[steve macneil]

I walked on streets
Of solid gold
My world a castle was
I had everthing a man could want
Because I held your love

But then I took a train
Somewhere To somewhere
I don't know where
All I see is muddy streets and rain

Can i go back to where I was before
Before the rain
Before I took you for granted
Know there's know return tickit on this train

You should have know'n
It never stop's raining in Texas
You din't hear the thunder
And you over looked the sun

yOU had it all when you said I love you
But you through it all away
For one night of love
On a run away train
Gold dosn't shine through mud
Your waves washed away our castle

[kimberlyinnc]

Hello Steve. It is great to see you writing again after what you have been through and it is an honor to read your lyric. I will offer a couple of small suggies..KOS of course..Kim--maybe name this Streets of Gold or a Train Back Home..??

I walked on streets
Of solid gold
My world a castle was
I had everthing a man could want
Because I held your love

But then I took a train
Somewhere To somewhere ..to a place of lonliness and dispair?? I don't know where--somewhere with a name, somewhere...
All I see is- are muddy streets and rain [i]Now all I see are muddy streets and rain[/i]??...nice relationship of the streets of gold to streets of mud!
Can i go back to where I was before
Before the rain
Before I took you for granted
Know there's know return tickit on this train--maybe say it as
Can I go back to where I was before? Before the rain, before the pain, before I took her for granted...I promise no more to roam, when I get back home..I wanna know is there a ticket back home to where I belong? or something like that. I think you have some very good bones to this....just say it a tiny bit clearer...but this is a song that begs to be finished..
You **I **should have know'n
It never stop's raining in Texas
You** I*** didn't din't hear the thunder
And **I** over looked the sun

yOU **I** had it all when you said I love you- in the first you say I then you say you...I think you need to make it to where it is one or other... But you through it all away
For one night of love
On a run away train
Gold dosn't shine through mud
Your waves washed away our castle

Steve, again, it is great to see you on here again. You were missed. I feel your pain in this and I hope you will tweak it some to make it into a song that could be put into music, it deserves it. you keep writing and posting. ok??

KIM

[steve macneil]

Hello Steve. It is great to see you writing again after what you have been through and it is an honor to read your lyric. I will offer a couple of small suggies..KOS of course..Kim--maybe name this Streets of Gold or a Train Back Home..??

I walked on streets
Of solid gold
My world a castle was
I had everthing a man could want
Because I held your love

But then I took a train
Somewhere To somewhere ..to a place of lonliness and dispair?? I don't know where--somewhere with a name, somewhere...
All I see is- are muddy streets and rain [i]Now all I see are muddy streets and rain[/i]??...nice relationship of the streets of gold to streets of mud!
Can i go back to where I was before
Before the rain
Kim you are a sweet heart
Me I;m just an old
I
Before I took you for granted
Know there's know return tickit on this train--maybe say it as
Can I go back to where I was before? Before the rain, before the pain, before I took her for granted...I promise no more to roam, when I get back home..I wanna know is there a ticket back home to where I belong? or something like that. I think you have some very good bones to this....just say it a tiny bit clearer...but this is a song that begs to be finished..
You **I **should have know'n
It never stop's raining in Texas
You** I*** didn't din't hear the thunder
And **I** over looked the sun

yOU **I** had it all when you said I love you- in the first you say I then you say you...I think you need to make it to where it is one or other... But you through it all away
For one night of love
On a run away train
Gold dosn't shine through mud
Your waves washed away our castle

Steve, again, it is great to see you on here again. You were missed. I feel your pain in this and I hope you will tweak it some to make it into a song that could be put into music, it deserves it. you keep writing and posting. ok??

KIM

[steve macneil]

Hello Steve. It is great to see you writing again after what you have been through and it is an honor to read your lyric. I will offer a couple of small suggies..KOS of course..Kim--maybe name this Streets of Gold or a Train Back Home..??

I walked on streets
Of solid gold
My world a castle was
I had everthing a man could want
Because I held your love

But then I took a train
Somewhere To somewhere ..to a place of lonliness and dispair?? I don't know where--somewhere with a name, somewhere...
All I see is- are muddy streets and rain [i]Now all I see are muddy streets and rain[/i]??...nice relationship of the streets of gold to streets of mud!
Can i go back to where I was before
Before the rain


Kim I'm not through it yet
But i will someday
Thanks to people like you

The blues the blues the blues
Everyone gets to get them
But just when the getting was getting good
Guess what I got the swine flu
Better to laught then cry
Now your scraching head
B ack to the lyrice
\YOU did a real good revise
I would send you a wet kiss
If I could
But for now I will just give you a Google H ug
steve
Kim you are a sweet heart
Me I;m just an old
I
Before I took you for granted
Know there's know return tickit on this train--maybe say it as
Can I go back to where I was before? Before the rain, before the pain, before I took her for granted...I promise no more to roam, when I get back home..I wanna know is there a ticket back home to where I belong? or something like that. I think you have some very good bones to this....just say it a tiny bit clearer...but this is a song that begs to be finished..
You **I **should have know'n
It never stop's raining in Texas
You** I*** didn't din't hear the thunder
And **I** over looked the sun

yOU **I** had it all when you said I love you- in the first you say I then you say you...I think you need to make it to where it is one or other... But you through it all away
For one night of love
On a run away train
Gold dosn't shine through mud
Your waves washed away our castle

Steve, again, it is great to see you on here again. You were missed. I feel your pain in this and I hope you will tweak it some to make it into a song that could be put into music, it deserves it. you keep writing and posting. ok??

KIM

[Theresa]

Hello Steve,
I really like your first verse. You have some very nice lines in this lyric ...with some tweaking it can be a good lyric.

I especially like "your waves washed away our castle" Kim had some great ideas. "Train Back Home" seems to be a good title.

[steve macneil]

Hello Steve,
I really like your first verse. You have some very nice lines in this lyric ...with some tweaking it can be a good lyric.

I especially like "your waves washed away our castle" Kim had some great ideas. "Train Back Home" seems to be a good title.

The first verse cannot be tweaked
Your waves washed away our castle
You got that line
And i didn't have to mention sand
Don't think Kim got that line
But Kim did give me some great ideas
Joni tell me what you think
John P SAY SOMETHING

[rocknrolljim]

HI Steve

I found the lyric abit helter skelter and maybe abit too pretentious in some parts. You wanted an honest critique, Ill give one. So here goes



[quote name='steve macneil' date='Nov 3 2009, 10:59 AM' post='496154']
I walked on streets
Of solid gold
My world a castle was
I had everthing a man could want
Because I held your love


The first verse sounds too melodramatic to me..more so like a poem. Most poetry doesnt usually translate very well into songwriting. There are exceptions of course like "Morning Has Broken" recorded by Cat STEVENS or some of early Simon and Garfunkel.
If there is something to be said about your first verse that "I liked alot" was that you didnt rhyme anything. I give you very high marks for that, because it is a schism that alot of lyric writers tend not try for fear of being beaten up by the 101 songwriting believers. I.E. RHYMING AND STRUCTURE IS OVERATED!!!!!


But then I took a train
Somewhere To somewhere
I don't know where
All I see is muddy streets and rain

Somewhere to somewhere? I almost liked the idea...but you had nothing to follow it up with. At this point, the verse doesnt do anything for what you had set up in the first verse.

Can i go back to where I was before
Before the rain
Before I took you for granted
Know there's know return tickit on this train


If you were referring to the train as the ticket to regret..well..that would have made for a good metaphor, but the rain thing has well... side tracked the meaning here. The rain and train are like fighting for attention and in the cross fire we are still wondering what it was that caused his end result of losing his love of his life.

You should have know'n
It never stop's raining in Texas
You din't hear the thunder
And you over looked the sun

Again , the metaphor missed the mark and we are still scratching our heads why the relationship came to a halt.

yOU had it all when you said I love you
But you through it all away
For one night of love
On a run away train
Gold dosn't shine through mud
Your waves washed away our castle

Now whats even stranger here is we dont know if he is now talking about her that made the fateful mistake, or is he talking third person here. Again, train and weather fight it out in the metaphor to nowhere and we wonder what was this song about?

So, theres alot to be looked at here and look at this lyric and ask alot of the who,what, why, where questions and see if you think you answered them.

just my two cents worth.
R-N-R JIM

[Theresa]

Hi Steve,
I love the first verse just as it is. That is what I was trying to say.

Theresa

[azurething]

Hi Steve,

Being a lyric forum, I guess I can offer something here without actually hearing the piece, although it's always nice to have a sense of the genre, style, pitch, metre.. you know.. anyway, here goes..

Since you haven't actually pointed out what the structure is in terms of verses, choruses, bridges, what-have-you... I'm merely going to number them, and go that way...

You'll notice that I'm largely focused on semantics at this stage.. as the actual mathematical tweaking stage seems to be a little way off for me yet with this piece.

Of course, it's only my take.. and that's rather the point of a forum.. (a collection of available opinions).. it is certainly my hope that it offers something of value to you in your consideration of the process. Naturally that is my only goal here..

1. well done.. what can I say.. it's a lovely setup.. it's concise but visually stirring.. it sets out the perfect marker for a promising journey. The structure is just unfamiliar enough to be interesting and memorable. Line by line in terms of crit, I wouldn't change a bloody thing..

2. It works fine, until it supposes that you are stupid. What I mean is, that you did/do know exactly where.. even if you only want to call it "somewhere".. If you don't know why... I can easily buy that.. but "where" is not the mystery here.. more visual work.. sharp contrast between what it was and what it is.. that works.. Line by line.. the third line is interfering with your authenticity, and causing a problem.

3. This section is comprised of what appears to be a question followed abruptly by an answer... the problem with the pairing of those, is that it offers a conclusion before the piece is wrapped... the listener is left with no more to discover, and no explanation as to how it resolved so quickly.. perhaps this section would be best placed later in the song?.. Line by line.. Line 3 admits (finally) that the "somewhere" was betrayal.. Line 4 is confusing.. do you KNOW there is NO return ticket.. (in which case the question is moot)... or are you confirming that, NO there is NO return ticket.. in which case you have resolved the song?

4. This is interesting.. you seem to be interchanging "rain" for betrayal in this song.. and this is the first mention of Texas.. Are you blaming the betrayed person for not expecting betrayal in Texas?.. it tends to read that way.. if not, it's a message specific to an individual listener (perhaps even yourself) that the greater audience is not invited to understand... the overall effect is alienation from the storyline, and loss of personal connection. As to overlooking the sun... It doesn't seem relevant if it never stops raining... and it causes the message to flip from visual to metaphorical uncomfortably.. Line by line... Even if it's blaming.. (and that's possible, acceptable, and could be emotionally authentic to the song) line 4 doesn't work.

5. At this point, it seems that the roles are reversed.. Who took the train of betrayal? The singer, or the object of the song?.. Or is the singer now singing to him/herself?.. Line by line.. Lines 1, 2, and 6 are causing some conflict.. the characters need to be defined.. who is singing.. who is being addressed..

This is not a bad spot for section 3... imho..

Overall, the message is discernable, and the intended force with which you seem prepared to convey it is quite clear, so there is an underlying mood to the piece that belongs there, and feels right. But clarity and definition, audience inclusion, and appropriately timed resolve tend to differentiate a lyric from a good lyric, a good lyric from a great lyric, and so on... It wouldn't take a whole lot of structural reworking to finish this as a consistently moving piece. A very compelling idea.

Thanks for sharing... (looking forward to seeing it again )

Cheers,

~azurething~

[John Paragreen]

Hi steve,

I walked on streets
Of solid gold
My world a castle was
I had everthing a man could want
Because I held your love

But then I took a train
Somewhere To somewhere
I don't know where
All I see is muddy streets and rain

ok so it's the classic tale, I had it all and now I've nothing, nothing wrong with that,
I'd tend to go

I danced on streets
Of solid gold
The world was my castle
My heart was at peace
When I held your love

But then I took a train
From there To somewhere
I don't know where
Now I'm on muddy streets and rain

good luck,john