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Lyric Critique Forum RulesFeel free to post your lyrics here so that others can tell you what they think. If you're critiquing, please make sure to keep your criticism constructive.
PLEASE NOTE: Messages will remain here for 30 days before they'll be pruned. Storing too many messages slows down the board display for everyone. Remember that this board is free for you all, but the space it takes up isn't free for me to provide. ;) Also note that there are both guidelines and RULES before. Please read both! I appreciate your understanding.
RULES FOR POSTING:
1) Please only post one song per day.
2) Please post a minimum of two reviews for each posting of your own lyrics
If you want reviews, you need to give reviews. The more you review, the more you will get back. This is not a "pat on the back" forum. It's a place for people to get constructive criticism about work they're genuinely interested in improving. You need a thick skin, and you need to PARTICIPATE by doing more than just posting your own song. Help out your fellow participants and you will, in fact, be helping yourself.
3) If your message becomes a personal attack on anyone, expect it to be erased. This is a LYRIC critique board - not a PERSON critique board. ;) Keep your messages and your replies on topic.
4) And it disappoints me that I even have to mention this ... but PLEASE keep your lyrics tasteful. What do I mean by that? Overt sexuality, extreme amounts of swearing ... Ok. I don't mind self-expression. But when it's just gross for the reason of being gross and serves no purpose whatsoever than to offend, it's not welcome here. End of story. Use metaphors. Be creative and not overt. There are kids that read this stuff, ok? Thanks.
If we stick to these simple guidelines, we'll all be a bit happier - and more able to keep up with the volume of songs posted.
GUIDELINES FOR POSTING
1) Indicate what genre your song is for. This will give people a better idea of the goals you might have with your song and will avoid confusion.
2) Let people know if you're after an in-depth critique. If you're not, don't say anything. But if you really want people to go to town on your lyric - if you're after constructive criticism that will really help you with improving it, please do say so. You can add that into your thread's "description" field when you first post.
3) PLEASE participate in other areas of the board. I realize that for some of you, this forum is extremely important - and I think that's great! But there are other forums too. Spread your wisdom around, hmm? ;) Become a participating member of this community.
Thanks folks! --Jodi
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| Magical Melody (UPDATED) again, a rewrite of sorts and new layout |
 Nov 5 2009, 06:32 PM
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#1
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Active Muse  Group: Members Posts: 166 Joined: 13-October 09 From: Liverpool UK Member No.: 22019  |
Hi all this is my tribute to some legends and some my fav artists and there songs that we lost before there time comments welcome
Ive made it longer and added 2 other legends and a bridge, also took out the lyrical innovation line as people wasnt feeling it. please critique and comment i really feel this song and want to make it the best i can with your help thanks all Magical Melody (v1) Lennon wrote of peace and love and asked how do you sleep. Come together everyone, imagine being free. Freddie sung of champions, and Bohemian Rhapsody. Under pressure from the press, he wanted to break free. (c1) Rest in peace you legends you left a legacy, touching feelings deep inside with your magical melody. Thank you to the legends for all the memories. Thank you for the music and the magical melodies. (v2) Elvis is always on my mind, doing the jail house rock. My way in the ghetto. The kings music will never stop. Hendrix in a purple haze, singing little wing. Angels along the watchtower, watching Jimi sing. (bridge) So many artists had that magical melody, way to many to mention left us to early. The world can be a better place, the legends made us see. There music can mean everything to fans like you and me. (v3) Marley sung redemption songs, trying to be free. He liked to stair it up at a Soul Shakedown Party. Michael was the king of dance. Had a thriller with billie jean. Tried to heal the world for us, but that was just his dream. (c2) Rest in peace you legends you left a legacy, touching feelings deep inside with your magical melody. Thank you to the legends for all the memories. Thank you for the music and the magical melodies. thanks Brian -------------------- A bad melody can destroy the best lyrics!! but a good melody can make s**t shine!! need proof ???look at the music charts today!!.
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Nov 5 2009, 11:21 PM
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#2
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Contributing Muse Group: Members Posts: 57 Joined: 3-December 07 From: New Hampshire, USA Member No.: 19847 |
Hey Brian, I enjoyed this, you mentioned and did justice to some of my all-time favorite musicians
 .Comments Magical Melody V1 Lennon wrote of peace and love and asked how do you sleep. Come together everyone, imagine being free I liked all the references to song titles, nice flow here. C1 Music legends that we've lost have left a legacy. Lyrical innovation and magical melody I think the chorus could use a little work. It's not quite up to the level of the verses. I like the "magical melody" hook, but "lyrical innovation" sounds kind of awkward. Also the first two lines could be worded better. V2 Mercury sung of champions, and Bohemian Rhapsody. Under pressure from the press, he said I want to break free. Rhythm of the last line seems a little off (too many syllables). V3 Presley's always on my mind, doing the jail house rock. My way in the ghetto. The kings music will never stop. Very nice work on this one! C2 Music legends that we've lost have left a legacy. Lyrical innovation and magical melody. V4 Morrison opened doors for us until he crossed the sea, then the end came true for him, Lost in Paris with no dignity. Again, the last line seems rhythmically awkward, but the rest of this is great. C3 Music legends that we've lost have left a legacy. Lyrical innovation and magical melody. |
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Nov 6 2009, 12:54 AM
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#3
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 I'll follow you into the dark. Group: Moderators Posts: 392 Joined: 10-November 05 From: Vista, California Member No.: 14763 |
I love your choice of artists. I've tried singing this a couple of times and the lines seem kind of short. I kind of thought each artist should get a little more time/lines. It could just be that I'm not hearing it the same way you are though.
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Nov 6 2009, 06:13 AM
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#4
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Active Muse Group: Members Posts: 166 Joined: 13-October 09 From: Liverpool UK Member No.: 22019 |
Hi guys thanks
HK you was right about the last lines on them verses i wasnt totally happy with them my self i think ive fixed that ??? i have also redone the fist 2 lines of the chorus i hope its better. regarding the "lyrical innovation" line its one of my fav lines in the song so i wont be changing that  thanks for the help mate hope what i have done worked James im glad you like my artist choices i agree that i could write more lines for each artist and they deserve more. but i dont think the song needs it i think more lines will make the song to long and loose peoples attention before they get through all the artists dont ya think??? Ive added a bit at the end not sure what it would be called can you have a bridge right at the end?????? thanks Brian -------------------- A bad melody can destroy the best lyrics!! but a good melody can make s**t shine!! need proof ???look at the music charts today!!.
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Nov 6 2009, 10:35 AM
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#5
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Contributing Muse Group: Members Posts: 36 Joined: 22-April 08 Member No.: 20237 |
hey brian another good one i must say, this is a minor change i think that would make the chorus better:
Rest in peace you legends you left a legacy, lyrically innovating with a magical melody i think this flows better. cheers Brian............ drae |
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Nov 6 2009, 04:53 PM
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#6
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A Muse's Muse Group: Members Posts: 1675 Joined: 13-May 02 Member No.: 9963 |
Nice tribute Brian, I'm not sure I get a connection with, Lennon and Freddie and Jim,Elvis, and lyrical innovation,
maybe Lennon but the others, didn't notice jako in there, a song like this would feel incomplete to me without him, overall I'd say expand it, Lennon wrote of peace and love and asked how do you sleep. Come together everyone, imagine being free like John sung of peace and love George made a guitar weep. Come together everyone, imagine being free I'd use first names and nicknames throughout,like michal made us dance/Elvis had us wearing blue suede shoes/Hank soothed our blues kinda thing, there is tremendous scope to make this a very exciting song in my opinion. good luck,john -------------------- |
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Nov 6 2009, 05:52 PM
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#7
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Active Muse Group: Members Posts: 166 Joined: 13-October 09 From: Liverpool UK Member No.: 22019 |
QUOTE (draeday @ Nov 6 2009, 10:35 AM)  hey brian another good one i must say, this is a minor change i think that would make the chorus better: Rest in peace you legends you left a legacy, lyrically innovating with a magical melody i think this flows better. cheers Brian............ drae hi drae Thanks for reading im glad ya like it. lyrically innovating does not seem to flow as well to me but thanks for the input its appreciated QUOTE (John Paragreen @ Nov 6 2009, 04:53 PM) Nice tribute Brian, I'm not sure I get a connection with, Lennon and Freddie and Jim,Elvis, and lyrical innovation, maybe Lennon but the others, didn't notice jako in there, a song like this would feel incomplete to me without him, overall I'd say expand it, Lennon wrote of peace and love and asked how do you sleep. Come together everyone, imagine being free like John sung of peace and love George made a guitar weep. Come together everyone, imagine being free I'd use first names and nicknames throughout,like michal made us dance/Elvis had us wearing blue suede shoes/Hank soothed our blues kinda thing, there is tremendous scope to make this a very exciting song in my opinion. good luck,john Hi John thanks for the nice comments, the lyrical inovation line is not meant about all of them but john and freddie and mabey Jim where lyrically innovative IMO especially john Lennon. i understand what you are saying about expanding it but there are so many greats that are gone the song could go on forever. music more than any other artist medium has been very rich in talent and to try and add them all would either make the song way to long or not enough time spent on each artist ,so i had to choose my best of the best. regarding Michael Jackson i wanted to add him after Lennon but a lot of people out there believe the bad about him, i don't believe that stuff about him but many do so i decided not to add him for that reason,but regarding the greats he should have a verse in any song. i just didn't want to get in to a argument or debate about him. I'm not sure if i will be redoing the lyrics to this song again but if i do i will take what you have said on board thanks Brian -------------------- A bad melody can destroy the best lyrics!! but a good melody can make s**t shine!! need proof ???look at the music charts today!!.
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Nov 6 2009, 06:53 PM
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#8
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 Member Group: Members Posts: 2540 Joined: 22-October 08 From: North Carolina Member No.: 20992 |
QUOTE (BrianJ @ Nov 5 2009, 06:32 PM) Hi all this is my tribute to some legends and some my fav artists and there songs that we lost before there time comments welcome Cool to see a song dedicated to some of the greats:) Here are a few suggies keep or sweep:) Magical Melody V1 Lennon wrote of peace and love and asked how do you sleep. Come together everyone, imagine being free C1 Rest is peace you legends Rest IN peace:) you left a legacy, lyrical innovation and magical melody. V2 Mercury sung of champions, and Bohemian Rhapsody. Under pressure from the press, he wanted to break free. V3 Presley's always on my mind, doing the jail house rock. My way in the ghetto. The kings music will never stop. ain't that true:) I am a big Elvis fan.. C2 Rest is peace you legends you left a legacy, lyrical innovation and magical melody. V4 Morrison opened doors for us until he crossed the sea, in paris the end came true for him, he Lost all dignity.---Here I would consider not speaking of how he died as the others ones you did not..it kinda stands out as picking on him.. C3 Rest is peace you legends you left a legacy, lyrical innovation and magical melody. I say thank you to the legends for all the memories. Thanks you to the legends for the magical melodies. thanks Brian Good luck with this Brian... you may want to consider a bridge, to break things up a bit...But good job.. Kimberly
-------------------- KimberlyinNC
~Little Ike Publishing, BMI Member- All Rights Reserved~ Website- www.littleikepublishing.com SoundClick- http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=928651 MySpace http://www.myspace.com/littleikeproductions ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ <*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*> |
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Nov 6 2009, 07:28 PM
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#9
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Active Muse Group: Members Posts: 166 Joined: 13-October 09 From: Liverpool UK Member No.: 22019 |
Hi kimberly
Thanks for the comments. There is a reasons behind jims death being the focus rather than his music, the first and most obviouse reason is because in my opinion The End is a great song and his best so it was a good way to get that in, second reason is with the other three there music is more important than there deaths and the music is what people remember them for the most, sadly with Jim his death overshadowed his music a little, he died a drunk and drug addict and never got around to resurecting his music career and never fully hit his potential in my opinion, and even though he is a great he could have been as big as lennon had he not died at 27 years of age. I hope that makes sence lol Brian -------------------- A bad melody can destroy the best lyrics!! but a good melody can make s**t shine!! need proof ???look at the music charts today!!.
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Nov 6 2009, 09:00 PM
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#10
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Active Muse Group: Members Posts: 166 Joined: 13-October 09 From: Liverpool UK Member No.: 22019 |
Hi all i took on board what you all said and used what i needed to so thanks to all that helped. im really feeling this song and want it to be great
i have added michael jackson because he is one of the biggest legends and this is about his music not his personal life i hope noone has a problem with that again thanks and please let me know if the new version is a improvment and if anymore can be done thanks Brian -------------------- A bad melody can destroy the best lyrics!! but a good melody can make s**t shine!! need proof ???look at the music charts today!!.
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Nov 7 2009, 09:44 AM
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#11
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A Muse's Muse Group: Members Posts: 1675 Joined: 13-May 02 Member No.: 9963 |
much better Brian, personally I'd leave out morrison and his downfall,I'd get jimi hendrix in there making the hairs stand up on the back of our necks, keep it positive
all the best,john -------------------- |
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Nov 7 2009, 10:26 AM
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#12
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Active Muse Group: Members Posts: 166 Joined: 13-October 09 From: Liverpool UK Member No.: 22019 |
thanks john
i was thinking somthing like that my self but could not decide who hendrix you may be on to summin there -------------------- A bad melody can destroy the best lyrics!! but a good melody can make s**t shine!! need proof ???look at the music charts today!!.
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Nov 8 2009, 10:05 AM
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#13
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 Sophisticated Dirt Group: Moderators Posts: 1438 Joined: 26-January 07 From: Cardiff - Wales Member No.: 17279 |
I enjoyed this.. was just thinking about John when I read this..
not a shock you are from up the road in Liverpool buddy.. creative and enjoyable.. hope you don't mind basic thoughts... good writing my friend! -------------------- My Website
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self" |
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Nov 8 2009, 12:00 PM
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#14
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Active Muse Group: Members Posts: 166 Joined: 13-October 09 From: Liverpool UK Member No.: 22019 |
Hi stewart thanks im happy with it for my 5th song i dont think its to bad.the fact that you gave no critique and your comments makes me really happy it means i have done this right, the fact these artists had such great hooks made it much easier. i tried to use there great hooks to tell there story expecially so with michael jackson with the thriller with billie jean line when you know the significance of that song to him and the music industry that lines comes alive. im glad you like it i have to find someone to record it now lol i have recorded it but my vocals and playing are not good enough and i would be embaressed to post it on here lol Anyhow thanks mate Brian -------------------- A bad melody can destroy the best lyrics!! but a good melody can make s**t shine!! need proof ???look at the music charts today!!.
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| Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 22nd November 2009 - 07:26 AM |
