[Ironknee]

Hi everyone......I've got a new song, and would love some feedback with your first impressions. I want to polish this up a bit, and would appreciate any input. Thanks!!

"That Could've Been Me"
by Tom Tognaci

http://soundclick.co...cfm?id=11500275


V1
Well, I use to wonder
How it might have been
With a big ole house, four car garage,
more money than I could spend
Living like a king,
In a fantasy where I
would have everything…
Everything money could buy

V2
Well, I don’t know why
I let this build in me
I knew it was wrong, it wasn’t right,
and perhaps a bit crazy
Oh, but there he'd be,
Just some guy on a magazine,
But I’d feel the envy
Turning my blue eyes to green

CH1
That could’ve been me………
Walking with that pretty woman by my side
Looking like that guy whose fortune’s just arrived
Living the life that I have surely been denied
And I’m all torn inside
Cause that could’ve been me

V3
I spent the next ten years
struggling with it all
I had lost my job; then, all the rest,
when the markets took their fall
I couldn’t pay the rent,
and the wolves were at my door
I tossed my last cent
in a well wishing for more

V4
While the good Lord moves
in a strange and subtle way
I was stretched beyond the point where I
broke down and began to pray
That’s when I saw him there,
looking bent and out of place
I couldn’t help but stare,
as he tried to hide his face

CH2
Yea, that could’ve been me
Sitting on that corner with my face in hands
Living like some stray amongst the garbage cans
Looking just like some old man no one understands
I know God has his plans
And that could’ve been me

BR
Of all what would have been...
Of all what could have been...
And of all what should have been...
...That could’ve been me

V5
I stood frozen in the highlights
of his fate
As I felt an awful burden
lift up from me like a weight
I felt freed inside,
as I turned to walk away
But, I almost died
when I thought I heard him say…..

CH3
That could’ve been me
Looking like the kind of guy who’s got it all
The kind of guy that gets up after there’s a fall
Someone you can go to when you’re feeling small
And he’s there standing tall
And that could’ve been me

[AudioProUK]

Yeah I agree with David , the words and melody are great , the guitar playing is very good , could maybe do with a little polishing here and there but nothing really to worry about. I just pray that you can get this recorded properly because that`s the only thing letting this down at the moment . Great work !

[Andrew Wakefield]

I like this one a lot. There's always someone who's got it better...and there's always someone who's got it worse. Great lyrical dynamic. I think this one could be sold to Nashville for sure.


My 2¢

[Ironknee]

David@HoboSage.com, on 16 March 2012 - 09:45 AM, said:

I have nothing but praise for this, Tom. This is one of the better songs and performances I've heard in quite some time - anywhere. You are a fine songwriter, guitar player and singer. You should be really proud of this one. Kudos. Bravo!

Hey thanks David..........I really appreciate your comments. I was on edge with this style of songwriting. Your affirmation means alot!.....I think I'll try this again!
Thanks......... -Tom

[Ironknee]

AudioProUK, on 16 March 2012 - 10:03 AM, said:

Yeah I agree with David , the words and melody are great , the guitar playing is very good , could maybe do with a little polishing here and there but nothing really to worry about. I just pray that you can get this recorded properly because that`s the only thing letting this down at the moment . Great work !

Thanks AudioProUK...........I can do this up a little better. Just waiting for the dust to clear..then I'll do it again.
Thanks again!!! -Tom

[Ironknee]

Andrew Wakefield, on 16 March 2012 - 10:16 AM, said:

I like this one a lot. There's always someone who's got it better...and there's always someone who's got it worse. Great lyrical dynamic. I think this one could be sold to Nashville for sure.


My 2¢

How small of a gold piece would it be to fetch 2 cents??
Thank you so much for the affirmation. That really means alot!!!!! -Tom

[ScenesFromPalacio]

Its a strong countryish song Tom -and one of my top choices in the competition..Very well musically crafted -with a good flow..
Could really hear this opening up with a spacious production..

I think some of the lines as they work with the tune are plain bad tho -and really need changing..

For me 'everything 'mo-NEEE could buy' sounds wrong as does 'abit crayZEE'

and 'i'd feel THEEE enVEEEY'

Its not how you'd say those words naturally....The melody on the song is good -so i'd seriously think about changing those lines.They just sound clumbsy n forced with those emphasises

[Ironknee]

ScenesFromPalacio, on 18 March 2012 - 02:56 PM, said:

Its a strong countryish song Tom -and one of my top choices in the competition..Very well musically crafted -with a good flow..
Could really hear this opening up with a spacious production..

I think some of the lines as they work with the tune are plain bad tho -and really need changing..

For me 'everything 'mo-NEEE could buy' sounds wrong as does 'abit crayZEE'

and 'i'd feel THEEE enVEEEY'

Its not how you'd say those words naturally....The melody on the song is good -so i'd seriously think about changing those lines.They just sound clumbsy n forced with those emphasises

And it was pretty funny when Inspecter Clouseau (played by Steve Martin) was being tutored with English.....he just couldn't say "Hamburger"!!

Thanks Steve for your observations.....I value, in particular, the things I fail to see.
Thanks again............ -Tom

[ryandsy]

Hey man,

I really love your chorus man - and just the whole message of the song. You've got great verses as well, but I'd change a few things with the phrasing. This is just my preference, but I usually try to write the same way that I speak. In other words, if I can't recite a certain line of a song and make it sound normal while speaking, that's a sign for me to tweak it a little bit. For the most part, the choruses flow awesomely, but I'd pay attention to some of this line for example:


"Everything money could buy" - - - - - > maybe "everything that I could buy"?


Also, same thing with the lines: "and perhaps a bit crazy" and "But I’d feel the envy "


Besides these things, I really love your song brau!

[Ironknee]

ryandsy, on 18 March 2012 - 06:05 PM, said:

Hey man,

I really love your chorus man - and just the whole message of the song. You've got great verses as well, but I'd change a few things with the phrasing. This is just my preference, but I usually try to write the same way that I speak. In other words, if I can't recite a certain line of a song and make it sound normal while speaking, that's a sign for me to tweak it a little bit. For the most part, the choruses flow awesomely, but I'd pay attention to some of this line for example:


"Everything money could buy" - - - - - > maybe "everything that I could buy"?


Also, same thing with the lines: "and perhaps a bit crazy" and "But I’d feel the envy "


Besides these things, I really love your song brau!

Hi Ryandsy..........thanks for taking the time to listen and comment. I really do appreciate the candor.
-Tom

[doinker]

Hi Tom,

Just wanted to chime in on this one since I admired this song during the contest. I especially like your great vocal performance on the recording and ESPECIALLY the lyrics to this song. It's a very heartbreaking song ... not unlike your HBreaking February song comp entry (if I recall correctly). This sort of longing and musing on regret goes to the heart of the human condition.

I wanted to share this song Bluefinger (youtube) by Frank Black with you since the lyrics are so similar (and very different). Hope you dig it. Keep up the good work.

[dtrain1234]

I really like the melody on this one. A few lines in the chorus seem a bit forced. Good luck with this one.

Darin

[TamsNumber4]

Tom,

What an amazing lyric, I can't get over how well thought out it is.

Love to listen to you play guitar on this, I never say anything helpful, I'm just a hopeless fan of yours

with an i-pod that begs to hold your next song..........well done my friend.

Tammy

[Jason Kalman]

Tom,
Great folk song! Absolutely perfect blend of lyrics, melody, guitar arpeggiations and your voice. Loved the melodies throughout, good build towards chorus. Very clever lyrics.
Congrats on the 1+1 win. Now that I hear it again, I might have had you as my winner. I like it better the more I hear it. Funny how that is. The first time you hear a song, it doesn't always grab you, but after 3 listens I am hooked.
Cheers,
Jason

[Ironknee]

doinker, on 19 March 2012 - 03:03 PM, said:

Hi Tom,

Just wanted to chime in on this one since I admired this song during the contest. I especially like your great vocal performance on the recording and ESPECIALLY the lyrics to this song. It's a very heartbreaking song ... not unlike your HBreaking February song comp entry (if I recall correctly). This sort of longing and musing on regret goes to the heart of the human condition.

I wanted to share this song Bluefinger (youtube) by Frank Black with you since the lyrics are so similar (and very different). Hope you dig it. Keep up the good work.

Hi Doinker............I an so glad you liked it.....thanks for saying!!
As I really like the stuff you are doing, it's a pleasure to hear what you are always coming up with.
Thanks again!! -Tom

[Ironknee]

dtrain1234, on 19 March 2012 - 04:15 PM, said:

I really like the melody on this one. A few lines in the chorus seem a bit forced. Good luck with this one.

Darin

Hi Darin.....thanks for commenting.....It was a real rush getting this written...recorded...and posted. Yea..... the waaay I saanng some of the words felt very unnnatturral to some (I'm rather heartbroken, because that is how I say these words)

Thanks again..................... -Tom

[Ironknee]

TamsNumber4, on 19 March 2012 - 05:02 PM, said:

Tom,

What an amazing lyric, I can't get over how well thought out it is.

Love to listen to you play guitar on this, I never say anything helpful, I'm just a hopeless fan of yours

with an i-pod that begs to hold your next song..........well done my friend.

Tammy

Thanks Tams...........You are so encouraging...I look forward to your opinions. Thanks alot!!!!
-Tom

[Ironknee]

Jason Kalman, on 19 March 2012 - 05:05 PM, said:

Tom,
Great folk song! Absolutely perfect blend of lyrics, melody, guitar arpeggiations and your voice. Loved the melodies throughout, good build towards chorus. Very clever lyrics.
Congrats on the 1+1 win. Now that I hear it again, I might have had you as my winner. I like it better the more I hear it. Funny how that is. The first time you hear a song, it doesn't always grab you, but after 3 listens I am hooked.
Cheers,
Jason

Thanks Jason..........that's exactly how I felt with your song, "Razorblade". I hope you post it in the songs feedback, here. I've got some comments I would really like to share!
-Tom

[Jason Kalman]

Ironknee, on 21 March 2012 - 01:00 AM, said:

Jason Kalman, on 19 March 2012 - 05:05 PM, said:

Tom,
Great folk song! Absolutely perfect blend of lyrics, melody, guitar arpeggiations and your voice. Loved the melodies throughout, good build towards chorus. Very clever lyrics.
Congrats on the 1+1 win. Now that I hear it again, I might have had you as my winner. I like it better the more I hear it. Funny how that is. The first time you hear a song, it doesn't always grab you, but after 3 listens I am hooked.
Cheers,
Jason

Thanks Jason..........that's exactly how I felt with your song, "Razorblade". I hope you post it in the songs feedback, here. I've got some comments I would really like to share!
-Tom

Thanks tom, I should post Razorblade. I appreciate the positive feedback!
jason

[Ironknee]

Jason Kalman, on 21 March 2012 - 06:46 PM, said:

Ironknee, on 21 March 2012 - 01:00 AM, said:

Jason Kalman, on 19 March 2012 - 05:05 PM, said:

Tom,
Great folk song! Absolutely perfect blend of lyrics, melody, guitar arpeggiations and your voice. Loved the melodies throughout, good build towards chorus. Very clever lyrics.
Congrats on the 1+1 win. Now that I hear it again, I might have had you as my winner. I like it better the more I hear it. Funny how that is. The first time you hear a song, it doesn't always grab you, but after 3 listens I am hooked.
Cheers,
Jason

Thanks Jason..........that's exactly how I felt with your song, "Razorblade". I hope you post it in the songs feedback, here. I've got some comments I would really like to share!
-Tom

Thanks tom, I should post Razorblade. I appreciate the positive feedback!
jason

Yea...do that Jason......I'm having a hard time listening and commenting, right now....it's as though the wind in my sail has waned, a bit. But i will definetly make an exception for "Razorblade". -Tom

[Dottie]

Hi Tom,

I know I commented on this on JPF but I'm listening again and I wanted to tell you how much I like this song. You had my high vote again in the song contest this month!

Dottie

[daddio]

Nice vocal, guitar, and melody Tom. I think the best crit here is the one from ScenesFromPalacio. You have several lines that don't sound natural. The melody forces the accent onto the wrong syllable of a word like crazy. Those lines really jump out and offend the ear which is a shame because the song is so strong in most other parts. Every word that's sung should sound the same as it would be if spoken.
I remember this one from the comp and loved your vocal and melody then. If you can rewrite those lines, this is a winner, IMO.

[Ironknee]

Dottie, on 23 March 2012 - 03:22 AM, said:

Hi Tom,

I know I commented on this on JPF but I'm listening again and I wanted to tell you how much I like this song. You had my high vote again in the song contest this month!

Dottie

Thank you very much Dottie!! -Tom

[Ironknee]

daddio, on 23 March 2012 - 02:44 PM, said:

Nice vocal, guitar, and melody Tom. I think the best crit here is the one from ScenesFromPalacio. You have several lines that don't sound natural. The melody forces the accent onto the wrong syllable of a word like crazy. Those lines really jump out and offend the ear which is a shame because the song is so strong in most other parts. Every word that's sung should sound the same as it would be if spoken.
I remember this one from the comp and loved your vocal and melody then. If you can rewrite those lines, this is a winner, IMO.

I guess because it's mine.....I'm deaf on this. I have no doubt that you hear what you hear....but I've listened, and although I can annunciate and shape the words diffrently, I just don't hear the nails-on-the-chalk-board. But I sure thank you for taking the time and telling me how and what you're hearing. This is a matter that I will digest further.
Thanks again -Tom

[AdamAsh]

Just wanted to add my 2 cents on this one,it's gotten a lot of comments already, and it is a very good song. I liked verse 3 best, I just wonder if you could have gotten to it quicker, maybe with 1 verse instead of 2. The song pivots here and comes together to me it was as if I was listening to Bob Dylan. Nice work!

[Thinman]

I'm a terrible critter ! But I'll have a go.

I like this song - didn't set me on fire though. It's almost too perfect and too neatly realised and the narrator ends up getting on my nerves.

I do see why it is well-loved though - very nice delivery - a well deserved competition winner too.

I know I'm being hyper-critical here, but I found the story a little too "obvious" - everything was detailed in for me with no room for manoeuvre - or maybe I'm missing some of the subtler levels ?

Although I did like the "God has his plans" line - (man he's a weird planner !)

I never thought I 'd hear myself say this but I kept thinking the Chorus could be a pre-chorus and the "It could've been me !" line could be repeated and extended into a BIG chorus................to leave listener's singing "It could've been me.........." all day long

It could've been me
If fortune and fate treated me differently
Takin my place in history
The lucky old world that get's my legacy
It could've been me..............................
It could've been me..............................
It could've been me..............................

or some such................

Nice song though Tom - a pleasure to get beaten by it !

Robby

[Ironknee]

AdamAsh, on 25 March 2012 - 01:59 PM, said:

Just wanted to add my 2 cents on this one,it's gotten a lot of comments already, and it is a very good song. I liked verse 3 best, I just wonder if you could have gotten to it quicker, maybe with 1 verse instead of 2. The song pivots here and comes together to me it was as if I was listening to Bob Dylan. Nice work!

Thanks AdamAsh for having a listen and for commenting.
I'm going to need someone a lot smarter than I to be able to condense this while keeping all of the key elements and sentiments. I think time will provide me the insight needed to do this.........maybe!
Thanks again -Tom

[Ironknee]

Thinman, on 26 March 2012 - 01:27 AM, said:

I'm a terrible critter ! But I'll have a go.

I like this song - didn't set me on fire though. It's almost too perfect and too neatly realised and the narrator ends up getting on my nerves.

I do see why it is well-loved though - very nice delivery - a well deserved competition winner too.

I know I'm being hyper-critical here, but I found the story a little too "obvious" - everything was detailed in for me with no room for manoeuvre - or maybe I'm missing some of the subtler levels ?

Although I did like the "God has his plans" line - (man he's a weird planner !)

I never thought I 'd hear myself say this but I kept thinking the Chorus could be a pre-chorus and the "It could've been me !" line could be repeated and extended into a BIG chorus................to leave listener's singing "It could've been me.........." all day long

It could've been me
If fortune and fate treated me differently
Takin my place in history
The lucky old world that get's my legacy
It could've been me..............................
It could've been me..............................
It could've been me..............................

or some such................

Nice song though Tom - a pleasure to get beaten by it !

Robby

Hey there Thinman.......thanks for stopping by!!
I need time to clear the air on this one. I feel that I'm not finished with this, but don't really want to get back into this right away. Just looking for some thoughts, and will get back at this when the time is right.
Thanks again!!! -Tom

[RickDieffenbach]

Tom,

A story rich song, very enjoyable melody, and well executed as noted by so many others who posted comments. I'll just make a few comments.

1. The verse where you begin your lyrical turn around:

"While the good Lord moves
in a strange and subtle way
I was stretched beyond the point where I
broke down and began to pray
That’s when I saw HIM there,
looking bent and out of place
I couldn’t help but stare,
as he tried to hide HIS face"

... I took the verse as meaning him/his being God, but the follow-on verse clarified that you are talking about a man. Each time I listened to the song my mind, ever so briefly on the 2nd or 3rd listen, still took it as being God.

Or, maybe did you mean there was a man but he was actually God?

Instead of :
That’s when I saw HIM there,

Something like:
There was a man over there...

(One issue with having a verse that points to God, then withdrawing it, is that some people are highly sensitive to any words relating to God in a song.)


2. The line:
But I’d feel the envy

... I saw the comment from Scenes on "envy". I did hear an issue, but not what Scenes mentioned. The word "the" I thought should be dropped, and keep the melody of envy the same. It sounds like there is a rush of syllables at the end of that line that can be fixed by dropping the "the". This was the only line in the song I heard that happening.

As far as the melody of "envy", I think it adds a bit of punch to the end of the line, but isn't so much as to be overdone.

Crazy and money could by, to me, sound fine.

3. I know this is just a demo recording. When you go for real, there's lots of opportunities in the song for some subtle harmonizing I think.

4. The only other thought I had, and this is highly subjective artistic call etc, is that this is quite a rich story type song. I mean Harry Chapin type story-in-a-song. Really good stuff. (and here it comes...) But....

It is so lyric rich, I am wondering if the listener could benefit from dropping the very nicely done bridge, and replacing it with a brief instrumental. The benefit is a brief respite so the user can let the story soke in a bit, but also short enough that V4, CH2 "connects" more tightly with V5. The bridge isolates the two parts slightly. These kinda go together, and feel if we had a brief (emotional) instrumental, and then launch them direct into V5, it would really drive home the main twist in the story.

I may be totally off base here....


Liked the song much.

Rick

[Ironknee]

RickDieffenbach, on 16 April 2012 - 09:57 AM, said:

Tom,

A story rich song, very enjoyable melody, and well executed as noted by so many others who posted comments. I'll just make a few comments.

1. The verse where you begin your lyrical turn around:

"While the good Lord moves
in a strange and subtle way
I was stretched beyond the point where I
broke down and began to pray
That’s when I saw HIM there,
looking bent and out of place
I couldn’t help but stare,
as he tried to hide HIS face"

... I took the verse as meaning him/his being God, but the follow-on verse clarified that you are talking about a man. Each time I listened to the song my mind, ever so briefly on the 2nd or 3rd listen, still took it as being God.

Or, maybe did you mean there was a man but he was actually God?

Instead of :
That’s when I saw HIM there,

Something like:
There was a man over there...

(One issue with having a verse that points to God, then withdrawing it, is that some people are highly sensitive to any words relating to God in a song.)


2. The line:
But I’d feel the envy

... I saw the comment from Scenes on "envy". I did hear an issue, but not what Scenes mentioned. The word "the" I thought should be dropped, and keep the melody of envy the same. It sounds like there is a rush of syllables at the end of that line that can be fixed by dropping the "the". This was the only line in the song I heard that happening.

As far as the melody of "envy", I think it adds a bit of punch to the end of the line, but isn't so much as to be overdone.

Crazy and money could by, to me, sound fine.

3. I know this is just a demo recording. When you go for real, there's lots of opportunities in the song for some subtle harmonizing I think.

4. The only other thought I had, and this is highly subjective artistic call etc, is that this is quite a rich story type song. I mean Harry Chapin type story-in-a-song. Really good stuff. (and here it comes...) But....

It is so lyric rich, I am wondering if the listener could benefit from dropping the very nicely done bridge, and replacing it with a brief instrumental. The benefit is a brief respite so the user can let the story soke in a bit, but also short enough that V4, CH2 "connects" more tightly with V5. The bridge isolates the two parts slightly. These kinda go together, and feel if we had a brief (emotional) instrumental, and then launch them direct into V5, it would really drive home the main twist in the story.

I may be totally off base here....


Liked the song much.

Rick

H Rick....and thanks for commenting........I'm entertaining the word "jelousy", in place of "the envy". I also think that editing the bridge out of the song would be a good thing.
Thanks!! -Tom

[Wolf Kier]

Hi Tom,
Really enjoyed your folk/country picking song... some nice picking too.
A great moral tale told in a gentle assuring voice. A bunch of stuff to ponder, for many many folks these days.
The only thing I'd consider is another look at the first verse. I think the 4 car garage, girls, is just a little overstated, compared to the much more "poetic" insightful lyric later on which was (for me) so much more elegant. I know the character changes through the story, and the transition is one of the great things about this song, but perhaps another way of presenting his beginning aspirations....

a thought perhaps? Hope it helps.

Really enjoyed and looking forward to hearing more.

wolf.

[Ironknee]

Wolf Kier, on 19 April 2012 - 08:56 PM, said:

Hi Tom,
Really enjoyed your folk/country picking song... some nice picking too.
A great moral tale told in a gentle assuring voice. A bunch of stuff to ponder, for many many folks these days.
The only thing I'd consider is another look at the first verse. I think the 4 car garage, girls, is just a little overstated, compared to the much more "poetic" insightful lyric later on which was (for me) so much more elegant. I know the character changes through the story, and the transition is one of the great things about this song, but perhaps another way of presenting his beginning aspirations....

a thought perhaps? Hope it helps.

Really enjoyed and looking forward to hearing more.

wolf.

Hey There Wolf...................Iceland?? Wow......I spent many years in Alaska....Iceland even sounds colder

Hey..........thanks for commenting, and I'll ponder your crit. Thanks again!!! -Tom

[porcupine]

What a great song! I think it's a bit more in the americana/folk feel that country. Especial with knowing where the format of current country is. thats really my only crit is its catagory (aint that weird?!?!)

I love the storyline. Great work there. I dont think the story can improve. Some really good lyric lines : "But I’d feel the envy Turning my blue eyes to green" everythign overall great story.

Anyone say you have a Dylan-esc style of writing? Its very good loved the listen!

Porcupine

[Caladluin]

I really liked the song - esp. the way "that could've been me" was used with different perspectives and meanings each time. Enjoyed it alot!

[Ironknee]

porcupine, on 22 April 2012 - 06:30 AM, said:

What a great song! I think it's a bit more in the americana/folk feel that country. Especial with knowing where the format of current country is. thats really my only crit is its catagory (aint that weird?!?!)

I love the storyline. Great work there. I dont think the story can improve. Some really good lyric lines : "But I’d feel the envy Turning my blue eyes to green" everythign overall great story.

Anyone say you have a Dylan-esc style of writing? Its very good loved the listen!

Porcupine

Hey there Porc..........thanks for the gracious words........This song could be easily arranged into something more in the Pop genre, as well.....Country is just the vein I chose at the time. I do hear a nice piano rendition of this!
Thanks again for commenting.......... -Tom

[Ironknee]

Caladluin, on 22 April 2012 - 06:38 AM, said:

I really liked the song - esp. the way "that could've been me" was used with different perspectives and meanings each time. Enjoyed it alot!

Thanks Caladluin........soo glad you appreciate what I was attempting...and I appreciate your commenting! -Tom