think it does. If you see areas you think could be improved, explain why you believe they need improvement and offer suggestions, if you have any.

Anonymity often helps us forget that there is a person at the other end of our critique. Imagine, if you can, that you are speaking to the writer face to face.

Thanks!
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Best of Me any crits welcome

#1 User is offline   porcupine Icon

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Posted 01 April 2012 - 12:57 PM

My link

Open to any crits. This song has a potential of being recorded by another artist. wanted to see if there was anything glaring we could change, willing to re-record lyrics and some instrumentation if the crits come up that way. we may simply use the tracks and a different vocal, not sure how its going to work out, but I'd like to have all the ideas on the table...CRIT AWAY!

Best of Me
Charlie Eschbach, BMI, © 2010


There's something in the way that I am feeling
Something new that makes me feel alive
Light shined through and found me a new reason
That there's nothing in this world that can take me oh so high

So take my hands, I wont need them
Take my eyes, for I can see
Take my Breath, for I'm not breathing
Your love's got the best of me

You made me see a life that needed mending
You make me want to be a better man
I'm now willing to make some sacrifices
to make you proud right by my side, for by your side I'll stand

So take my hands, I wont need them
Take my eyes, for I can see
Take my Breath, for I'm not breathing
Your love's got the best of me

I am ready to stand up tall, test my faith give my all
I am ready to understand what it takes to be your man
and I am

So take my hands, I wont need them
Take my eyes, for I can see
Take my Breath, for I'm not breathing
Your love's got the best of me
#1 song on Onstage.com's Holiday Playlist in Nov 2011 "Could This Be Christmas"
#5 song on Onstage.com's Open for Bon Jovi in May of 2010 "Turn It Down"
recorded and produced songs with several grammy winners and nominees
songs writen have been recorded by The Standard, Wooden Nickel, Jody Stapler and Prototype
see more of my music at charlieeschbach.com

#2 User is offline   Alistair S Icon

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Posted 01 April 2012 - 01:03 PM

Link's not working for me :(

Is the track "private"?
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"In my opinion this is a bunch of filth and garbage and we need far less this type of lyrics gettin back in the ears of our children." - from a critique received

"When I was 5 years old, my mum always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wante to be when I grew up. I wrote down, "Happy". The told me I didn't understand the assignment and I told them they didn't understand life." John Lennon.

#3 User is offline   porcupine Icon

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Posted 01 April 2012 - 01:05 PM

View PostAlistair S, on 01 April 2012 - 01:03 PM, said:

Link's not working for me :(

Is the track "private"?

fixed it. somethign was funky with soundcloud.
#1 song on Onstage.com's Holiday Playlist in Nov 2011 "Could This Be Christmas"
#5 song on Onstage.com's Open for Bon Jovi in May of 2010 "Turn It Down"
recorded and produced songs with several grammy winners and nominees
songs writen have been recorded by The Standard, Wooden Nickel, Jody Stapler and Prototype
see more of my music at charlieeschbach.com

#4 User is offline   Alistair S Icon

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Posted 01 April 2012 - 01:36 PM

Small lyrical nit..

"Light shined through and found me a new reason"

Should be "shone", but would be better in the present tense .. "light shines through and finds me a new reason" (partly because the rest of the verse is present tense and also for the internal rhyme/echo of shine/find).

Maybe consider dropping "Your" from the last line of the chorus?

Musically, it all sounds good. Vocally, I'd like it more up-front, but it will be re-recorded anyway.

One last thing.. "as I am"? Not sure. Maybe just repeat "Be your man"?

I think there are a few more words that could be dropped, but that will depend on how the vocalist feels.

It's kind of a retro song, and nicely done. Is that what you were going for?
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"In my opinion this is a bunch of filth and garbage and we need far less this type of lyrics gettin back in the ears of our children." - from a critique received

"When I was 5 years old, my mum always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wante to be when I grew up. I wrote down, "Happy". The told me I didn't understand the assignment and I told them they didn't understand life." John Lennon.

#5 User is offline   RickDieffenbach Icon

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Posted 02 April 2012 - 06:21 AM

No glaring errors that I can hear. Just a couple general comments.

I really like the chorus, melody and words.

I like the verse words.

The melody of the verses... and this is probably my own bias at work... the first three lines of each verse.. just feel like they are repeating the same melody. There's a small change at the end of each line, the majority of each line is the same. If it were a differt song style that would be ok - like hard rock.

Listening to the first two lines, it works, but when you come into the 3rd line, it's a "huh?" moment for me.

I feel like there should should be something to tease the listener just a touch in those first three lines of each verse. Doesn't have to be dramatic.

Rick

#6 User is offline   Moeno Icon

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Posted 05 April 2012 - 07:02 AM

A really nice song, I especially like the instrumentals. I wanted the chorus to have more impact though. It might just be me, but I always like the chorus to be big and powerful, and there wasn't much change in the tone of voice when entering the chorus. It didn't bother me that much, though. I can imagine myself cranking up the volume if this song played on the radio! Very well done.

#7 User is offline   kimberlyinnc Icon

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Posted 07 April 2012 - 01:35 PM

View Postporcupine, on 01 April 2012 - 01:57 PM, said:

My link

Open to any crits. This song has a potential of being recorded by another artist. wanted to see if there was anything glaring we could change, willing to re-record lyrics and some instrumentation if the crits come up that way. we may simply use the tracks and a different vocal, not sure how its going to work out, but I'd like to have all the ideas on the table...CRIT AWAY!

Best of Me
Charlie Eschbach, BMI, © 2010


There's something in the way that I am feeling
Something new that makes me feel alive
Light shined through and found me a new reason
That there's nothing in this world that can take me oh so high

So take my hands, I wont need them
Take my eyes, for I can see
Take my Breath, for I'm not breathing
Your love's got the best of me

You made me see a life that needed mending
You make me want to be a better man
I'm now willing to make some sacrifices
to make you proud right by my side, for by your side I'll stand

So take my hands, I wont need them
Take my eyes, for I can see
Take my Breath, for I'm not breathing
Your love's got the best of me

I am ready to stand up tall, test my faith give my all
I am ready to understand what it takes to be your man
and I am

So take my hands, I wont need them
Take my eyes, for I can see
Take my Breath, for I'm not breathing
Your love's got the best of me



I only heard the one thing I feel could be taken out. I wonder if on the last chorus you could sing the first last chorus with less music, to accentuate it then hit harder on the last one. Nice song Charles!!

Kim
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#8 User is offline   Kenneth Bradshaw Icon

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Posted 07 April 2012 - 11:17 PM

I am impressed. It is a well written and performed song. I believe it would belong as a track on any major album.

#9 User is offline   R-N-R Jim Icon

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Posted 09 April 2012 - 07:01 PM

Hi Porqupine

I found it too long of a song. Actually after the first chorus I felt the song just lost some steam.

What you did after the second verse and chorus, the bridge thing was what I thought was going to happen after the first verse/chorus. So, if you just cut out the second verse all together and do the bridge, then solo, then chorus and back to the way you ended it, that would do just fine. Plus it should shave about a minute off your time and really, if your going for radio, 4 minutes aint gonna fly. I didnt read the lyrics real close, but thought "breath" seemed un-natural when you sang it.

just my two cents worth.
R-N-R Jim
"Its all about taking the easy way out for you, I suppose" -elliot smith


To listen to songs I have written and recorded, go to these links:

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link below is an honorable mention from a national songwriting contest that I entered the song "Baby" that I wrote with the help of singnpeach on vocals and a couple lines for the lyrics she added. Not bad for a muse collaboration.

http://www.songofthe...JamesUpham.html

#10 User is offline   porcupine Icon

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Posted 12 April 2012 - 09:29 AM

RNR JIM:
I always thought that the song was a bit long. I actually have a second version with a very short solo, but they want to feature the guitar player in this project. Im going to bring that up at the meeting to see if that is a concern of theirs. Good input.

KENNETH: Thanks for the compliments!

KIM: If this song gets re-recorded and cut, Im sure there will be dynamic changes by how its played or interpreted. Ive had song before that turned out much different from others performing them, so its the nature of the beast.

MOENO: What odd about this song, I agree, the chorus stays similar in pitch, the harmonies were he only thing I added to make it stand out beside a little les paul action, but somehow they loved this one. Thanks for the crit!

RICK: Yeah, these guys that are recording it are harder rock and I know the producer well, so it'll change in instrumentation, Im sure. I do hear all the things you say too

ALISTAIR: you know, I caugght that error with shone/shine before, Amazed I didnt correct it TWICE!! There is an "retro-rock" thing thats happening around NJ/NY right now, Im sure thats why this song was chosen, the band is alot heavier than what this recording is, so Im sure it'll be producered in a different way. The orginal recording was a bit older.

Thanks everyone for the great insite. We'll see how it turns out!

Porcupine
#1 song on Onstage.com's Holiday Playlist in Nov 2011 "Could This Be Christmas"
#5 song on Onstage.com's Open for Bon Jovi in May of 2010 "Turn It Down"
recorded and produced songs with several grammy winners and nominees
songs writen have been recorded by The Standard, Wooden Nickel, Jody Stapler and Prototype
see more of my music at charlieeschbach.com

#11 User is offline   AudioProUK Icon

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Posted 12 April 2012 - 10:59 AM

Hey ,
Musically I really like this . The chorus is strong in every way. the only thing that lets it down for me is the melody in the verses . The chord structure is fine i just think that the melody is a bit "samey" all the way through it , but that may just be me , i dont read the other crits until i`ve posted mine . So for me just a bit of work on the verse melody would work wonders . LOVE the rotor organ in this !

Just my 2c
Dave

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