[kimberlyinnc]

I wrote this a couple of months ago and did get a few responses on the lyrical board, but I am still not sure it is where I want it. Any suggies are welcome. Thank you!


You can read here about the story...

http://oldbluebus.blogspot.com/2007/01/poor-omi-wise.html


Always Bound

Naomi was an orphan, but she was loved
With a laugh that fed like manna from above
Johnny was thirsty as he rode up one day
Took a sip of water from her cup made of clay
She gave a smile that he could not ignore
This love struck maiden had heartbreak in store

Past Chimneys
in our mill town
Never giving up the ghosts
two spirits always bound
Why they stay no one knows


Johnny loved pretty Omi, promised to wed
But his mother wanted someone well bred
Desperately hiding the shame before it showed
He Beat and choked Omi under Deep Rivers flow
The cries from that night are still heard today
By a trusting girl brutally betrayed

Past Chimneys
in our mill town
Never giving up the ghosts
two spirits always bound
Why they stay no one knows



Tag
Never paying for his crime til after his last breath
Though judgment didn't come in life, it surely came in death

[bernabby]

I wrote this a couple of months ago and did get a few responses on the lyrical board, but I am still not sure it is where I want it. Any suggies are welcome. Thank you!


Always Bound

Naomi was an orphan, but she was loved ..............doesn't tell us much other than she's an orphan who was loved by we must assume those in the orphanage. Not exactly a must listen line.
With a laugh that fed like manna from above ........this line is very confusing - is it a continuation of line 1 or is it a line to introduce Johnny. Also, I've never heard the term "fed like manna from above". I just don't see how this line belongs in this v.
Johnny was thirsty as he rode up one day ...........you mean rode up as with a horse. I'm just not feeling a connection with Johnny and Naomi
Took a sip of water from her cup made of clay
She gave a smile that he could not ignore ..........I'm having a little trouble digesting this line. It's probably ok but I just can't the problem I am having. Maybe it sounds like it's written for a forced rhyme.
This love struck maiden had heartbreak in store .........little early to tell us the whole story.

Past Chimneys
in our mill town ..........I really don't understand these lines - what's the significance of past chimneys and how is it different from current ones.
Never giving up the ghosts .........I don't get this line either - are the past chimneys reluctant to give up their ghosts?
two spirits always bound .......this is a good hook line but it is wasted, I think, in the structure of this ch.
Why they stay no one knows ..........so they're both dead


Johnny loved pretty Omi, promised to wed ..........so she's known as Omi all of a sudden. I really don't like cheating sentences written to make a rhyme. The sentence should read - and promised to wed her or something like that to complete the sentence.
But his mother wanted someone well bred ...........so Johnny was from wealth - we are never given this information.
Desperately hiding the shame before it showed .......how do you desperately hide the shame of her pregnancy? Wanting or trying to hide may fit better.
He Beat and choked Omi under Deep Rivers flow ...............this is quite a leap - I think we have to get into Johnny's head before having him brutally murder her. Where is Deep Rivers flow? Sounds like a forced rhyme.
The cries from that night are still heard today
By a trusting girl brutally betrayed ........I don't understand this line - Omi's cries are still heard by Omi herself? It doesn't make sense.

Past Chimneys
in our mill town
Never giving up the ghosts
two spirits always bound
Why they stay no one knows



Tag
Never paying for his crime til after his last breath .........isn't this when everyone who committed a crime pay for the crime? This line should just say he never paid for the crime he took it to his grave or something like that.
Though judgment didn't come in life, it surely came in death......How would you know? You tell us in the ch that their spirits are always bound so this doesn't exactly support your conclusion that judgment came after death.

This was at times confusing, conflicting and hard to follow. Too many liberties are taken in moving the plot along. We, the listener have to decipher how events are related or what just happened. There's also terminology that may be understood locally but is Greek to most. If Omi was the character's nickname she should have been introduced as such in v1 instead of suddenly and drastically changing it in v2. It's going to be a hard connection to make in song.

[rocknrolljim]

Hi Kim

The first verse doesnt set up the story very well. I liked the Past Chimneys verse but fail to understand what it has to do with the story in general. I mean..I like abstract stuff, but then you go into the plot of the story too late.

Your tackling a neat subject here, but I am not sure abstract is the way to go. Maybe a more Mark Twain approach..story telling like yarn would make it more crystal clear.


just my two cents worth.
R-N-R JIM

[kimberlyinnc]

Bernabby and Jim... I will study what you both said in depth and see what I can do to improve this as the story has always stuck with me and I want to do it justice.

thanks!!!

Kim

[daddio]

I like this. The chorus is very strong, though the hook is not well placed. The imagery with the chimneys is very good. Maybe if the phrase, "always bound" was repeated after the last line that would strengthen it as a hook.
The story itself feels incomplete to me. I don't get his motivation for killing her or any feeling of either remorse or sociopathic guiltlessness. At the same time, it is a good story and and a good idea for a song. I like the way you've told it so far, it just needs another verse or perhaps a bridge.
This would sound good as an acoustic song with guitar, fiddle, and mandolin.

[Lonnie]

Hi Kim, I think your ff to a good start. It left me wondering why he killed her, and why thier spirts are bound togather. Keep working on it, I'm sure you'll work the kinks out and it will be great----Lonnie

[Alistair S]

One of the thingts that you are very good at is coming up with ideas for songs, Kim. This is no exception.

Somehow, it isn't quite working as it stands, and you pretty much say that yourself in your post.

The story, if I'm reading it right is that a rich kid falls for a girl from the wrong side of the tracks and gets her pregnant. His mother/family don't see any future in that relationship and - to get himself out of a jam - he kills her by drowning her in Deep River, which is now haunted by her ghost (and his?).

The story is all there in verse 2, but quite condensed. The problem comes in verse 1, I think. We aren't set up to get a clear picture of Naomi or to understand what is happening.

Naomi was an orphan, but she was loved

The fact that she was an orphan doesn't strike me as being key to the story - unless it is to indicate that she was poor and possibly looked down on (which isn't made clear). The "She was loved" phrase is passive and loses impact because of that. Who loved here? Are we talking about Johnny? I suspect not - but who by? Why is this important to know?

With a laugh that fed like manna from above

"Fed" seems an odd word. I think you are trying to indicate that she was a happy girl, but it's an odd line. The "love/above" rhyme is well used and arguably not a great start to the song.

Johnny was thirsty as he rode up one day

Where did he ride up to? Was she alone? Where? Does the fact that he has a horse indicate that he is from a different class? I may be missing a subtle clue here.

Took a sip of water from her cup made of clay

I guess she offered him a drink. Is the clay cup also an indication that she is poor? It feels like it's there to rhyme with "day".

She gave a smile that he could not ignore

She smiles at him. That's good. However, the "could not ignore" may not be strong enough to indicate that he was struck with her.

This love struck maiden had heartbreak in store

This is the first indication we have that she was love struck (in fact, the only indication). It follows the line that talks about his not ignoring her.

What I really get from the first verse is that a happy girl gives a passing rider a drink and that they are attracted to one another. This leaps to her being pregnant and him drowning her in the river in the next verse. I think we need to get under the skins of the characters a little more, even if you need an extra verse to do it.

The chorus has some nice imagery. I agree with Daddio that the "Always bound" line could be repeated and that would cement the hook better. I think you could drop the last line.

As I suggested earlier, I think verse 2 tells the story. There are a few words that could be dropped and maybe replaced (pretty, desperate, brutally) as they hinder the flow (imho).

I think I'd look at a rewrite of verse 1. This may also impact on verse 2, depending how you do it. You can always use a bridge if you need one, of course. I may have misunderstood the story, but I'd like a greater sense of a simple, innocent love story that is destroyed by petty snobbery and ambition and the weakness of the man involved. I don't get that as it stands. It's a bit "matter of fact".

To get past that, you may need to make it longer. As it looks to me to be more folk in genre than anything else, length is less critical - you can afford to let the story breathe. Imagine you are telling the story to your children and then follow the structure you would use to do that maybe.

[kimberlyinnc]

I like this. The chorus is very strong, though the hook is not well placed. The imagery with the chimneys is very good. Maybe if the phrase, "always bound" was repeated after the last line that would strengthen it as a hook.
The story itself feels incomplete to me. I don't get his motivation for killing her or any feeling of either remorse or sociopathic guiltlessness. At the same time, it is a good story and and a good idea for a song. I like the way you've told it so far, it just needs another verse or perhaps a bridge.
This would sound good as an acoustic song with guitar, fiddle, and mandolin.

Hi Daddio, thank you very much for reading this and commenting. I really want to get this lyric "right" before making it into a song, with like you said, bluegrass music, though I know of no fiddle player..

I think Bernabby didnt get the past chimneys part...it means as going past them...the chimneys are all next to the river as it is a mill town.. I need to elaborate more and make it clearer.

He killed her because she was pregnant. Perhaps I tried to condense too much in this one..I seem to have ahard time reaching that happy medium:) They claim he loved her but was kinda in trouble with his mother for getting her pregnant , I suppose he freaked out and did this without planning it. He never admitted to it, til on his death bed and they couldnt really prove it though there were people that heard it and they found his horse marks on the river bed near her...no CSI 200 years ago...
It is just a story I have always found rather sad, the great Dylan even sang about her. Many have. Not sure another lyric about her is needed but every time I ride over that bridge and see the street with her name on it, it speaks to me, so I had to do it..make sense?

I will continue to work on it. I hope someone that is a good singer musician comes along that would be willing to make it as it could be when better...hint hint..

Thanks again!

Kim

[kimberlyinnc]

Hi Kim, I think your ff to a good start. It left me wondering why he killed her, and why thier spirts are bound togather. Keep working on it, I'm sure you'll work the kinks out and it will be great----Lonnie

Hi Lonnie. The two spirits are of Naomi and her baby...not Johnny....she was pregnant. I will keep working on this, been messing with it for a few months now, it will take time:)
thanks for reading it and commenting:)

KIM

[kimberlyinnc]

One of the thingts that you are very good at is coming up with ideas for songs, Kim. This is no exception. Thank you Alistair!!
Somehow, it isn't quite working as it stands, and you pretty much say that yourself in your post. yeppers.
The story, if I'm reading it right is that a rich kid falls for a girl from the wrong side of the tracks and gets her pregnant. His mother/family don't see any future in that relationship and - to get himself out of a jam - he kills her by drowning her in Deep River, which is now haunted by her ghost (and his?). yes all right except the other ghost I mean is her baby...not Johnny...though I suppose it could be taken either way..
The story is all there in verse 2, but quite condensed. Yes It seems I either go too far or not far enough with story songs, they are hard suckers.. The problem comes in verse 1, I think. We aren't set up to get a clear picture of Naomi or to understand what is happening.

Naomi was an orphan, but she was loved

The fact that she was an orphan doesn't strike me as being key to the story - unless it is to indicate that she was poor and possibly looked down on (which isn't made clear). Yes I suppose I put that in to show she was alone, as far as no real famiy, she lived with a farm family that loved her but it wasn't the same...and she was looked down on by some.. The "She was loved" phrase is passive and loses impact because of that. Who loved here? Are we talking about Johnny? I suspect not - but who by? Why is this important to know? I guess I wanted the orphan part in for the above mentioned reason but I didnt want her to seem like in an orphanage., I will work on this..
With a laugh that fed like manna from above

"Fed" seems an odd word. I think you are trying to indicate that she was a happy girl, but it's an odd line. yes but it is not working and love is hell to rhyme...I didnt know how else to make it sound like she was cared for....then make the next line work...and they claim she was pleasant and a happy gal...I wanted that known too. I was never sure on that line.. The "love/above" rhyme is well used and arguably not a great start to the song.

Johnny was thirsty as he rode up one day

Where did he ride up to? Was she alone? Where? I meant to her at the spring, I thought it would be clear as she gave him water that she was at a spring. I tried to hard to condense and need to add a bit more info in the right places.. Does the fact that he has a horse indicate that he is from a different class? It happened 200 yrs ago..only horses then...I may be missing a subtle clue here.

Took a sip of water from her cup made of clay

I guess she offered him a drink. Is the clay cup also an indication that she is poor? It feels like it's there to rhyme with "day". I actually wanted to use clay because the dirt here is red clay and used alot for pottery, so this is why I said this. Though the real story may be she had a scoup of some sort to drink the water. I suppose I wanted to put the counties use of clay in the story...I will re-work it.She gave a smile that he could not ignore

She smiles at him. That's good. However, the "could not ignore" may not be strong enough to indicate that he was struck with her.

This love struck maiden had heartbreak in store

This is the first indication we have that she was love struck (in fact, the only indication). It follows the line that talks about his not ignoring her.

What I really get from the first verse is that a happy girl gives a passing rider a drink and that they are attracted to one another. This leaps to her being pregnant and him drowning her in the river in the next verse. I think we need to get under the skins of the characters a little more, even if you need an extra verse to do it.

The chorus has some nice imagery. I agree with Daddio that the "Always bound" line could be repeated and that would cement the hook better. I think you could drop the last line.

As I suggested earlier, I think verse 2 tells the story. There are a few words that could be dropped and maybe replaced (pretty, desperate, brutally) as they hinder the flow (imho).

I think I'd look at a rewrite of verse 1. This may also impact on verse 2, depending how you do it. You can always use a bridge if you need one, of course. I may have misunderstood the story, but I'd like a greater sense of a simple, innocent love story that is destroyed by petty snobbery and ambition and the weakness of the man involved. I don't get that as it stands. It's a bit "matter of fact".

To get past that, you may need to make it longer. As it looks to me to be more folk in genre than anything else, length is less critical - you can afford to let the story breathe. Imagine you are telling the story to your children and then follow the structure you would use to do that maybe.

Thank you Alistair for your indepth advice. It is helpful to me. I hope you will check it out again when I re-post as I really want to get this story that touches me into something worthy of Naomi's memory.
thanks again!!! KIM

[azurething]

Hi Kim..

Naturally this is compelling subject matter... understandable that you would feel the urge to tackle it.. equally understandable that you feel the need to do it justice.
When I read through all the posts on this particular thread, I finally get the whole story, understand what you're trying to say and then I can go back to the original lyric and find hints of that. I don't think that's what you're shooting for.
Condensing isn't a bad thing.. nobody really sets out to write a novella.. but.. the ideas have to be well-rounded enough to lead the listener through a journey, if story-telling is your aim. It's not a matter of including every detail.. only the ones that are requisite to the journey. The rest is a matter of flow.
I'm not prepared to offer a line-by-line crit here, because I don't really feel this piece is at that stage of development yet.. I tend to offer something like that for tweaking purposes, but this piece actually requires more structure, imho. I know you have the tools to craft what you're seeking.. now you need to take the time to form it. Good luck with this one.. it's got some very good potential.

Cheers,

~azurething~

[14music]

K,

A tragic story, for sure. Just a couple comments. -M

Naomi was an orphan, but she was loved
With a laugh that fed like manna from above –[[wondered about “Had” for “With”, cuz with line 1, it sounds like “…she was loved with a laugh…” as if one sentence – JMO]]
Johnny was thirsty as he rode up one day
Took a sip of water from her cup made of clay –[[“made of clay” appears a little forced for the rhyme, but may be ok with music-JMO]]
She gave a smile that he could not ignore
This love struck maiden had heartbreak in store –[[early giveaway of heartbreak?-JMO]]

Past Chimneys --------[[I don’t follow the chorus exactly, but you may be intending the abstract/mystery element here]]
in our mill town
Never giving up the ghosts
two spirits always bound
Why they stay no one knows

[kimberlyinnc]

I will be back to comment more later..thanks for the input guys..been sick...arggh

Kim

[kimberlyinnc]

Hi Kim..
HI!! I have been missing you!!
Naturally this is compelling subject matter... understandable that you would feel the urge to tackle it.. equally understandable that you feel the need to do it justice.
When I read through all the posts on this particular thread, I finally get the whole story, understand what you're trying to say and then I can go back to the original lyric and find hints of that. I don't think that's what you're shooting for.
Condensing isn't a bad thing.. nobody really sets out to write a novella.. but.. the ideas have to be well-rounded enough to lead the listener through a journey, if story-telling is your aim. It's not a matter of including every detail.. only the ones that are requisite to the journey. The rest is a matter of flow.
I'm not prepared to offer a line-by-line crit here, because I don't really feel this piece is at that stage of development yet.. I tend to offer something like that for tweaking purposes, but this piece actually requires more structure, imho. I know you have the tools to craft what you're seeking.. now you need to take the time to form it. Good luck with this one.. it's got some very good potential. Thank you. I do need to dissect this thing...It is hard doing story songs...but I hope to get it right someday...thanks for stopping by and commenting and hang around. KIM
Cheers,

~azurething~

[kimberlyinnc]

K,

A tragic story, for sure. Just a couple comments. -M

Naomi was an orphan, but she was loved
With a laugh that fed like manna from above –[[wondered about “Had” for “With”, cuz with line 1, it sounds like “…she was loved with a laugh…” as if one sentence – JMO]] Oh I get what you mean... I will think on that one...I may scrap the whole line by the time it is over:)
Johnny was thirsty as he rode up one day
Took a sip of water from her cup made of clay –[[“made of clay” appears a little forced for the rhyme, but may be ok with music-JMO]] it actually wasnt forced it was intential as we have lots of red clay around here and many use it to make pottery so this is why I referenced it...
She gave a smile that he could not ignore
This love struck maiden had heartbreak in store –[[early giveaway of heartbreak?-JMO]] Yes I think you are right..

Past Chimneys --------[[I don’t follow the chorus exactly, but you may be intending the abstract/mystery element here]]
in our mill town I mean as you look past the chimneys, in our mill town...as the river is next to all the chimneys..I am re-working it, hope to post it soon..Never giving up the ghosts
two spirits always bound
Why they stay no one knows

Thanks Mike for checking it out and your advice... KIM