Pretty much dead - Muse's Muse Songwriting Message Board

Lyric Critique Forum Rules

Feel free to post your lyrics here so that others can tell you what they think. If you're critiquing, please make sure to keep your criticism constructive.

PLEASE NOTE: Messages will remain here for 30 days before they'll be pruned. Storing too many messages slows down the board display for everyone. Remember that this board is free for you all, but the space it takes up isn't free for me to provide. ;) Also note that there are both guidelines and RULES before. Please read both! I appreciate your understanding.

RULES FOR POSTING:

1) Please only post one song per day.
2) Please post a minimum of two reviews for each posting of your own lyrics
If you want reviews, you need to give reviews. The more you review, the more you will get back. This is not a "pat on the back" forum. It's a place for people to get constructive criticism about work they're genuinely interested in improving. You need a thick skin, and you need to PARTICIPATE by doing more than just posting your own song. Help out your fellow participants and you will, in fact, be helping yourself.
3) If your message becomes a personal attack on anyone, expect it to be erased. This is a LYRIC critique board - not a PERSON critique board. ;) Keep your messages and your replies on topic.
4) And it disappoints me that I even have to mention this ... but PLEASE keep your lyrics tasteful. What do I mean by that? Overt sexuality, extreme amounts of swearing ... Ok. I don't mind self-expression. But when it's just gross for the reason of being gross and serves no purpose whatsoever than to offend, it's not welcome here. End of story. Use metaphors. Be creative and not overt. There are kids that read this stuff, ok? Thanks.

If we stick to these simple guidelines, we'll all be a bit happier - and more able to keep up with the volume of songs posted.

GUIDELINES FOR POSTING

1) Indicate what genre your song is for. This will give people a better idea of the goals you might have with your song and will avoid confusion.
2) Let people know if you're after an in-depth critique. If you're not, don't say anything. But if you really want people to go to town on your lyric - if you're after constructive criticism that will really help you with improving it, please do say so. You can add that into your thread's "description" field when you first post.
3) PLEASE participate in other areas of the board. I realize that for some of you, this forum is extremely important - and I think that's great! But there are other forums too. Spread your wisdom around, hmm? ;) Become a participating member of this community.

Thanks folks! --Jodi

Pretty much dead, Quick write to get me started again

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James J View Member Profile	Nov 2 2009, 08:33 PM Post #1
I'll follow you into the dark. Group: Moderators Posts: 392 Joined: 10-November 05 From: Vista, California Member No.: 14763	(V1) A young man A mother's son He wasn't proud of the things he'd done Too many years payin' society's debt he hadn't learned to read quite yet A word, a push and out came the gun There wasn't even time to run We heard the shot we saw the blood This time he wasn't the one (Chorus) He was pretty much dead before he was born You could see the clouds long before the storm by the time the ambulance rolled away There wasn't much to say. But we kept talkin' anyway (V2) He didn't stick around the scene of the crime But we all knew it wouldn't take much time Trouble was they all knew his name And trouble was sure to find him again They didn't bother to knock on the door He knew they'd come, they'd come before This time he wasn't takin' it anymore Three bullets hit his heart before he hit the floor (Chorus) He was pretty much dead before he was born You could see the clouds long before the storm by the time the ambulance rolled away There wasn't much to say. But we kept talkin' anyway -------------------- http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=427509

Billy View Member Profile	Nov 3 2009, 12:01 AM Post #2
A Muse's Muse Group: Members Posts: 1464 Joined: 12-April 08 From: Ware, Ma Member No.: 20214	Hi James, It's nice to see you posting a lyric here. As you know, I think you are a fine songwriter. At first glance, I like this a lot. It flows very well and tells a pretty concise story. I'd like to look at it more closely tomorrow to provide you with better, more thorough feedback. I'm not feeling very well and simply need to go to bed! I'll check in again. Billy -------------------- http://www.soundclick.com/BillySimons http://www.sonicbids.com/BillySimons

Nevergoback View Member Profile	Nov 3 2009, 01:35 PM Post #3
Orange Kool Aid Drinker Group: Members Posts: 146 Joined: 12-April 06 From: Saint Louis, MO Member No.: 15363	This is well put together. A good storyline, good flow. Good word choice. The only suggestion I have is to make us identify with the kid even more. The line "Hadn't Learned to Read Quite Yet" was great, and I'd like more than that. This is a tragedy, so we need to be a little more sad when he's gone. I'd almost consider a second set-up verse before the gun comes out. Just some ideas. Keep or sweep. Jay -------------------- Three Rivers Crossing Nevergoback "And the handiwork of God makes a man feel proud to know he's here to enjoy all His beauty."

Billy View Member Profile	Nov 3 2009, 02:44 PM Post #4
A Muse's Muse Group: Members Posts: 1464 Joined: 12-April 08 From: Ware, Ma Member No.: 20214	Overall, I think this is a pretty effective lyric. I do agree with Jay that it could be a bit more idendifiable. Why is he destined for such a tragic ending? Is he a product of society's failings? Did he choose to go awry despite the guidance and support of those around him? We really don't know enough about him to feel any sort of grief or relief in his death! This is the perfect storyline to tug at the heart strings a bit more. I think you need to dig a little deeper and flesh out more details. Make me care one way or another that he's dead. As it reads now, his death is sort of inconsequential and a bit predictable. Although that may have been the point, I think you need to make it more personal. For instance, I may not like him but if I knew a little more about him I might feel sorry for him. As it is now, I don't have any emotions one way or another. Take a quick peak at Lucile by Kenney Rogers. Although the subject matter is different, the story is laid out in such a way that you sympathize with the victim through the eyes of a third person. It's very well done and quite effective. Not that you have to take the same approach here but making it more personal will draw people in more. Currently, it's a bit too generic. I made a few comments and suggestions below. Once again, it's nice to see you back in the swing of things! With a little re-crafting, I think this could be very strong! Take care, Billy V1) A young man A mother's son (I'm not so sure about the second half of this line. It flows well but doesn't say so much. A mother's son? Aren't we all (males that is) our mother's son's? I think you could say something more impactful here.) He wasn't proud of the things he'd done Too many years payin' society's debt he hadn't learned to read quite yet A word, a push and out came the gun (Very descriptive line. You manage to say a lot here with very few words, which is quite effective) There wasn't even time to run We heard the shot we saw the blood This time he wasn't the one (Chorus) He was pretty much dead before he was born You could see the clouds long before the storm (Great line!) by the time the ambulance rolled away There wasn't much to say. But we kept talkin' anyway (V2) He didn't stick around the scene of the crime But we all knew it wouldn't take much time Trouble was they all knew his name (These two lines are very good. The word play with "trouble" is very clever and effective) And trouble was sure to find him again They didn't bother to knock on the door He knew they'd come, they'd come before This time he wasn't takin' it anymore ~~Three bullets hit his heart before~~ In a hail of bullets he hit the floor (Is there any significance to the 3 bullets hitting his heart? I wasn't sure if I missed something or if this was a just a random number? Either way, I'm not so sure it's that effective. I'd look for a better conclusion) (Chorus) He was pretty much dead before he was born You could see the clouds long before the storm by the time the ambulance rolled away There wasn't much to say. But we kept talkin' anyway -------------------- http://www.soundclick.com/BillySimons http://www.sonicbids.com/BillySimons

James J View Member Profile	Nov 3 2009, 05:45 PM Post #5
I'll follow you into the dark. Group: Moderators Posts: 392 Joined: 10-November 05 From: Vista, California Member No.: 14763	Nevergoback Thanks for the input. I think you're spot on. Billy thanks for a great in depth look I wasn't too sure about finishing this one but you've given me some good ideas. -------------------- http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=427509

stewart alexande... stewart alexander View Member Profile	Nov 3 2009, 08:37 PM Post #6
Sophisticated Dirt Group: Moderators Posts: 1438 Joined: 26-January 07 From: Cardiff - Wales Member No.: 17279	love the writing here... He was pretty much dead before he was born.. oddly enough I sing.. You are buried before you breathe.. reminded me of that :> really like the whole ambience to this.. -------------------- *My Website* "Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self"

Theresa View Member Profile	Nov 3 2009, 09:29 PM Post #7
A Muse's Muse Group: Members Posts: 731 Joined: 10-March 09 From: Florida Member No.: 21356	A really good lyric. Well written and flows very well. great lines Good luck with this Theresa -------------------- visit my cd baby site visit my sonic bids site

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