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Lyricist looking for songwriter/producer for lyrics I have written This song is for my girlfriend!!

#1 User is offline   GeorgesL Icon

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Posted 18 July 2011 - 11:02 PM

Hey guys!

I have some song lyrics I have been working on for a song for my girlfriend, who I have known for a month, but have become very close with. I have been listening to a lot of music and lyrics, mostly easy listening and Christian Rock music, the type of music I grew up with, and did a lot of soul searching to find what I really wanted to say in my song. I have the 2 verses and the chorus already written, I wanted to keep it short but sweet. And I just need some music put together, maybe some help with added lyrics, to make it a song she will really fall in love with. (On a personal note, she is the first girl I've ever met that I found common ground with, and she is the one person I can really talk to, so I want this song to be perfect.)

That aside, down to work. The song is called "Deelee", or "Dee Lee", which is her name, BTW. It's a love song, I like it to be romantic, maybe even sexy would be a possibility.

1st verse:
I know our hearts must never meet
But you got a heart that's oh so sweet
When I was cold and lonely
You would come my way
With a smile and a song
And chase my fears away

Chorus:
Oh Dee Lee, come to me
I want to hold you in my arms again
Oh Dee Lee, baby can't you see
I got to hold you in my arms again

2nd verse:
I get high when you hold me tight
When you touch me it feels so right
When I first met you darling
My love was at an end
But then you came to be
A lover and a friend

(Chorus)

Now here are some additional lyrics I want to throw in, or at least make the cut:

You were the one I've been searching for
You keep me coming back for more
If this don't last forever
At least we have tonight
Come and take my hand
I'll make everything all right

If anyone willing to help me with this song, wants to change the words around in order to fit the song, please do it! I may have some other ideas for some more lyrics, but I'll worry about that later. Thanks guys!

#2 User is offline   Neal K Icon

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Posted 19 July 2011 - 12:14 PM

Dude, I gotta be honest here. I don't think anybody on this board is likely to volunteer their time and talent to help you with this project. There's nothing really special about this lyric that would make someone think, "Wow, I want to be a part of this!"

I have two suggestions:

1) Post this lyric in our critique forum for help and ideas. It needs a lot of work, but a few little changes might make it work.

2) Contact a demo production company to record your song. You can get a nice guitar/vocal recording for $100 - $150.

Neal
The forest would be silent if only the best birds sang.

#3 User is offline   GeorgesL Icon

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Posted 19 July 2011 - 02:32 PM

I agree it does need work, because I ask myself "Is this really what I want to say?" So I'm taking your advice and posting my lyrics in the critique section. Thanks for the tip!

#4 User is offline   allesegretti Icon

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Posted 12 October 2011 - 01:19 PM

First the Criticism:

I have to agree, having 20 years of commercial experience. It's a wonderful poem, a personal scribing. But it's not a song.


Now the Constructive:

There is no colour in the telling, it's flat. Besides the uncertainty in the relationship that comes through in the choice of words. Try adding some colour - words that describe an emotion or the subject rather than actually describe the subject itself.

There is only one emotion. Fear. It's a self reflective fear more than an actual fear. No one wants to feel insecure about themselves when they reflect on a song. It's not a love song, it's a fear of being loved.

Go back, rework it. Ask yourself questions about what it is you are trying to write a song about, rather than write a song about the questions you want to ask.

Good luck! It takes a lot of effort to write a brilliant song. I'm working on just one song right now that is so intense emotionally. It takes time to get it right.

#5 User is offline   Kenneth Bradshaw Icon

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Posted 12 October 2011 - 06:03 PM

I am reminded of the Archies and "Sugar, Sugar". That was just a fun catchy tune that did not pretend to be anything else. Today, I think the cartoon show Phineas and Ferb is full of songs like that. I hear it is being turn into a musical and I look forward to listening to those tunes that are not masterpieces. If you are good with this being a retro song that you share with a special girl, then go for it. Some of your ending lines actually remind me of late 50s Neil Sedaka type lines. If you want it to be a masterpiece, then you do need a re-write, but I wouldn't. I would score it with reto-music and spend the rest of my time enjoying this girl's company.

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