Muse's Muse Songwriting Message Board: Hold Me Close - JLSC Entry - Muse's Muse Songwriting Message Board

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4) Please indicate the intended genre below the title of your song, and also what kind of a critique you're after. Is this a song that you'll be promoting commercially? Is it a song you wrote simply because you wanted to and you'd like to make it better? The more info people have, the better they'll be able to give you the kind of feedback you're after. And please PLEASE note - if you're not really after critique at all, don't post here. The Artist's Cafe is happy to hear your completed songs. This is the place to post if you want honest feedback and are prepared to take what is given (what you do with it, is of course, up to you).
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Rules for Critiquing a Song:
1) The purpose of this forum is to promote better song writing by providing encouragement and constructive feedback focused on improvement. Strive to be courteous and respectful in your critiques, keeping in mind that we all come to this forum with different perspectives, genre preferences and levels of experience.
2) Offer constructive criticism and suggestions you think may help the writer make the most of his or her vision of where they want to go with their song.
3) If you think something really works, say so. Make an attempt to say why you think it does. If you see areas you think could be improved, explain why you believe they need improvement and offer suggestions, if you have any.

Anonymity often helps us forget that there is a person at the other end of our critique. Imagine, if you can, that you are speaking to the writer face to face.

Thanks!
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Hold Me Close - JLSC Entry My entry into the JLSC

#1 User is offline   globalbeatsinc Icon

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Posted 15 January 2012 - 02:42 PM

Hello everyone. I didnt see an introduction forum so i'll introduce myself here. My name is Joel and i'm a songwriter from Jamaica. I have a song here that I entered into the John Lennon Song Writing (JLSC) competition. I entered what I had on the last day even though it wasn't finished.

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=VWEh_I_pBB8

Here are the lyrics

Hold Me Close


Verse1

walking down a lonely road
tryna find a way back home
im so lost will you please
come and find me

how could i have run this far
when i know i dont belong
my soul is broken i am in
so much pain

but i know you never left me
you were always by my side
even when i feel far away


Chorus

take
my hand
hold me close
dont you let me go
i,i need you
so will you
hold me close


Verse 2

look into my eyes youll see
everything you mean to me
and all the thoughts im hiding
deep in me

your love is like a hurricane
pouring with the wind and rain
you wash away my sins
and comfort me

but i know you never left me
you were always by my side
even when i feel far away


Chorus

take
my hand
hold me close
dont you let me go
i,i need you
so will you
hold me close


Bridge

i need you
in every way
so much more
everyday



Copyright Joel
All rights reserved

#2 User is offline   Neal K Icon

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Posted 15 January 2012 - 04:11 PM

Wow, this is outstanding. Sounds as good as anything on the radio. The lyric is average, really just a series of cliches strung together. But the sound of this production is out of this world. I'd love to hear what you could do with a deeper, more meaningful lyric.

Neal
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#3 User is offline   Zeek Icon

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Posted 15 January 2012 - 08:40 PM

Yeah outstanding production. Since you mentioned Jamaica I can hear more of a reggae twist in this that isn't there. It is like something you'd hear on the radio but like everything else out there. A little reggae twist might have made me notice it more. Even if it was just 1 breakdown part of the song. Too cliche of a lyric bogs it down. Nice work but need something.

Zeek

#4 User is offline   spanishbuddha Icon

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Posted 16 January 2012 - 12:54 PM

Joel

This is great. Finally, I'm hearing or reading stuff I can picture on top 40 airwaves. The music, melody and vocals really support the lyric which is very generic but wow! It packs a punch. I could picture Beyonce or Rihanna belting this one out. Thanks for sharing it with us.

Carl

#5 User is offline   globalbeatsinc Icon

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Posted 16 January 2012 - 05:30 PM

Thanks a lot for all your kind comments !!! I really appreciate it

#6 User is offline   straynote Icon

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Posted 16 January 2012 - 09:08 PM

Great job. It's not my style, but I won't deny your talent. Songwriter - not sure about that - performer, probably. You should know though that just singing alone is a tough field. To sum, I'd say it was way above what I'm used to hearing.

#7 User is offline   I Am Who I Am Icon

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Posted 17 January 2012 - 05:09 AM

I responded at the "other place" ;)




I'll copy and paste what I wrote over there, below:




----------------------------------------------------------------------




*nice sound in the beginning

*not sure if I care for those hand claps or not, but that's just me

*she's a perfect fitting voice for this.

*melody is nice so far

*Chorus is strong too...great work so far

*actually, those hand claps aren't so bad, maybe I would've like them to be left out in first verse, then introduced in the 2nd verse

*Harmonies are beautiful - I just LOVE harmonies, and counter-harmonies

*seemed to end a lil abrubtly...set the flute loose! Unleash the power of the flute! Let it play, let it get crazy! lol


Really nice song though, you did an excellent job, glad I listened, thank you for sharing.


Anything I critique, is simply my opinion(it NEVER means I'm right). And what do I know? Because it seems the more I know, the less I know anyway. :)

#8 User is offline   globalbeatsinc Icon

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Posted 17 January 2012 - 11:02 AM

Well thanks a lot people. That isn't me singing by the way. That's my partner in "crime" Alina. I have revised lyrics and all but I feel lyrics are best presented as a package complete with a great singer like Alina and a good backing track to really boost the overall value. I have had this song reviewed by many a industry professional ranging from all walks of life in Jamaica and abroad. They all are saying or have said what you all have said. This is how I know you all are pretty legitimate. I am so glad that I joined this site. I'm actually completing my studies at www.berkleemusic.com this summer so that's about 6 months time. I'll be getting my Master Certificate in Songwriting. The class i'm taking now is writing hit songs so you guys can watch me grow as a songwriter. Thanks again for the kind comments and the constructive criticism. You all are fantastic people !!!

#9 User is offline   DannyDep Icon

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Posted 17 January 2012 - 03:29 PM

Hi Joel,
This is really quite good.
For some reason, I'm hearing a little Savage Garden there.
I love the vocal phrasing and mood that gets created.
And appropriately it has a global beat, something emotionally entrancing definitely going on there. B)
Hey! Good luck with it. :)
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#10 User is offline   globalbeatsinc Icon

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Posted 17 January 2012 - 08:35 PM

View PostDannyDep, on 17 January 2012 - 03:29 PM, said:

Hi Joel,
This is really quite good.
For some reason, I'm hearing a little Savage Garden there.
I love the vocal phrasing and mood that gets created.
And appropriately it has a global beat, something emotionally entrancing definitely going on there. B)
Hey! Good luck with it. :)


Thank you Danny. Thanks a lot

#11 User is offline   globalbeatsinc Icon

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Posted 31 March 2012 - 09:37 AM

Hello everyone. Just letting you all know that I won the grand prize in the John Lennon songwriting competition. I am now in the runnings for the Lennon award. I would appreciate it if you guys could vote for me. Thank you
http://www.jlsc.com/vote.php

#12 User is offline   neuroron Icon

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Posted 31 March 2012 - 11:27 AM

View Postglobalbeatsinc, on 31 March 2012 - 09:37 AM, said:

Hello everyone. Just letting you all know that I won the grand prize in the John Lennon songwriting competition. I am now in the runnings for the Lennon award. I would appreciate it if you guys could vote for me. Thank you
http://www.jlsc.com/vote.php


Hey, congatulations!! I listened to this and think it is really good. I agree with you about lyrics being evaluated in the context of the music. I think most comments about the lyrics have to do with evaluation of the lyrics on papaer (or at least on acomputer screen). IMHO it is frankly impossible to render a valid assessment of lyrics like that. After listening to your song and seeing the comments about the lyrics above, I went back and looked at one the biggest hits of all time, crossing genres, "I will always love you (Dolly Parton, Whitney Houston) - If you look at those lyrics on paper and applied the usual lyric-critiquing mindset, it would probably be deemed a rubbish bag of cliches, but in the context of the song/performance, it does not SOUND like cliche. Great work and good luck on the next legs of the contest. - Ron
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Posted 31 March 2012 - 07:20 PM

Congrats, Joel! Your win is very well deserved.

I would normally be first in line to levy criticism against a lyric that was cliche or shallow. But, I could not disagree more about this lyric not being "deep" enough.

The most impressive thing about this song for me is, though it's a gospel/inspirational song, it's really a love song. This was obviously what you set out to do with this song, and you succeeded brilliantly. In fact, but for the line about washing away sin, I'd never think this was a song of "faith." I'm about as non-religious a person as you'll ever come across, but I can't help but love this song, and I believe that this can have a much wider appeal than just faith-based genres. But even more significantly, I think, is that feeling love for someone and feeling loved by that someone - REALLY feeling that - can't really be adequately expressed without sounding cliche, and this song express those feelings so very well, and, in my opinion, there is no higher "praise" a faith-based song could convey than those genuine feelings of love. This isn't some "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so" Sunday School nonsense. This a beautiful lyric of love set to beautiful music being sung by a beautiful voice. This a LOVE SONG.

Kudos all around, Joel. I'm voting for you.

:)
David

#14 User is offline   globalbeatsinc Icon

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Posted 31 March 2012 - 09:13 PM

wow thanks for those awesome comments guys. I <3 you lol

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Posted 01 April 2012 - 11:14 AM

Congratulations... Here's hoping it leads to something groovy.

#16 User is offline   90percentisallyouget Icon

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Posted 01 April 2012 - 06:38 PM

It sounds cliche to me no matter how good of a vocal performance there could be. Production is amazing.

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Posted 02 April 2012 - 03:58 AM

Very nice. Totally listenable.
There's something about the vocals I'm not liking. Not the vocalist, she's great! Something a little bit "processed" about the vocals. A slight effect? I don't know.
Anyway, there's no denying this is very well produced.
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