For the Deafs - Muse's Muse Songwriting Message Board

Lyric Critique Forum Rules

Feel free to post your lyrics here so that others can tell you what they think. If you're critiquing, please make sure to keep your criticism constructive.

PLEASE NOTE: Messages will remain here for 30 days before they'll be pruned. Storing too many messages slows down the board display for everyone. Remember that this board is free for you all, but the space it takes up isn't free for me to provide. ;) Also note that there are both guidelines and RULES before. Please read both! I appreciate your understanding.

RULES FOR POSTING:

1) Please only post one song per day.
2) Please post a minimum of two reviews for each posting of your own lyrics
If you want reviews, you need to give reviews. The more you review, the more you will get back. This is not a "pat on the back" forum. It's a place for people to get constructive criticism about work they're genuinely interested in improving. You need a thick skin, and you need to PARTICIPATE by doing more than just posting your own song. Help out your fellow participants and you will, in fact, be helping yourself.
3) If your message becomes a personal attack on anyone, expect it to be erased. This is a LYRIC critique board - not a PERSON critique board. ;) Keep your messages and your replies on topic.
4) And it disappoints me that I even have to mention this ... but PLEASE keep your lyrics tasteful. What do I mean by that? Overt sexuality, extreme amounts of swearing ... Ok. I don't mind self-expression. But when it's just gross for the reason of being gross and serves no purpose whatsoever than to offend, it's not welcome here. End of story. Use metaphors. Be creative and not overt. There are kids that read this stuff, ok? Thanks.

If we stick to these simple guidelines, we'll all be a bit happier - and more able to keep up with the volume of songs posted.

GUIDELINES FOR POSTING

1) Indicate what genre your song is for. This will give people a better idea of the goals you might have with your song and will avoid confusion.
2) Let people know if you're after an in-depth critique. If you're not, don't say anything. But if you really want people to go to town on your lyric - if you're after constructive criticism that will really help you with improving it, please do say so. You can add that into your thread's "description" field when you first post.
3) PLEASE participate in other areas of the board. I realize that for some of you, this forum is extremely important - and I think that's great! But there are other forums too. Spread your wisdom around, hmm? ;) Become a participating member of this community.

Thanks folks! --Jodi

For the Deafs, Acoustic

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No Future View Member Profile	Nov 4 2009, 02:27 AM Post #1
Contributing Muse Group: Members Posts: 47 Joined: 9-August 09 From: Quebec, Canada Member No.: 21821	Hey dear members, It makes a while. Today, I wanted to share you one of my last songs. It is called For the deafs. I would like to know your thoughts. Keep in mind that this is a slow acoustic song. For the deafs Diving deeper, I’m totally deaf Found shiny shells, reached risky depths To carry these, so they can be pleased I’m so packed, now there’s nothing left Where am I? Is it too late to take a breath? It’s so cold, still trying to move (Chorus) Lying there, to myself Carried by them, I bit the bait I tried too hard to take it easy, take it easy It’s not too late, it’s not too late I spit their words, drop these blinding shells To shine again, finally take a breath I’m not deaf anymore, not hearing them At the helm Maybe men can drown, but fishes can’t walk Thanks again. -------------------- Live like there's no tomorrow, that's my motto - Tim Armstrong Alex

FunkDaddy View Member Profile	Nov 4 2009, 04:34 AM Post #2
Big Meanie Muse Group: Moderators Posts: 1575 Joined: 24-November 03 From: Canadia Member No.: 11685	Deafs isn't a word, it should be "For The Deaf" Cool lyric, a little hard to follow. "I'm so packed" sounds a little odd, I'd say "I'm so heavy" or "I'm weighed down" And "I'm not deaf anymore" why not just say "I can hear again". Says the same thing but you're not rehashing the same words over and over. The last line was funny, a little out of place in what sounds like it's supposed to be a dramatic song. -------------------- Mark Singer/Songwriter Composer

No Future View Member Profile	Nov 4 2009, 11:44 AM Post #3
Contributing Muse Group: Members Posts: 47 Joined: 9-August 09 From: Quebec, Canada Member No.: 21821	Wow, very helpful. Thanks a lot man. I will work it. -------------------- Live like there's no tomorrow, that's my motto - Tim Armstrong Alex

No Future View Member Profile	Nov 4 2009, 01:48 PM Post #4
Contributing Muse Group: Members Posts: 47 Joined: 9-August 09 From: Quebec, Canada Member No.: 21821	EDIT Diving deeper, I’m totally deaf Found shiny shells, reached risky depths To carry these, so they can be pleased I’m so heavy, there’s nothing left Far away, too late to take a breath Trying to move, senseless (Chorus) Lying there, to myself Carried by them, I bit the bait I tried too hard to take it easy, take it easy It’s not too late, no it’s not too late I let go, spit their words, drop these blinding cells and I Finally breathe, feet on the ground, no longer dry No longer deaf, no longer hearing them Suddenly, now, I’m at the helm Maybe men can drown But fishes can’t walk (These two lines can sound funny, there are many ways to interpretate this) -------------------- Live like there's no tomorrow, that's my motto - Tim Armstrong Alex

HotKnives View Member Profile	Nov 5 2009, 12:22 AM Post #5
Contributing Muse Group: Members Posts: 57 Joined: 3-December 07 From: New Hampshire, USA Member No.: 19847	Hey No Future, Very nice work. You've got a very solid song here, I think now it just needs a little tweaking. I'll review the new version. Comments For the deafs Diving deeper, I’m totally deaf Found shiny shells, reached risky depths To carry these, so they can be pleased I’m so heavy, there’s nothing left Far away, too late to take a breath Trying to move, senseless The second line seems like kind of a forced rhyme. Structure is very cool and unusual. (Chorus) Lying there, to myself Carried by them, I bit the bait I tried too hard to take it easy, take it easy It’s not too late, it’s not too late The opening line of this "lying there, to myself" is really cool and threw me for a loop. Nice word play. Repetition towards the end is cool. I let go, spit their words, drop these blinding cells and I Finally breathe, feet on the ground, no longer dry No longer deaf, no longer hearing them Suddenly, now, I’m at the helm Maybe men can drown But fishes can’t walk Maybe "I'm not deaf anymore" could be reworded to "deaf no more"? It would flow a little better. Other than that this last verse is perfect. I like the last line a great deal, should be "fish can't walk" though.

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