Muse's Muse Songwriting Message Board: Burn - Muse's Muse Songwriting Message Board

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>Remember that these songs are only going to be kept up here a maximum of 30 days. Keep a backup of your work.

Rules for Posting a Song:
1) Please critique 2 or more songs for every song you post.
2) Please post only one song per day.
3) Please keep it tasteful i.e. no overt sexuality or obscene, offensive language, etc.
4) Please indicate the intended genre below the title of your song, and also what kind of a critique you're after. Is this a song that you'll be promoting commercially? Is it a song you wrote simply because you wanted to and you'd like to make it better? The more info people have, the better they'll be able to give you the kind of feedback you're after. And please PLEASE note - if you're not really after critique at all, don't post here. The Artist's Cafe is happy to hear your completed songs. This is the place to post if you want honest feedback and are prepared to take what is given (what you do with it, is of course, up to you).
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Rules for Critiquing a Song:
1) The purpose of this forum is to promote better song writing by providing encouragement and constructive feedback focused on improvement. Strive to be courteous and respectful in your critiques, keeping in mind that we all come to this forum with different perspectives, genre preferences and levels of experience.
2) Offer constructive criticism and suggestions you think may help the writer make the most of his or her vision of where they want to go with their song.
3) If you think something really works, say so. Make an attempt to say why you think it does. If you see areas you think could be improved, explain why you believe they need improvement and offer suggestions, if you have any.

Anonymity often helps us forget that there is a person at the other end of our critique. Imagine, if you can, that you are speaking to the writer face to face.

Thanks!
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Burn

#1 User is offline   ryandsy Icon

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Posted 17 March 2012 - 09:55 PM

I tried to write a song people could dance to - one that would hopefully lend itself to a "poppy" arrangement with synths and strong bass parts. My 1st attempt at something not Adult Contemporary :P


Burn


I know you're bad for me - but I still wanna play
Cuz there's a devil inside of me that knows your name
It isn't good for me but I can't walk away
I'm in the mood for a tragedy, so baby won't you take...

Take it all
Take my heart, my emotion take my soul
Take it apart
Take my love, take me whole and don't you stop
Take it up
Baby take it to the top
And make it burn, baby burn so hot
Gimme what you've got

Every kiss - the fire on your lips
Every touch - light it up, the feeling of your skin
All the walls let them fall - let the fire eat it all
In the end, we're sinners once again
So baby let me in

I know you're bad for me - I know we can't be saved
Had our history poisoned with mistakes we made
I still burn for you, and I can't walk away
In the mood for a tragedy, so baby won't you take...

Take it all
Take my heart, my emotion take my soul
Take it apart
Take my love, take me whole and don't you stop
Take it up
Baby take it to the top
And make it burn, baby burn so hot
Gimme what you've got

Every kiss - the fire on your lips
Every touch - light it up, the feeling of your skin
All the walls let them fall - let the fire eat it all
In the end, we're sinners once again
So baby let me in

Make it burn, baby burn so hot - gimme what you've got

Every kiss - fire on your lips
Every touch - I feel it in my skin
Every wall - baby let it fall
In the end, we're sinners once again
So baby let me in

Let me in - let the tragedy begin
Make love in the fire and erase everything
Get lost in a blaze that will never, ever stop
And we'll burn baby burn so hot
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#2 User is offline   Zeek Icon

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Posted 18 March 2012 - 11:18 AM

REALLY dig this Ryan. I can hear the groove in that new floor pumping dance genre out now. Although Gimme What You Got is your hook. Don't get too cutesy with titles--people in this genre need simplicity. I'd tag Gimme a few times to drive it home.

Solid as usual.

Zeek

#3 User is offline   ScenesFromPalacio Icon

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Posted 18 March 2012 - 07:29 PM

Ryan..I agree with Zeek-this is strong n cunningly well-crafted for a modern kinda rnB pop song..You've got a really good,natural musicality..Could make alot of money if you're able to market songs like this to the right people..
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#4 User is offline   neuroron Icon

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Posted 18 March 2012 - 08:07 PM

This is really good, you managed to hold my attention the whole way and kept me moving with the music with just piano and voice - This would do just fine with the synths and bass, but a "modern rock" distorted guitar riff would be right at home - you maintain a very high standard - Excellent! Ron
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#5 User is offline   Ironknee Icon

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Posted 19 March 2012 - 01:51 PM

Hi Ryandsy.............I think this is a well crafted song, from start to finish. And you sing it with an emotionally fueled spirit.............but the song doesn't inspire that same emotion you are handing me. Perhaps, a clever and subtle arrangement will present this more powerfully.
Again.......solid writing!!
B) -Tom

#6 User is offline   Joan Icon

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Posted 19 March 2012 - 02:54 PM

The chorus almost sells the song, it's a really strong chorus so you're already on third base. But the verses are saying the same thing over and over: You're bad for me but I want in anyway. Why? Not why does he want in, because Duh, but why is she bad for him, in a couple of choice show-don't-tell terms. Also, is he bad for her? If yes, a later verse could start out saying so, and proceed to sketch out why, and why she should take him on anyway. This could actually be the theme song for The Bachelor.
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#7 User is offline   doinker Icon

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Posted 19 March 2012 - 04:33 PM

Hey Ryan,

I'm pretty sure I remember a few of your songs from a while back, and I'm always impressed by your talent. I dig this song and encourage you to keep working on your vocal delivery here ... I really love the throatiness and shouting type deal that you're doing here, but use it sparingly for emphasis ... it can get a bit forced in places. Check out something like All Apologies from Nirvana unplugged ... that guy could sing like a mother, but he had an incredible dynamic range. Almost like a great storyteller.
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#8 User is offline   daddio Icon

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Posted 19 March 2012 - 07:10 PM

Ryan, this is superb. I can hear in this in more than one arrangement. Definitely the dance floor sound you're going for but I can hear this behind a movie too. Tremendous passion and great delivery.
I love it.
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#9 User is offline   Jason Kalman Icon

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Posted 19 March 2012 - 10:44 PM

Ryan,
Clearly an inspired song and performance. Great vocals and piano playing. I can hear a killer band arrangement backing you. Great stuff.
cheers,
Jason
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#10 User is offline   Some guy in San Diego Icon

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Posted 20 March 2012 - 01:24 AM

Great song! I really dig the chord progression. The performance is great and you can tell that you've really internalized the song because the delivery comes across so natural. There's not really much I would suggest to change but in the spirit of trying to offer something constructive, I would say that in the chorus when you use "heart", "emotion", "soul", and "love", it feels maybe a little much of the "feeling" words. But really, even if you left those in, it's still works. Nice job!

#11 User is offline   ryandsy Icon

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Posted 20 March 2012 - 04:43 PM

Thanks for the input, guys!

Doinker - Yeah I thought I was maybe overdoing it with the voice as well lol

Joan - definitely will take what you said into consideration, although I wasn't really trying to make a story out of the song. It was intentionally vague, like most dance songs are lol... In fact, I'd probably simplify it a bit more and cut some words out :P

Zeek - I agree!

And errbody else - thanks so much for the kind words!!
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#12 User is offline   AdamAsh Icon

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Posted 20 March 2012 - 06:39 PM

This is well done piano and lyrics and vocals. Enjoyed listening to it. It reminded me more of a song in a theatre production than as a dance song. I also imagined it reworked as a duet where the man is convincing the woman who resists a bit, then gives in!
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#13 User is offline   Wolf Kier Icon

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Posted 20 April 2012 - 10:40 PM

Wanted to jump in and hear this one before it fell foul of the 30 day rule and disappeared....

wow, a beautifully crafted pop song.

Some very cool playing and a great sense of dynamics through the journey.

Glad I had a chance to hear it. No "improvements" from me. I'd love to hear this fully produced. Please take a minute and let me know if/when.

Bravo, I'm a fan!

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#14 User is offline   Scotto Icon

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Posted 20 April 2012 - 11:39 PM

Great song really. Very complex and modern. RNB and rock alternative ish all wrapped up. Hope to hear this fully recorded some day!
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