[jonie]

A certain ex-governor’s attacks
Are unhampered by logic or facts.
Her rantin’ and ravin’
Leave me with a cravin’...
To give her a couple good whacks.

Does she slay Mama Grizzlies, I wonder?
This modern day Queen of the Tundra
Or does she just kill
The language at will...

[Alistair S]

Does she slay Mama Grizzlies, I wonder?
This modern day Queen of the Tundra
Or does she just kill
The language at will...
And is she clean-shaven down under?

A woman from Kalamazoo
Had an amazing tattoo
From the top of her back
And way into her crack ..

[jonie]

A woman from Kalamazoo
Had an amazing tattoo
From the top of her back
And way into her crack ..
Was the face of each man that she knew

She neither admired nor abhorred them
Just needed somewhere she could store them
Lest she forget
She came to regret

[Alistair S]

She neither admired nor abhorred them
Just needed somewhere she could store them
Lest she forget
She came to regret
Forgetting she couldn't afford them

The young girl was cutting my hair
When she stuck one long leg in the air
But the sight of her crotch
was really too much

[jonie]

The young girl was cutting my hair
When she stuck one long leg in the air
But the sight of her crotch
was really too much
And her prices were really unfair


The hair I once loved was now gone
But I paid her and left the salon
Bald as an egg
I'd taken her leg

[SatanInventedBras]

The hair I once loved was now gone
But I paid her and left the salon
Bald as an egg
I'd taken her leg
Leaving with future threat to bomb


So on my way through the Heartland
I joined a traveling bluegrass band
They had a sweet tune
Based loosely on Lorna Doone...

[Joan]

So on my way through the Heartland
I joined a traveling bluegrass band
They had a sweet tune
Based loosely on Lorna Doone...
On banjo, played with one hand.

In Kansas we pulled into Reading
To play an outdoor bluegrass wedding
In a field of sunflowers
We waited for hours

[NigeQ]

In Kansas we pulled into Reading
To play an outdoor bluegrass wedding
In a field of sunflowers
We waited for hours
Until it was time to check out the bedding


This morning the weather was freezing
My breathing was more like wheezing
No heat in the hall
And ice on the wall
...

[Joan]

This morning the weather was freezing
My breathing was more like wheezing
No heat in the hall
And ice on the wall
Those frosties entailed painful tweezing.

I just got a cable from Sally
"The Euro's attempting a rally!"
With the greenback in flight
And a Greek deal in sight

[scubed]

I just got a cable from Sally
"The Euro's attempting a rally!"
With the greenback in flight
And a Greek deal in sight
The FTSE's up out of Death Valley!"

The hard news and comedy shows
Are tightly entwined, Heaven knows!
To Colbert and Stewart
The Fox crawl alert

[Joan]

The hard news and comedy shows
Are tightly entwined, Heaven knows!
To Colbert and Stewart
The Fox crawl alert
Yields pay dirt where no one else goes

There once was a farmer named Enos
Whose grapevines lay east of Salinas
One belt of his Pinot
I woke up in Reno

[jonie]

There once was a farmer named Enos
Whose grapevines lay east of Salinas
One belt of his Pinot
I woke up in Reno
Hooked up to a gin intravenous

The judge gave me thirty to life
For killing my brother's new wife
But in my defense
She hadn't the sense

[Greg Ball]

There once was a farmer named Enos
Whose grapevines lay east of Salinas
One belt of his Pinot
I woke up in Reno
in a bed that wasn't the cleanest

I wish I could say that I was alone
I wish that I knew where I'd left my phone
I hope that this boudoir
stays off the radar...

[jonie]

A tad late, Greg. No worries though.

I wish I could say that I was alone
I wish that I knew where I'd left my phone
I hope that this boudoir
stays off the radar...
Too late! Her husband's come home!

The judge gave me thirty to life
For killing my brother's new wife
But in my defense
She hadn't the sense

[Joan]

The judge gave me thirty to life
For killing my brother's new wife
But in my defense
She hadn't the sense
That God gave a dull paring knife

Her body was slick as a porpoise
I buried that leaky old corpus
It should've stayed hidden
But somehow it didn't

[Bruce N]

Her body was slick as a porpoise
I buried that leaky old corpus
It should've stayed hidden
But somehow it didn't
Rising up like charlotte russe

A shallow grave covered with leaves
Fully exposed by the frost heaves
The golden retriver did not linger
Making off With the lady's finger

[scubed]

A shallow grave covered with leaves
exposed by the frost heaves
The golden retriver did not linger
Making off With the lady's finger
A sloppy crime seldom deceives!

Said the feminist mom to her progeny
In this world there is too much misogyny
Be a man who respects
The opposite sex

[Alistair S]

Said the feminist mom to her progeny
In this world there is too much misogyny
Be a man who respects
The opposite sex
Be a new branch of human phylogeny

I would dance on the grave of my wife
But the bitch keeps on clinging to life
She knows very well
She makes my life hell ..

[jonie]

I would dance on the grave of my wife
But the bitch keeps on clinging to life
She knows very well
She makes my life hell
And is better at twisting the knife

She was singing the song "Hallelujah"
That first night we met in Missoula
She was bad, it was clear
But I had a tin ear

[Alistair S]

She was singing the song "Hallelujah"
That first night we met in Missoula
She was bad, it was clear
But I had a tin ear
So she didn't sound too peculiar

But she was a feast to my eyes
Even though she was double my size
I'd love to get lost
And tumbled and tossed ..

[Bruce N]

She was singing the song "Hallelujah"
That first night we met in Missoula
She was bad, it was clear
But I had a tin ear
And a love of woman named Beulah

Met a woman named Dinah, man could she blow
On the horn all night, it was go go go
Be it on the bugle
Or even the fulgle

[jonie]

But she was a feast to my eyes
Even though she was double my size
I'd love to get lost
And tumbled and tossed
So I dove in with three other guys

The orgy went on unabated
As the flesh of her thighs undulated
I fought for position
But failed at the mission

[Alistair S]

Met a woman named Dinah, man could she blow
On the horn all night, it was go go go
Be it on the bugle
Or even the fulgle
She would take it too fast when I wanted it slow

The orgy went on unabated
As the flesh of her thighs undulated
I fought for position
But failed at the mission
There's no way that girl could be sated

My ego was crushed to the core
Every trick in the book, and some more
But, try as I might
That girl's appetite

[jonie]

My ego was crushed to the core
Every trick in the book, and some more
But, try as I might
That girl's appetite
Left no choice but the Krispy Kreme store

Where I bought her a few dozen glazed
Which she ate with her hunger unfazed
One more dozen filled
Which she expertly killed

[Alistair S]

Where I bought her a few dozen glazed
Which she ate with her hunger unfazed
One more dozen filled
Which she expertly killed.
I guess it's the way she was raised

The Superbowl game is today
The Giants and Patriots play
We Brits don't much care
What goes on over there ..

[jonie]

The Superbowl game is today
The Giants and Patriots play
We Brits don't much care
What goes on over there
Except when it gets in our way

Tom Brady is favored to win
But Gisele thinks a pickle, he's in
To ensure he won't fail
She sent an email

[Alistair S]

Tom Brady is favored to win
But Gisele thinks a pickle, he's in
To ensure he won't fail
She sent an email
That's in God's recycling bin

I ate a delicious cream scone
If you wanted some, too late, it's gone
Strawberries too
But none left for you

[jonie]

I ate a delicious cream scone
If you wanted some, too late, it's gone
Strawberries too
But none left for you
But no worries, I've saved you the bone

An old woman who boarded our bus
Soon decided to sit next to us
She said we looked kind
And unlikely to mind

[Dottie]

An old woman who boarded our bus
Decided to sit next to us
She said we looked kind
And unlikely to mind
That her sores wear pouring out pus

I knew I was gonna be sick
Shoulda sat by the good looking chic
But I thought she would care
About the lice in my hair

[jonie]

I knew I was gonna be sick
Shoulda sat by the good looking chic
But I thought she would care
About the lice in my hair
And my strange uncontrollable tic

Though some women find it appealing
It gets a few ladies to reeling
I never know which
'Til my face starts to twitch

[Alistair S]

Though some women find it appealing
It gets a few ladies to reeling
I never know which
'Til my face starts to twitch
Then I'm scraping them down off the ceiling

I had finished my "honey-do" list
But felt sure there was something I'd missed
I was checking it through
As I sat on the loo

[Dottie]

Though some women find it appealing
It gets a few ladies to reeling
I never know which
'Til my face starts to twitch
And by then she's already screaming

I was once in a playgirl book
Till I found out my girlfriend looked
It didn't show my face
She knew it was me anyway

[jonie]

I had finished my "honey-do" list
But felt sure there was something I'd missed
I was checking it through
As I sat on the loo
'Cause forgetting crap sure gets her pissed

I was once in a playgirl book
Till I found out my girlfriend looked
It didn't show my face
She knew it was me anyway
Not every dick comes with a hook

I take my guitar down to Brighton
The locals down there need enlightening
But when I start to play
They all walk away

[Alistair S]

I take my guitar down to Brighton
The locals down there need enlightening
But when I start to play
They all walk away
So I know that my g-string needs tightening

I can play acid house on kazoo
A trick that few people can do
I build up the beat
By stamping my feet

[NigeQ]

I can play acid house on kazoo
A trick that few people can do
I build up the beat
By stamping my feet
It's great until I need the loo


There once was a man made of snow
Whose coal eyes started to glow
His will got stronger
As his carrot got longer

[Joan]

There once was a man made of snow
Whose coal eyes started to glow
His will got stronger
As his carrot got longer
'Til it wilted from too much Bordeaux.

Ah, Jinxie, you're subtle by no means
Your claws have dug clear through these old jeans
Your cat box is clean
I suppose this must mean

[jonie]

Ah, Jinxie, you're subtle by no means
Your claws have dug clear through these old jeans
Your cat box is clean
I suppose this must mean
Smelly treasures lay somewhere unseen

A big ginger showed up at my door
Where he let out a mighty cat roar
When he gave me a grin
I let that puss in

[NigeQ]

A big ginger showed up at my door
Where he let out a mighty cat roar
When he gave me a grin
I let that puss in
And he offered me a shake of the paw


Last week I saw a fox on the roof
Of next door’s shed, it’s the truth
Curled up in the sun
From nine until one

[jonie]

Last week I saw a fox on the roof
Of next door’s shed, it’s the truth
Curled up in the sun
From nine until one
But alas, I haven't the proof

See, just as I went for my camera
I was attacked by a ten foot chimera
He chewed up my shoe
Look here! See, it's true

[Rob Barratt]

See, just as I went for my camera
I was attacked by a ten foot chimera
He chewed up my shoe
Look here! See, it's true
I'm a clueless, shoeless, ss...stammerer

The renowned beast of Bodmin Moor
Came a-sniffing around at my door
He came in for tea
But then needed a wee

[jonie]

The renowned beast of Bodmin Moor
Came a-sniffing around at my door
He came in for tea
But then needed a wee
Turns out the old beast was a boor

He droned on and on about peasants
How most of them tasted unpleasant
They say it's their diet
But I just don't buy it

[Bruce N]

He droned on and on about peasants
How most of them tasted unpleasant
They say it's their diet
But I just don't buy it
It's likely due to a lack of deodourant

I once knew a woman named Charlotte
Was rumored as quite the harlot
She was often boisterous
As a "hostess with the mostess"...

[jonie]

I once knew a woman named Charlotte
Was rumored as quite the harlot
She was often boisterous
As a "hostess with the mostess"...
As she served her male guests in the car lot

There once was a farmer named Phil
Who sowed all his fields with dill
His wife was quite tickled
When she found his dill pickled

[NigeQ]

jonie, on 07 February 2012 - 06:20 PM, said:

But alas, I haven't the proof

Actually I have


There once was a farmer named Phil
Who sowed all his fields with dill
His wife was quite tickled
When she found his dill pickled
So she displayed it on the front window sill


Ronald was light on his feet
As he sauntered fast down the street
Distracted by a herb
He tripped on the kerb

[jonie]

[quote name='NigeQ' date='07 February 2012 - 05:58 PM' timestamp='1328655512' post='570377']

jonie, on 07 February 2012 - 06:20 PM, said:

But alas, I haven't the proof

Actually I have


Sweet.

Ronald was light on his feet
As he sauntered fast down the street
Distracted by a herb
He tripped on the kerb
Of the herb? Well old Ron would not speak

I went to a shindig for singles
Content for a while to just mingle
Until she walked in
Wearing nothing but sin

[Joan]

I went to a shindig for singles
Content for a while to just mingle
Until she walked in
Wearing nothing but sin
And a rather advanced case of shingles

So what's the deal now with Santorum?
It looks like the Midwest is for him.
So Iowa's no fluke
This guy kills in Dubuque

[jonie]

So what's the deal now with Santorum?
It looks like the Midwest is for him.
So Iowa's no fluke
This guy kills in Dubuque
En masse, they're all dying of boredom

But SuperPacs wait in the wings
Still planning to crown their man king
Mitt Romney's their pick
And their ads will inflict

[Joan]

But SuperPacs wait in the wings
Still planning to crown their man king
Mitt Romney's their pick
And their ads will inflict
Bombast to make my ears ring

I don't get this thing about cupcakes
They're everywhere now, fer chrissakes!
Del Mar to Waukegan
in hi-test or vegan

[jonie]

I don't get this thing about cupcakes
They're everywhere now, fer chrissakes!
Del Mar to Waukegan
in hi-test or vegan
I get more to eat from a snowflake

Give me a layered spumoni
Or a creamy and crunchy cannoli
A warm creme brulee
Is better, I say

[Bruce N]

Give me a layered spumoni
Or a creamy and crunchy cannoli
A warm creme brulee
Is better, I say
Then a feather in your cap, and eating macaroni

There once was a dog named Bingo
Met a bitch who was a Dingo
They soon had a litter
which gave him the jitters