[Justice Marie]

It's named "Jerk" after the guy that inspired it-but somehow I think it'll get a new title somewhere down the line.

This is my first posting for critique-that being said, please don't go easy. I can take it (I think ) Also, I'm not wild about the second verse.

So far it's just a mid tempo, standard poppy girl with her guitar tune.

"Untitled"
Verse:
It's my last night back in town, so I thought I'd come around
And see your show tonight.
I am watching you onstage, everybody knows your name
And they all love you-they're on their feet.

I don't wanna spoil your fun, so I'll leave before it's done.
I'm sure you get the girl in the end.
And I'd like to see our friends, but I guess that all depends
On what you've told them. Do I have any left?

Chorus:
I want this to be over.
I need us to be done.
If it'll makes it happen any faster,
I'll let you say you've won.

Verse:
So I see you at the bar, you're the party's biggest star,
And it's awkward, and we're being polite.
There is only silence now, and I really don't know
How to say I'm sorry, when I don't mean it.

If you want me to, I'll go, but I had to see your show
I wouldn't want you to think I didn't care.
And I'm talking to our friends, and their questions never end
Like, do I miss you? Am I sorry you're not there?

Chorus
Bridge:

We'll never talk anymore, will we?
And when we say we hope that the other one's happy,
That'll be a big, fat lie.
So I hope you're so happy.
I hope you're so...

Chorus

End:
I hope you're so happy (repeat to end)

[stewart alexande...]

Hey Kido

Reminds of something the Moldy Peaches would do..


I like the first verse.. and the chorus works well too..

I do love the rhyming in this:-

"If you want me to, I'll go, but I had to see your show
I wouldn't want you to think I didn't care.
And I'm talking to our friends, and their questions never end
Like, do I miss you? Am I sorry you're not there?"


quite simple in it's pretence, but nice and easy to read..
as you say V2 needs work.. maybe work on zooping it up..
more zeal and emotion?..

good first lyric though.. in need.. but it'll come!

[John Paragreen]

Hi, this is great,my only concern is the flow kinda jumps around,
like she sees him on stage/she leaves before he's done/ she sees him at the bar/ if you fix this you got a winner
All the best,john

[OskaSeason]

It's named "Jerk" after the guy that inspired it-but somehow I think it'll get a new title somewhere down the line.

This is my first posting for critique-that being said, please don't go easy. I can take it (I think ) Also, I'm not wild about the second verse.

So far it's just a mid tempo, standard poppy girl with her guitar tune.

"Untitled"
Verse:
It's my last night back in town, so I thought I'd come around
And see your show tonight.
I am watching you onstage, everybody knows your name
And they all love you-they're on their feet.

I don't wanna spoil your fun, so I'll leave before it's done.
I'm sure you get the girl in the end.
And I'd like to see our friends, but I guess that all depends
On what you've told them. Do I have any left?

Chorus:
I want this to be over.
I need us to be done.
If it'll makes it happen any faster,
I'll let you say you've won.

Verse:
So I see you at the bar, you're the party's biggest star,
And it's awkward, and we're being polite.
There is only silence now, and I really don't know
How to say I'm sorry, when I don't mean it.

If you want me to, I'll go, but I had to see your show
I wouldn't want you to think I didn't care.
And I'm talking to our friends, and their questions never end
Like, do I miss you? Am I sorry you're not there?

Chorus
Bridge:

We'll never talk anymore, will we?
And when we say we hope that the other one's happy,
That'll be a big, fat lie.
So I hope you're so happy.
I hope you're so...

Chorus

End:
I hope you're so happy (repeat to end)

Hi Justice Marie. Had a read and think there is potential IMO

I worked a bit on the first verse and a little bit on the second. Just my ideas.
I will have a look later and maybe add some more ideas.
Just moving and slight word changes.

all the best Roy.

It's my last night 1’m back in town,
so thought I'd come around
To see your show tonight.
I am watching you on stage,
and everyone knows your name
Their all on their feet, calling it, again and again.

I don't wanna spoil your fun,
so I'll leave before your done.
I'm sure you’ll get the girl in the end.
And I'd like to see our friends,
but I guess that all depends
On what you've told them. Do I have any left?

[pmlong]

My two cents. I like what the song wants to say. I agree with some of the other comments...some of the verses need a little work.

It's named "Jerk" after the guy that inspired it-but somehow I think it'll get a new title somewhere down the line.

This is my first posting for critique-that being said, please don't go easy. I can take it (I think ) Also, I'm not wild about the second verse.

So far it's just a mid tempo, standard poppy girl with her guitar tune.

"Untitled"
Verse:
It's my last night back in town, so I thought I'd come around
And see your show tonight.
I am watching you onstage, everybody knows your name
And they all love you-they're on their feet.

I don't wanna spoil your fun, so I'll leave before it's done.
I'm sure you get the girl in the end. I'm sure you'll get the girl in the end
And I'd like to see our friends, but I guess that all depends
On what you've told them. Do I have any left?

Chorus:
I want this to be over.
I need us to be done.
If it'll makes it happen any faster, If it makes it happen any faster
I'll let you say you've won.

Verse:
So I see you at the bar, you're the party's biggest star,
And it's awkward, and we're being polite.
There is only silence now, and I really don't know There is only silence now, and I really don't know how
How to say I'm sorry, when I don't mean it.

If you want me to, I'll go, but I had to see your show
I wouldn't want you to think I didn't care.
And I'm talking to our friends, and their questions never end
Like, do I miss you? Am I sorry you're not there?

Chorus
Bridge:

We'll never talk anymore, will we?
And when we say we hope that the other one's happy,
That'll be a big, fat lie.
So I hope you're so happy.
I hope you're so...

Chorus

End:
I hope you're so happy (repeat to end)

[surfer]

I think this is your title

I'll let you say you've won.

[dhess]

Hey Justice,
I like this and you've been given some great thoughts to fine tune it with. Agree " You Won" might be a good hook for this one. What really stands out to me is how conflicted your emotions are in this. This might intentional and probably relatable to some one going through a break-up but hard to pull off in a way the audiance understands. I think you have a good start at it though.
v/r
dale

[daddio]

There are some conflicting images and emotions here that need to be straightened up a little to make the song more impactful.
I think you (the singer) need to be more clear on how you feel about all this. It sounds like you're conflicted, and while that may be true and honest, it's hard for listeners to identify with. Pick a feeling and go with it. For example, you say in the chorus that you want this to be over, yet you keep going to see him in various venues. You say, I'll leave before you're done" but then you hang around the club after the show to see him at the bar.
"You Won" might work as a good hook if you bring it out more in the chorus.

[James J]

I thought this was very solid all the way through. IMHO you don't need to clear up any details or change the plot. For me it gets the point across loud and clear. The one verse you could massage would be

So I see you at the bar, you're the party's biggest star,
And it's awkward, and we're being polite.
There is only silence now, and I really don't know
How to say I'm sorry, when I don't mean it.

Maybe just changing
"you're the party's biggest star,"
would help or maybe I'm just not hearing it right.
If you were to make any tweaks at all I would just see how some phrases sound with the music. To me this sounds like it could be a pop song on the radio. (take that as a compliment or an insult. lol)

[Justice Marie]

I thought this was very solid all the way through. IMHO you don't need to clear up any details or change the plot. For me it gets the point across loud and clear. The one verse you could massage would be

So I see you at the bar, you're the party's biggest star,
And it's awkward, and we're being polite.
There is only silence now, and I really don't know
How to say I'm sorry, when I don't mean it.

Maybe just changing
"you're the party's biggest star,"
would help or maybe I'm just not hearing it right.
If you were to make any tweaks at all I would just see how some phrases sound with the music. To me this sounds like it could be a pop song on the radio. (take that as a compliment or an insult. lol)

Thank you, I definitley take it as a compliment. It does have music already (written almost simultaneously) and everything fits pretty well-I agree with you about the "party's biggest star" line-that's the only one i'm unhappy with. Thanks for the input!

[kimberlyinnc]

It's named "Jerk" after the guy that inspired it-but somehow I think it'll get a new title somewhere down the line.

This is my first posting for critique-that being said, please don't go easy. I can take it (I think ) Also, I'm not wild about the second verse.

So far it's just a mid tempo, standard poppy girl with her guitar tune.

"Untitled"
Verse:
It's my last night back in town, so I thought I'd come around
And see your show tonight.
I am watching you onstage, everybody knows your name
And they all love you-they're on their feet.

I don't wanna spoil your fun, so I'll leave before it's done.
I'm sure you get the girl in the end.
And I'd like to see our friends, but I guess that all depends
On what you've told them. Do I have any left?

Chorus:
I want this to be over.
I need us to be done.
If it'll makes it happen any faster,
I'll let you say you've won. I am a bit unclear on this if she wants it to be over why is she still checking him out and wanting to hang with the same crowd? just something to consider:) Maybe say..This needs to be over or WE need to be over..I need us to be done...if it's makes it happen faster...I will say you have won...?
Verse:
So THEN or NOW I see you at the bar, you're the party's biggest star,
And it's awkward, and we're being polite.
There is only silence now, and I really don't know
How to say I'm sorry, when I don't mean it. I am not sure why she is apologizing. maybe say why say I am sorry when I dont mean it.?? to make her sound stronger...she is giving too much power to him
If you want me to, I'll go, but I had to see your show
I wouldn't want you to think I didn't care.
And I'm talking to our friends, and their questions never end
Like, do I miss you? Am I sorry you're not there?

Chorus
Bridge:

We'll never talk anymore, will we?
And when we say we hope that the other one's happy,
That'll be a big, fat lie.
So I hope you're so happy.
I hope you're so...

Chorus

End:
I hope you're so happy (repeat to end)

This has many good qualities to it and I think if you make her not as anxious to "stalk" him..maybe make it where she ran across him at a show or something?? Not sure how to make it so she is not so into him and how he feels...it makes me think of Rhianna and how for the longest time she was still hanging with Chris Brown...I think she finally realized she needed to step, and most gals would want to hear it that way I think...

good luck with it:) Good to have you on the site!! KIM

[azurething]

Hi Justice Marie..

Just gave your lyric a quick read.. and here's my first impression..
As Daddio pointed out.. the lyric is full of conflicting/contrasting emotions. The singer (I'll assume that's you), seems undecided about how this should all play out.. For some people this is distracting and confusing.. but there are some artists around these parts.. who are very adept at using such an internal conflict so effectively, that the tone and hook of the entire piece change to reflect the conflict as being focal (and often central) to the point...
That may not be where you want this to go... just thought I'd drop a seed and see what roots...

Wherever possible, I look for the integrity (honesty) of the message, and see if there may be a way to preserve it through the process.. The conflict isn't neat and tidy.. but it's honest. That's the emotional glue.. lol

Look forward to seeing it again..

Good work.

Cheers,

~azurething~

[Justice Marie]

Thanks everyone for your feedback.

More than anything, this is a song about getting closure. For Kimberlyinnc: I appreciate your feedback! I think that this will make it a bit clearer-it's about the singer being able to walk away, it's not about being weak and staying with the guy. It's about saying goodbye. She's NOT saying sorry to him, because she doesn't mean it, hence the "only silence now." Falling out of love is about being conflicted, so I don't buy that the song can't work without it. It can be messy, and sometimes, you have the same friends and you live in the same place, so it isn't a choice. However, I see what you all mean about it being confusing as far what kind of story the audience is hearing, so I did my best to be true to the original feeling but make it more cohesive and clear. Thank you guys for your help! I'm excited that I'm able to re-write. Verse 2 is now changed. (And thanks, daddio, for the thought on the title)

"You Won" (formerly "Jerk")

Verse:
It's my last night back in town, so I thought I'd come around
And see your show tonight.
I am watching you onstage, everybody knows your name
And they all love you-they're on their feet.

I don't want to spoil your fun, so I'll leave before it's done.
I'm sure you get the girl in the end.
And I'd like to see our friends, but I guess that all depends
On what you've told them.
Do I have any left?

Chorus:
I want this to be over.
I need "us" to be done.
If it'll make it happen any faster,
I'll let you say you've won.

Verse:
There's a party at the bar, but I'm sitting at in my car.
Won't be awkward, and I can't be polite.
There'd be only silence now,'Cause I really don't know how to say I'm sorry
When I don't mean it.

And you wanted me to go, but I had to see your show
Now that it's over, I will be on my way.
I was talking to our friends, and their questions never end, like,
do I miss you? I have nothing left to say.

Chorus
Bridge (same)
End (same)

Thanks everyone so much for your help!