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When well my fairy tale begin Need help writing a second verse

#1 User is offline   ~Colt.45~ Icon

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Posted 25 November 2010 - 07:25 PM

Hey, this is my first post. I'm 16 I've been writing verses for like a year and a half, but i always have problems adding more onto these verses i write. Feel free to edit w.e. you want or add on but this is what i have so far, i wrote this maybe a year and half ago and dug it up recently. I'm trying to do kind of like a rap thing with rhyming but w.e. you want to add on you can.

"I put my heart in a bottle and threw it out to sea
looking for someone to save me
Someone took my heart
Now im trying to take it back
Cause they turned me into a heartless maniac
Im going down the same track
But at different speeds
I find my rush of blood trying to tell me what i need
More booze more weed
More false highs
To stop my heart bleed
I felt my soul fall back and my addiction become my lead
Its amazing what can grow from such a small seed
What happends when you feed and feed
when you stop you feel like dying
lives just a ride mide as well keep riding
id rather be flying
but everything that goes up must come down so whats the point of trying
they say the best things in life are free but why do i only feel good when im buying?
Every story has a beginning a climax and the end, so when does the next story begin
Because i felt ive been thru a lot of ends
And i felt like ive always had to pretend
Tear things up then mend
And repeat again
Every story has a begging and end
I felt ive been thru so many stories when will my fairy tale begin
When well my fairy tale begin
When well my fairy tale begin"

#2 User is offline   Harreh Icon

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Posted 30 November 2010 - 05:34 AM

imho opinion: you have far too many words, for one verse, and one chours.
before you continue, you need to think about condensing some.
also, i dont mean to be offensive, but i feel you come off target. you start about love, then go on to weed, and how that makes you feel.
theres also some "forced rhymes"..

also also, you do need a stronger chorus.
if you need help finding a chorus, go take a look at other choruses
though there are many variations of how to write one, most of the time there will be one of the following
- 4 lines
- 3 or 4 lines, a set up, and a hook
- a repeated refrain

though you dont have to follow any of this, theres a reason why these things get used so much - they work

im gonna try and set your song out as a song that i would be happy to sing, so you can see what i mean by all of this.

Verse 1
I put my heart in a bottle, and threw it out to sea
looking for someone to come and save me
Someone took my heart, Now im trying to take it back
Without it im a reckless maniac
(- this is perfectly enough imo)

Chours
Every story has a beginning a climax and an end, but when will my fairy tale commence (a more suitable rhyme imo)
I am _______________________________________, but when will my fairy tale commence sorry i left this blank, but you can put anything here, as long as it follows the rhyme scheme

okay. so this is the most basic draft, and it scraps half of it.
what you need to do now is: find a line that makes the chorus sing well. then think about a pre chorus, to link up the verse with the chorus. then write a second verse, and you're practically done.
a suggestion, for the pre chorus, is to relate your heartless self to at least a couple of fairy tale characters.
maybe say "if i only was ___ i could be___.... " x 2. but dont make it too long. pre choruses are mean to be quite short

anyways. hope this helps.
feel free to look at my thread :)
My SoundCloud account: soundcloud.com/harlequin-king
My friendship groups soundcloud account for old songs: soundcloud.com/neoncircus

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