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"Shall We Dance" free verse

#1 User is offline   oxe57 Icon

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Posted 17 October 2011 - 03:31 PM

My goodness it's been awhile. Indepth analysis appreciated and as always much thanks in advance.......peace!


"Shall We Dance"

a shadow frolics in the foyer
with cryptic love letter in hand
the ebb and flow of restraint
forces rationale to play taps
upside a blood stained wall
thoughts are loud; screams are silent
as wisdom peers through a broken window pane
revelations howl from the rooftop
under the glow of discarded dreams
a skeleton of forgotten origin
undresses at the front door
siblings share Freudian slips
this fissure threatens
to devour their minds
and castrate their morals
the whisper of a devil is louder than the scream of an angel-

Music with meaning at: http://www.soundclick.com/solide

Lyrics, poetry, screenplays etc. at: http://www.storymani...o...nsR&alpha=E

#2 User is online   stewart alexander Icon

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Posted 06 November 2011 - 09:39 PM

hey bud..



this is wonderful stuff and I love :-

"upside a blood stained wall
thoughts are loud; screams are silent "


no indepth crit. but appreciation of some lovely wording..
colourful and provocative! :)


stewie

#3 User is offline   SatanInventedBras Icon

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Posted 30 November 2011 - 12:10 AM

I have read this numerous times in the past few weeks; just as I would be ready to comment, catastrophes of various sizes would take me away from the Muse. Here I am in the middle of the night risking a powerful jinx (I just thought, "I am catastrophe free!!") because this piece is worth it.

It's dark and sinister, but not overwhelmingly so on the surface. The more I read it, the more I am creeped out at some of the specific vocabulary and phrases you chose: voyeur, broken, howl, Freudian, devour, castrate... There is a story here that could probably fill tomes, but the glimpses of the tragic 'snapshots' whet the imagination. I don't understand the title choice, but that's part of the mystery -- it drives my mind to look for hidden clues and double entendres (i.e. does 'Freudian slips' mean something accidentally sexual or is 'slips' a literal thing--an item of female underwear-- and does the usage of 'Freudian' point to incestuous thoughts/actions?)

Obviously, this describes a trauma - but is it metaphorical, emotional, physical, criminal? I think the piece stands a lone quite well, but could also serve as a tantalizing appetizer.

Technicalities: the first line trips me up, the "in" before "the voyeur" makes me think its either a poetic device/protest against commas -or- it has to do with some sort of manifestation of emotion (either the emotion is the voyeur, the emotion causes the individual to be the voyeur) or s/he's just a random bystander looking in on something painful and personal. To me, the line reads better as "shadows frolic. the voyeur..." -or- "a shadow frolics on the voyeur/shadows frolic on the voyeur." But then, I like the illusion of something moving within, a sort of cloud (sad) reaction to the events of which we see the aftermath.

I want to know more!
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thank you. we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
i need a lover that won't drive me crazy.
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if you love someone, let him fly. or break his wings so he can't leave.
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the boob has been deboobed.
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kill one man, you're a murderer. kill a million, a king. kill them all, a god.

#4 User is offline   oxe57 Icon

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Posted 04 December 2011 - 03:01 PM

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your input. I have a love affair with words (I know geek right?). Words are one of my passions. What I have found is that poetry has allowed me to indulge my passion like no other artform that I've tried. I love to improvise and poetry is the perfect place for me to do this. I'm not concerned with a bridge or a title or plot. With poetry all I'm trying to do is stimulate the love of literature in the reader and myself. With poetry I'm aiming for something aesthetic as oppose to intellectual. Oh and by the way this poem is loosely based on a dysfunctional family. Thanks again for the input................................peace!
the whisper of a devil is louder than the scream of an angel-

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#5 User is offline   klo Icon

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Posted 27 February 2012 - 10:55 PM

My honest opinion of people who say "Hey, good job" or "I liked it" really don't even appreciate the poem. I have no idea what you are talking about here. It sounds like someone in standing in a foyer at night, love letter in hand and then someone jumps through the window and attacks her, someone is at the front door, its a sibling and then they get into a fight or are brainwashed. Cut out all the fancy wording and just say it for what it is. This is one of the reasons why I don't read poetry. Once upon a time it made sense but nowadays people have no idea how to write poetry. No offense to anyone in this section but you aren't Shakespeare. I can't say whether or not I like it because I don't know what it is about. This is not called creativity but "let me say whatever the hell I want, even if it doesn't make sense". I would suggest you re-write it and say it for what it is!

Thanks for sharing though :)

#6 User is offline   oxe57 Icon

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Posted 27 February 2012 - 11:16 PM

I guess that old saying is true. Be careful what you ask for :) Thanks for the input............peace!
the whisper of a devil is louder than the scream of an angel-

Music with meaning at: http://www.soundclick.com/solide

Lyrics, poetry, screenplays etc. at: http://www.storymani...o...nsR&alpha=E

#7 User is offline   TamsNumber4 Icon

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Posted 01 March 2012 - 06:54 PM

oxe,


I find this exciting. Each read seems to draw a new picture in my mind. As if there is a perfect looking home, but when you peek inside and look deeply, there

is so much pain and unrest, so many secrets and expectations and unknowns. We look to our neighbors and think their lives are better, yet we don't really know

what their lives entail.........

I have always found you to be such a deep soul and I want you to know I have always appreciated your art and are always thankful you come here to share it with us all.

Oh........and one more thing.......the title was difficult for me too.......how about..."Family, the ties are binding"....LOL!!!


Tammy
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#8 User is offline   TamsNumber4 Icon

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Posted 01 March 2012 - 07:24 PM

oxe,

Please forgive me kind sir, I am so very sorry about this........

Tammy



KLO,


Quote

one of the reasons why I don't read poetry



Quote

nowadays people have no idea how to write poetry



Quote

No offense to anyone in this section but you aren't Shakespeare



Quote

This is not called creativity



Quote

I would suggest you re-write it and say it for what it is



If this is how you feel........then why come to the Artist Cafe at all?

Coming here and saying such a thing would be like going to an art museum and looking at a painting and saying, "I don't get it, take it down". It is there for all and even if it is only a few folks that appreciate it, it is then there for them to see and enjoy and to contemplate and maybe it is there to tempt the interest of a new thought or idea.

I understand that what you said was your opinion, but you would find if you considered the people you are throwing your negative thoughts to, are wonderful, artistic, kind and caring souls who took the time to put a piece of themselves on the page and then, found the courage to come here to share it.

We on the Muse, and particularly in the Artist Cafe are NOT just words on a page, there are hearts behind the profile photos. They are dreamers and creators of all kinds and each and every person has their own style of communication and each fabricates a story, situation or vision in their own unique way.

If you knew oxe.......then you would know that posting that in his thread was inappropriate and unkind.

Who are you to tell someone they should re-write something in the way you understand the world?

I am so happy that oxe gave you a gentleman's reply.

I had to have my say, you addressed everyone on this board and I say that there are hundreds of Shakespeares on this board, they are from all over the world, they are different genders and colors and they all write and create in a different way and I am so amazed to get to experience it. If this is not a place you can appreciate, if this place intimidates you or doesn't live up to your standards, then dwell somewhere else, but do not ever tell an artist that what they have created is wrong in some way or should be re-done, it is a terrible and heartless thing to do.


Tammy
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~Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time.~

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#9 User is online   stewart alexander Icon

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Posted 01 March 2012 - 07:59 PM

ok... Tammy, :) .. my lovely friend...

I don't think Klo embraced that this is "more" of a place to post "anything"
from abstract poetry.. to songs.. art.. videos.. letters.. even short stories at times.. as an expression
and not as pieces to be deconstructed.

I started this forum off (yes, it was me and my mate Victor Smallwood) .. for anyone to post without
worry about being told how to write or paint etc..

he did ask for an indepth crit. which is rare here.. this is more like a gallery for people to put things up they want to share.. and not really to learn, or for their work to be found seen as faulty and poorly written in some way...(I wanted a place to be free .. here on MM) but, if people ask for indepth crits, which he did.. they are open for such comments from Klo... whom I doubt meant harm other than from her "relative" and educated stance seeing this as making no sense.. (which most of mine do lol) .. which is not saying this "does"... but Klo made her views clearly.




Klo

:)

you know me .. you know my work can be as mad as a balloon ;)


Cut out all the fancy wording and just say it for what it is. well.. maybe he likes fancy words!

This is not called creativity but "let me say whatever the hell I want, even if it doesn't make sense". I would suggest you re-write it and say it for what it is!



people can say anything they want here and for it to make no sense.. realise that a little more..
even if they ask for a deep indepth.. do you like my cooking kinda crit!



hugs to all... x

#10 User is offline   oxe57 Icon

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Posted 02 March 2012 - 12:47 AM

The Muse's Muse is one of my fav' nightclubs. A place to share insights, art and the occasional difference of opinion. The art that I create is up for all forms of discussion. Critiques, criticism, compliments are all welcome by me. I promise to all the patrons here at the Muse you will get nothing but honesty, compassion and a love of writing from me. All the best Musers...................peace!
the whisper of a devil is louder than the scream of an angel-

Music with meaning at: http://www.soundclick.com/solide

Lyrics, poetry, screenplays etc. at: http://www.storymani...o...nsR&alpha=E

#11 User is offline   jonie Icon

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Posted 02 March 2012 - 10:12 PM

klo has a bit of a point here. Though I don't agree that it needs to be completely rewritten, I do think it needs to be a bit more dynamic. It's a poem with a stark theme. I would look to keep it stark throughout. I would take out any and all shreds of nicety. I'll just highlight what I think could go or be replaced with words which promote the theme.

a shadow frolics in the foyer > replace frolics or just remove it
with cryptic love letter in hand > action over adjectives
the ebb and flow of restraint
forces rationale to play taps > "taps" is the right idea, but the wrong word - not strong enough
upside a blood stained wall > upside? As in "I'm gonna hit you "upside" the head? There's a better word or again, it could just be removed
thoughts are loud; screams are silent< how exactly are thoughts loud?
as wisdom peers through a broken window pane<again, action over adjective. Why does it need to be broken. If it's to convey an episode of violence or to give an image of a house in trouble then I think "shattered" is more evocative. Better yet, a word that suggests the image without nailing it on the head
revelations howl from the rooftop < howl is somehow not fitting. Surprisingly, this might be the one place where a less dynamic but more sinister word is needed.
under the glow of discarded dreams < glow is too wimpy and rooftops are "above" not "under"
a skeleton of forgotten origin
undresses at the front door < these two lines "could" be less obtuse. They "could" reveal themselves for what they really are and lead into the finale with a more literal punch in the gut.
siblings share Freudian slips < I don't know it's significance but it's nice idea. But then you follow up with "this fissure" which sounds as if the Freudian slip is a fissure, which is not what I get from a "Freudian slip.
this fissure threatens to devour their minds < What's the "This" in "this fissure" It hasn't been eluded to even in passing
and castrate their morals

This poem did not engage me emotionally. Sorry. I don't mind it's abstract nature but I do find it lacking in characterization and any sort of defined conflict of the type most of us can identify with. It's loose and free-flowing, and that's okay. But I feel it could benefit from a secure base from which everything else can flow unimpeded.

If this is about the two siblings or even an entire family wallowing in dysfunction, I think it might work better if you introduced the subjects up front rather than hide them away until the very end. The end could be used for resolution or the very pointed "non-resolution", if you prefer.

I'm fully aware of my limited understanding of abstract poetry and don't at all suggest you should throw it away. In my view, everything born of inspiration should be allowed to grow and develop.

Others will disagree with my assessment. Some readers would rather everything be left to interpretation.

It's your choice. But you did ask :D
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#12 User is offline   oxe57 Icon

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Posted 03 March 2012 - 06:43 PM

Thanks for the input Jonie. This entire sequence of events surrounding this poem brings to mind the age old debate as to whether song lyrics and poetry are the same thing. I say let the debate rage on. Thanks again............................peace!
the whisper of a devil is louder than the scream of an angel-

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#13 User is offline   jonie Icon

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Posted 03 March 2012 - 11:34 PM

It's quite possible I'm far too literally and lyrically inclined to appreciate the difference between poetry and lyrics.

As long as you replace the word "frolic", I think I can manage my way through the rest of it. :lol:

One thing I failed to mention about my overall impression of this poem - when I got to the end, I was left with the disturbing idea that these siblings were intimate - in the biblical sense.

Just thought I'd throw in that impression. It might displease you or might not at all. :)
We have now sunk to a depth at which re-statement of the obvious is the first duty of intelligent men.
George Orwell

The greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion.
Arthur C. Clarke

Don Martin Lyric of the Year 2008 & 2009
1 + 1 Song of the Year 2009 Ain't That True

My Soundclick Page
My lyrics and songs hosted by Lyricadia

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